Yeah. So I know this is anonymous but I need to just "get it out." I'm dealing with such inner turmoil right now. I'm miserable and blaming it on my husband but at the same time, feeling very guilty.

The whole time we've been married (almost 8 yrs) my husband has been very shy and reserved - anxious really whenever we're around anyone.  It has honestly always bothered me a little bit, but only because it made him uncomfortable. Then, it started affecting our relationship some when he stopped attending family functions. It really hurt my feelings. It kept progressing and long story made short: It has been at least six months since our family even went out to eat or to the store together. When he is home, he sleeps all evening, wakes up very late in the evening (between 10 and midnight), stays up all night long playing video games, and goes to work in the morning. He pretty much repeats this cycle everyday.  When he is awake, he's ill toward me. He doesnt show any appreciation for the things that I do. And a very new development is that we haven't had sex in about a month. This is VERY unusual.

I've tried to just sit down and calmly talk to him about my concerns over his lack of involvement with me and the kids. (Hes never seen his daughter dance in 3 yrs of dancing and has been to one baseball game with our son in 3 yrs. He's been to church with me once in almost 8 years.) Now, we're to a point also where we never have a conversation really. And it just makes me sad and angry.

I feel like I just keep trying and get nothing in return. I try to talk to him. I try to do special things for him. I wait on him like a king. Then I get tired of him not caring so I dont' do anything for him, hoping he'll notice. Sadly, he does not seem to notice that either. :(

It's gotten so much worse just in the last two months. I can't really explain it, but things are different.

I don't want to leave him. I don't want to divorce him but I keep finding myself thinking about what things would be like if we weren't together. I've even thought about places where I could get a job while the kids are in school next year so I can save some money so that I could be financially independant and able to leave him in another year if things aren't better.  And the thought of leaving him just makes me literally sick. I have cried until I wound up with a horrible migraine for a couple of days straight. I really really DO love him but I am SO unhappy and angry.

Then, recently, to make matters worse, I've started running into this guy who I once dated. I promise, I am really just running into him. He works at a place that I have always frequented and it's hard NOT to run into him. And whenhe talks to me, I am happy. He shows me a little bit of attention and it feels fantastic. Nothing spectacular, I dont' think it would even be considered flirting. He's just NICE to me and acknowledges that I am there.  And I find myself thinking about what it would be like to date someone... well him really.... again.

But then, I feel guilty about that and think about how much I love my husband and really just wish that HE was interested in me and that HE would want to date me again.

I'm just so torn! I love my husband, but I don't feel loved. I'm interested in another man but hate myself for thinking about him. I want my marriage to last forever and am absolutely crushed at the thought of it ending, but am thinking of logistic ways to prepare for it. I want to have a good relationship but I can't do it on my own. I want a happy family but I'm miserable.

(I just went back and read this and thought I should note: My husband is seeing a psychiatrist and is on antidepressant meds and antianxiety meds but they don't seem to be helping.)

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Apr. 9, 2011 at 6:22 AM

That last part was what i was looking for, he's been seen by a doctor! If it were me, I'd have another doctor appointment lined up cause like you said, the meds aren't helping. If you do make this appointment, I would go with him, that way YOU can tell the doctor what your seeing! Men just don't express situations the way women do! I kinda understand the shy and backwardness, I'm a bit like that, I just don't like attention brought to myself but, I refuse to become a "hermit"!He very well could be miserable with himself and doesn't know how to go about changing it. I really think a doctor's visit is needed! Good luck to you all, I def. understand the frustration!

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Apr. 10, 2011 at 7:10 AM

I don't think you should feel guilty for wanting some attention.Your husband should be providing for this need but either can't or won't.It sounds to me like he has some sort of social anxiety disorder and you should make sure the psychiatrist knows this.Unfortunately,your husband has to WANT help,WANT to change,before change is possible.All the drugs in the world won't help if he doesn't see his behavior as a problem.I see this getting worse without major intervention,and if it were me I'd be working towards independence so you and your children are able to leave,as this is not healthy for them.I assume you're too young to live your life ignored by the man you love.I wish you every good thing but remember sometimes love is not enough.

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