When I was 16, I met a guy and fell totally head over heels in love with him. I was a virgin at that point, and became convinced that he would be my first. He was seven years older than me, making him 23. J was amazing, sweet, kind, considerate, and everything I thought I was looking for at the time.

We dated off and on for several years. We did not have sex in the begining because I was underage, and he did not want to get charged with statutory rape. He would take me out, or sometimes come over to my house while everyone was gone. Even when we were not seeing each other, my love for him never wavered. I just knew I was going to marry him.

I moved out of my parents' house when I was 19. That's when J finally agreed that I was old enough. I went over to his place, we made out, and things (finally) progressed beyond kissing and touching. We saw each other a few more times, but I had realized that he was not what I was really looking for. I realized I wanted someone who would commit to me for more than a month or two at a time. One night when he was trying to convince me to go stay the night with him, I kept coming up with excuses why I couldn't, but he kept coming up with ways around them.

So I stayed the night with him. He promised me the little house with a picket fence, two kids, a car, a dog, and him coming home to me every night. I thought maybe it was going to finally work out. Maybe he had finally grown up enough that we could be together. I did not want to be at his place that night, but we fell asleep cuddled together.

That's where the dream becomes a nightmare. I woke up in the middle of the night, to find him on top of me. I was so shocked, I just laid there and pretended I was still asleep. When he was finished, he rolled off of me, and went back to sleep.

The next morning, he showed me a dress that he said he would like for me to wear sometime. He then said that he thought it would look better on me than it did on him. I looked at him a little sideways, and he explained that he had worn it out to the clubs a few times. I was in shock.

I have nothing against those who cross dress. That was not the problem. The problem was that we had been together for so long, and in such an intimate way, before he told me. He took me to work, promising me we would do something for Valentine's day, which was just a week or two away.

I never heard from him again. It took me many years beore I realized that what happened the night I woke up with him on top of me was rape. That is not the only time I have been violated, but it somehow is one of the most painful. Perhaps because he was my first true love.


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Apr. 9, 2011 at 8:26 PM

i think when its someone you know and someone you love, it hurts more. and why shouldn't it? when its a stranger, you don't have that emotional connection with him ya know? im sorry that happen to you. i have been thrown a few curve balls myself and all i can say is live for the positive. if you focus on the negative, then they win. but if we live for the good in our lives, our kids, our family, our friends, the man you will meet and be the man of your real dreams and not nightmare, then we win. i don't know about you, but i love winning :)

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