Healing does hurt.. Its like when things happen, part of you is stuck in a little room of that pain.. We have to turn around and walk back thru the door with Jesus to get out of it..

So many times I have tried to go tell people about what happened, and so many times as an adult by other christians 1700 miles away from all of the abuse, that they told me I just had to get over it, and not talk about it...  I would just shut back down, stuff everything back in...

But you do have to stop hiding from it, turn around and walk back thru the door to get out of that little room and recieve healing..  you cant just get over it by not facing that it actually happened. .

my mom was raped at 14 and forced to have me. I was scheduled to be aborted and my mom went the wrong day to her apointment. (the day before)  and couldnt get a way there the next day. my great grandma had just recently gotten re-married (her 1st husband who was a preacher and a police officer, also a child molester died a few years before) while visiting new husbands family, his nephew was the one who raped my mom..  so they forced them to get married. My dad beat the crap out of my mom often, and came home drunk and beat her and raped her again, and i was born 2 months early with my heart,lungs and liver not working..   so thats twice that I should have died to begin with...

I went back and forth living with my mom and my great grandma, when my mom was working.. I told my grandma about my uncle touching me when i was around 5 yrs old.. I can remember having sex at around 3 yrs old. My grandma told me that it was a sin, and bad, that I had to stop it because God was going to show it in the clouds like a movie to all who had ever lived.. And that my Uncle was Gods Chosen Child.... But then she started taking my sister into her room to protect her and left me out for my uncle.. 

I went back to live with my mom, but I never told her anything.. I guess because i just believed that it was all my fault..  My stepdad, would beat the crap out of my brother, you could hear him hitting the walls.. make him stand in corners on his tip toes, and lock him in the room with a coffee can to go to the bathroom in...  He was not as physically abusive to me and my sister as he was to my brother.. But he was very verbally/emotionally abusive to us... and a couple of times a year we would really get it..

When I was 10 yrs old, my brother died. He was 9 yrs old.. On his way to school... I was at this camp thing with the 5th grade.. so I wasnt there.... He was walking to school (running from bullies)  These 2 boys who had threatened to beat him up before were the ones with him... He got ran over by OUR school bus driver on a different road that we had never walked on before.. The boys had chased him, and pushed him in front of the bus.. The bus driver asked everyone else on the bus what did she hit, and my brother was drug over a block before she stopped the bus..

I am the oldest out of 8 kids, I had to help with them always and anything that happened was also my fault because I should of stopped it... I would also say something or step in front of my stepdad and my other brothers and sisters and take their beatings as well as my own when that happened... I felt guilty for my brothers death, because i wasnt there, and also so bad for all the abuse that he went threw and no one to stick up for him.

When my brother died I went and spent 2 weeks with my dad, and his side of the family.. I was also molested by him and my cousins.. I never told anyone, I figured that because it followed me every where I went that It had to be all some how my fault... My dads side of the family, my moms brother , my stepdads family...

When I turned 18 I ran off and got married, no one knew for 4 days.. and then we went 1700 miles away.My husband was controlling and sometimes verbally/emotionally abusive.He would say things that would trigger my childhood and there was alot of misunderstandings in our marriage. He knew I was abused but did not know how or anything else. He didnt want to know, and me not being able to tell him anything was really hard on our marriage. I refused to leave him, I didnt want to go back home to my stepdad for 1 thing, and I didnt want to be like so many of my friends and family that had been through divorce.. I Also felt that since we were still having sex that things were fine..

My love language is touch, hugs etc, and being that it was used against me things are hard, I felt like if we werent having sex then he didnt love me... But then things that i couldnt say or do, and couldnt tell him why was really hard...

We just had our 12th wedding anniversay, and things are Alot better between us, He started coming to church with me, and accepted Jesus and got baptized a couple years ago..  He has admitted the physical,mental and emotional abuse in his family  and I finally just a few months ago was able to tell him all the things that happened to me..  I had only counted 3 people that had abused me, and while talking to my husband it just all came out, things i didnt even remember at the time just started flowing out..... I was abused by 19 people throughout my childhood...

Jesus can heal our brokeness if we give him all of the pieces.. He walks with us at our pace, always there to listen.. He does not push us or force us to do or deal with anything...

I am now going thru Celebrate recovery, Each of the steps and principals are all with bible verses..... doing the 12 steps program,  its for every Hurt, Habit or Hang Up in our lives...It is hard, but So Worth it... 

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lemk933
Apr. 11, 2011 at 9:29 PM

Also been hurt by many others after my childhood. 

I can totally feel your pain, as to dealing with family also... 

When I was 17,   I went to take care of my great grandma, it was after my grandpa had passed,  my uncle walked over 15 blocks, broke into my room and tried to mess with me again...Telling me that he should go to jail but that it would not change him......  He ended up going to jail for violation of parole..

And I went to take care of my grandma,  she  had alzetimers (sp)  and would constantly talk about my poor uncle and how he was arrested for doing nothing wrong.. and when i would tell her what he did she would just  ask how i knew, and then not believe it... she would cuss me out and throw things... the cussing and throwing things was totally not her, as she had also been a preacher along with her first husband.. they both had thier ministerial liscenses..  But it was normal for her to stick up for my uncle and everything else....

My in laws have said many things that Have also hurt me....

Along with my many attempts to hurt my self.... 

I let others abuse and control me without even noticing it......  and I just beat myself up, taking responibility for everything and everyone, what they said, did or didnt do, even their feelings and accept the shame and guilt of it all.....

It wasnt until i noticed that my daughter at 4 yrs old was acting out on the outside what I had been feeling and doing on the inside before i started facing and really trying to deal with things even when others would tell me not to...

I did not want my kids to be mentally/emotionally   hiding and acting like they had been abused and acting like me, letting everyone else abuse and control them like I did..... Without even being abused...

thats when i started to face and get thru things.....

It is still hard to be a parent, I do not know what is normal or age approprieate.. What rules, chores, responsibilities, etc... etc.. are right for thier ages... I dont want to over or under disipline them.... it is hard trying to balance it all out....    They are great kids, its just my insecurities that have me questioning anything and everything I do or dont do...and afraid of what everyone else is thinking...

But I do know that God is With me, and with them.. They have both accepted him into thier hearts. We pray for only his will to happen everyday.. He loves us All soo much. And helps us thru

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Repen...
Apr. 12, 2011 at 7:50 AM

Dear Tara,

Wow... what a heart wrenching story. I sat over just bawling reading your story. I so wish I could just come give you a great big hug! Celebrate recovery is a wonderful program and if you're interested I would also recommend Reformer's Unanimous if there's one nearby where you live. Don't ever let anyone try to tell you not to talk about what happened to you. One of the biggest things I learned in AA was that you're only as sick as your secrets. Meaning that they can only have power over you if you choose not to expose them, and every time you share you're story you're dividing your problems just a little bit more. May God richly bless you with healing and recovery from this horrible series of events.

((Hugs))
~Debbie~
aka: RepentantSinner

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