I'm writing this and saving it in the event that you actually ask me the question about how do I really feel.

I would love nothing more than for us to have a future together, for a lot of reasons.  One, we have children, and another, we have a ten year history.  But I no longer see you the way I used to.  I really do not think that we can work things out anymore.  I know what I want out of life and out of a partner, I am absolutely sure what I want, and you are not it.  I'm not sure if you ever were.  What's changed?  I think I've changed.  I don't know if you've changed, but I do know that I see you differently.  I think what happened was I saw you as I wanted to see you, not for who you really are. And, I've grown a backbone.  I've grown tired of being treated in ways that make me miserable and I've finally had enough of it.

I'm not at all saying that you are a bad person.  I am saying you are not good for me.

There are things about you that I cannot reconcile enough to even think things could work.  Do you want to know what they are?  If you do, read on.  If not, skip the rest of this paragraph.  You are financially irresponsible.  You've put this family in the hole more times than I care to remember and you refused to change your ways.  That makes you selfish.   You cannot commit to me, NEVER.  When things go bad you run off to the first female that gives you any kind of attention.  That shows me that you aren't serious about me at all.  If you wanted me, you would never go for anyone else's attention, REGARDLESS if I was giving you attention or not.  You lie.  A lot.  I really don't know if you've always lied this much but I've definitely noticed more lying than I have ever known from you, and that I will NOT tolerate in a husband, PERIOD.  You are STILL playing games with me.  You kissed me and tried to hold my hand to see how I felt (all the while having this other chick on the line) instead of just asking me.  We are not in high school anymore.  You want to know something then ASK.  You hurt me entirely too much when you play these games and I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT ANY MORE.  And lastly but most importantly, you skipped out on your son.  I don't care who you were at the bar with, if could have been Barak fucking Obama and if it were me, I would have told ol' Barry to kiss my ass, that my son had just been released from the hospital and I was going to be with him.  You did what you promised me you would not do -- you took out your anger at me on the kids.  Yet I've heard little remorse from you.  I cannot justify to myself being with some one who treats my kids this way.  I never thought I'd feel the instinct to go "psychotic overprotective mother" against their own father, but I do now.  You make such bad decisions in nearly every aspect of your life.  All I've gotten was justification for your SHITTY actions instead of just manning up and admitting that you were being a complete jerk. AND WHO GETS THE SHAFT MORE THAN ANYONE?  Your kids, that's who.

Was I wrong to look at your text messages when you left your phone in my truck?  Yeah, probably.  The fact is I had told you that I didn't want to waste my energy on "us" but just the day before you were kissing me and then the next day, holding my hand.  I was trying to figure you out.  Boy, did I get what I asked for.  This girl says she LOVES you and your response is you can't wait to spend more time with her.  I can't believe you think I am stupid enough to believe that this only started on Friday and she said she loves you on Sunday.  And talking about making out with her.. really?  Then you try to tell me that she didn't mean she loves you "in that way."  Good God how stupid do you think I am?  How much more of your bullshit do you think I'm going to tolerate?  You say you want your family back, then that's where your attention needs to be, not some silly bitch with 7-color hair.  You want me to give you attention then you need to NOT give yours out to others either.  I don't get why that's so hard for you to understand.  You say you want your family back, ACT LIKE IT.  You can't possibly have wanted it that bad if you were barking up her dumb tree just a day later.  And news flash: I'm not as dumb as these other bitches you keep around.

No, I'm not going to email her and tell her that you probably lied to her like you did the last one I caught you with.  Nope, it's her problem now.  I'm over that.  I'm over you.

So you're next question is probably, what is it I DO want if it isn't you?  Well, I'll tell you.  If you don't want to know, skip this paragraph.  I need a man that thinks of me as a holy gift from God.  As if I were made just for him and no one else, and no one else on this Earth will do for him, or ever take my place with him.  You have never made me feel that way.  What I got from you was abandonment  I need to feel safety and security, a rare thing with you.  I need some one who is man enough to face up to what he's done wrong and not lie to me about it.  I need a man that isn't afraid to talk to me when things aren't going too good.  I need a man that puts ME above his idiot pothead friends.  Wait, scratch that, I need a man that isn't going to HAVE idiot pothead friends that keep stabbing him in the back yet he's not secure enough to dump them because he's afraid to be alone.  I need some one that REFUSES to allow outside forces to influence our relationship.  Some one who loves me to the point where it does not MATTER one bit to him how his family and friends feel about us.  He doesn't let their opinions influence him or his decisions about our relationship.  Most importantly, I NEED SOME ONE THAT DOESN'T RUN AWAY THE SECOND THINGS DON'T GO HIS WAY.

Now, give me one good reason WHY I should settle for less than what I KNOW damn well I fucking deserve.

Add A Comment


Apr. 12, 2011 at 1:17 AM

clappingDont ever for get that you do deserve so much more.....

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 12, 2011 at 4:51 AM

Very sounds like you've made a very good decision in NOT being with him! Good Luck!

Message Friend Invite

Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?

Sign up for CafeMom!

Already a member? Click here to log in