I've got house guests coming this evening and two more rooms to clean before they get here. I should be excited and full of energy, but I want to go back to bed.  I want to open up a bottle of wine and down the whole thing while listening to Peter Gabriel's "I Grieve" over and over again. 

From where I am right now, nothing I've ever done has been good enough for anyone and it never will be.  I am a failure as a wife, a mother, an artist and a human being.  I have no fucking clue why I was born and I am an embarrassment to all who know me.  Friends aren't responding to e-mails and texts right now, and while my logical mind tells me it's because they are busy doing their own thing, the depression tells me it is because they really don't like me.  The worst of it?  I'm in my 40's. I'm having the same bleak, self-hating episodes I've had since I was a teenager.  I should have grown out of this shit by now.  I should have matured.  I've done lots of  therapy, I've tried the anti-depressants, and still here I am.

At least we have the drill down here at home. My dh knows to help with the kids when I get like this, and I know to go into the bedroom when I can't stop crying or when I feel so despondent that I can't talk to anyone. 

This too shall pass.

Add A Comment


Apr. 14, 2011 at 3:53 PM

I'm a fellow depression sufferer, and I can relate.

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 14, 2011 at 3:54 PM

This probably doesnt comfort you much, but I want you to know that you are not alone.  I know what that feels like.  I suffer from anxiety and take zoloft but sometimes I do have breakdowns and yes it will cause your mind to start telling you crazy things.  I am here for you.  We can talk as little or as much as you like and I will even give you my number or email if you like.  Please let me know.  Hugs!!

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 14, 2011 at 3:56 PM

All I can tell you is that there is healing for your suffering.  I've been there, and I have received the freedom that comes by getting rid of it.  So don't give up.  Just keep on looking for the right kind of help.  It is available, although it is extremely hard to find. 

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 14, 2011 at 4:05 PM


Message Friend Invite

Apr. 14, 2011 at 4:21 PM

i wish to offer you some comfort, although I don't know the answer for you...as i suffer from the axact same self loathing and terrifying episodes of confusion and darkness and humiliation.  I can only tell you that you are not alone and that you are not so different as the majority of the people I've ever known in this life have all had some suffering and abt 80% of the people i know have experienced these same type of thoughts fears & insecurities that u and i both have ....so if we all feel this way at times maybe you are not as different as u think. hugs and prayers. lots of cyber friendship here. Don't forget--physical movement, snacking alot to keep up blood sugar, sunlight and ample sleep are important good luckhugs

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 14, 2011 at 4:30 PM

I am very sorry you feel this way. I have been there too, andstill feels that way sometimes. but praying or doing yoga helps me. you will be ok. keep your head up. BIG HUGS.

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 14, 2011 at 4:58 PM

Been there done that :(

Hun there is help out there but ya gotta seek it out. Sending good vibes & hugs your way.


Message Friend Invite

Apr. 14, 2011 at 5:03 PM

You can't outgrow chemical depression and it is nothing to be ashamed of.  If you were diabetic and had been since you were a teen would anyone expect you just to outgrow that?  Would you be so hard on yourself if your symptoms were physical instead of emotional?  Give yourself a break and reach out to a professional for help.  It can mean the difference between just enduring life and really living it.

I give you ((hugs)) and lots of strength and courage to make the first move toward healing yourself. 

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 14, 2011 at 5:25 PM

I agree with cleanaturalady. They have new depression medications that can help. I know taking fishoil helps. You can start with that and stay on it while on your other medications just talk to you dr and see what options you have not tried yet. I do not have depression but i have anxiety and it make me feel realld bad. i take medication at the on set of an attch. It helps. Try to get out of the house everyday even in for 10 minutes. fresh air helps. when you in the house all day everyday it can make things worse. good luck to you. i hope everything works out.

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 14, 2011 at 9:22 PM

Oh, I understand every word you wrote!

It will pass. I think the advantage we have for this is that we know that it will pass. When you're young, it seems like the world will end.

I'm only 39, but I don't think it's something you get over as a teenager. Look at people. Some are power-hungry. Some are foolish. Some can't hold onto a job or can't save money. Very few of us are perfect by 40!

I'm sorry you're here again, but you're not alone. I hope you escape soon back to the rest of the world and away from the doubt and self-hatred.

Message Friend Invite

Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?

Sign up for CafeMom!

Already a member? Click here to log in