I like to journal a lot and I keep one specific journal on the insane things my family says, especially my parents and was wondering if any of you have stories about the weirdness of your own families.  Here are a few of my very favorites:   

My parents like to argue over which parenting strategies to take with me at the dinner table when I’m visiting from college.  The other day I was home for a weekend visiting and I was telling them about a psychology class I was taking and a section we studied on self esteem.  They immediately began arguing over MY self esteem and my mom said, “Daddy, we should tell her more that she’s good looking.  That’s what builds self esteem.”  My dad went insane and said, “Well what if someone doesn’t think she’s good looking?  Then she’d have nothing.”

My mom presented me with a huge dictionary because she said it would help me with my school work.  I told her I appreciated it, but dictionary.com is a much faster, easier way of looking up unknown words.  Her response was, “Daddy and I are paying for that kind of stuff when you have a free book right in front of you?”  She proceeded to scream for my dad and they both gave me lectures on “spending their hard earned money on useless things,” and “I’m too lazy to even open a book and would rather spend their hard earned money than appreciate that they worked 27 hours a day for the past nineteen years to give me a future.”  When my dad got onto his online banking account (which I taught him how to set up) he proclaimed he was going to sue these “dictionary people” for not showing him his purchases.  All the while I was trying to explain that it’s free and he screamed at me that nothing in life is free and I better “learn the system.”

My sophomore year of college I went home for a weekend and on Saturday my dad drug me to the John Deer house with him.  All the old dudes who hang out there have known me since I was a baby and I went through the usual routine of them teasing me.  After dad was done “shopping” (gossiping with his friends about cotton, sheep, and horses) he came back and one of his friends told him he should buy me a better car than the station wagon I had inherited from my parents.  Dad said, “I am not buying this child a new car.  It would be like giving a gun to a depressed person.”  One of his friends enthusiastically offered the opinion that “well if she had a better car perhaps she will find a more suitable husband on account that successful men might judge her by her car.”  Dad responded with, “her curves will find her an acceptable husband.  Just look at her.”

On winter break, one of my aunt’s was harassing me about being “a sore disappointment, party girl, alcoholic nuisance” and told my dad he needed to “discipline his daughter.”  My dad turned to her husband, his brother and said, “you need to discipline your woman before I do something that is considered un-gentlemanly like, talking to my baby like that.”  Dad was wearing shorts, socks, cowboy boots, a button down shirt, and cap, while sipping tea out of a wine glass.

 

 

My dad took it upon himself to go through my phone one time when I was visiting from school.  I had a booty call and he read through all of our sexual text messages and then called the guy and said, “You need to make yourself presentable to me young man.  On Friday, I’ll have Mamma throw together some liver and peppers and we’ll sit down and have dinner and a nice little talk.”

 

I had just gotten my new picture phone and left it out to charge on the counter when I was visiting my parents.  I was playing with my nieces outside and when I came back in, my dad assaulted me with his  “knowledge that I had been making self made porn pictures and sending them to this Josh person.”  He bragged about how outstanding he was to have figured out this “computer phone thing” and when he told my mom, she screamed at me, “I saw all about sexting on Fox News!  Now I have to live with the fact that my daughter will have her body parts exposed to the world.”

 

When I was home for winter break, my sister and I were discussing ways to avoid identity theft online.  My mother demanded that we put alarms on our computers so no one could “break into them.”

 

My dad called me in college, claiming he had “proof” that I was having pre-marital sex and when I denied it, my mother shouted (I was on speaker phone) “God and I both know what you’ve been up to.  Lying to your Daddy is the same thing as lying to God.  You’re going to sit there and lie to God?”

 

When I was seven we were at the dinner table and my mom told me to eat like a lady because Jesus would like that.  I told her I’d rather hang out with the devil anyway because he would be more fun and she was horrified and my dad took me “out to the barn.”  I expected to get a spanking but he told me that even if the devil is more fun, it’s very mean to “upset my Mamma and all that religious stuff she believes.”

 

When I announced to my parents at twenty that I was an atheist, my father roared at me to “go to the barn.”  The barn was the place that spankings happened when I was little (because my mom got so upset when we were spanked) so I was literally wondering if he was going to attempt to spank me.  Instead, he said, “I know all this god stuff is hogwash and whatnot but if you don’t pretend to adhere to it the way I do, I’m gonna whoop your ass.  That crap makes your Mamma happy and it’s my job to make your Mamma happy and if you’re making her unhappy then it’s my job to whoop your ass.  Go tell Mamma you were kidding and that you love Jesus.  And tell her I had nothing to do with your heathenism if she doubts you.”  

 

I told my dad once that it’s really annoying the way he wears his concealed handgun everywhere we go, even to Wal-Mart.  He replied, “So you would be fine with someone harming your sweet, dear Mamma?  Because there are lunatics everywhere and I won’t allow Mamma to be harmed.  With your thinking these days I believe you are a lunatic and you clearly wouldn’t mind being stolen by some pedophile.  Thank God I’m around to protect your dumb ass.”  When I informed him that I go to college 120 miles away he said, “No one would harm you anyway because they know I’d destroy them.”  I guess kudos for fatherly love?   

 

My dad to his friend while I was sitting right there:  “Why is she the way she is?  I have no idea.  I was a great father.  I entertained all her mother’s holy shenanigans and beat the shit out of this kid when she was bad and made her clean my tool shed.  I taught her character and rode her ass and made her be responsible.  And now I’ve got this twenty three year old girl claiming she’s a feminist and a democrat who sucks money out of my bank account for her hippy education.  I don’t know where I went wrong.”  When his friend said he meant how did he raise such a great daughter, my dad said, “I beat her ass, made her clean my tool shed, built her character, and sent her ass to college.  That’s why she’s a great kid.  And I believe she is also very attractive.”

 

My dad called me in a panic at about 4:45, demanding to know how to get to youtube because he wanted to show my mom a funny video before youtube closed.

 

When I was in high school I was restricted from being on the internet between noon and one, and after eight pm.  My dad said those were the best times for a pedophile to find me.

 

When I announced to my parents that I thought I was more middle of the road than pure, hard republican, my dad said, “I would rather you worship Satan than be a democrat.  If you’re going to be inclined to be evil you might as well get that guy on your side anyway.”

 

After telling my dad that I had voted for Obama, he said, “I do not believe in verbally abusing girls but you are an idiot.”

 

My freshman year of college I was really struggling with biology and when I got an B on the final exam, I called my mom to tell her about it.  “Good job baby!” she said, “and next time maybe you’ll get an A!”  I was on speaker phone and heard my dad say, “No Mamma!  Tell her she did really good because if we build her up better than she is she might be one of those kids that does suicide.” 

 

Since my dad retired, he has become a huge fan of the online world.  When I go home, he’ll make me sit there for an hour plus while he shows me all of the “logical facts” he’s stated to “stupid idiots” on his cotton farming online community.

 

My dad typed the following into the google search engine:  “I believe I should have sent my daughter to community college before university, on account that she is nineteen and thinks she knows everything and is dating a Jewish boy.  How do I get her to not get pregnant and can I legally make her get on that birth control thing that lasts five years that Mamma was talking about?”

 

He also typed in the google search engine:  "I am highly suspicious that my daughter has had pre-marital sex so how do I find the boy who has done this to her?"

 

When I was twenty two my dad asked me over family dinner, “So those STD things.   Have you ever had one because my insurance rate has gone up and I am assuming this has something to do with you.”

 

To this day, my dad swears that if I ever tell my mother about the half a beer he let me drink when I was twenty one that he will “beat the ever living shit out of me until I beg to die.”

 

When I graduated college my father told me this: “My dad told me women are born ignorant, but you are a very smart girl.  I’m assuming it’s because of my exquisite genes and parental guidance.”

 

When I was seventeen:  “I saw you out over there pissing by the flower garden and I think you’ve been drinking.”  When I denied it he said, “you think I don’t know anything?  That’s where I pee when I’m drunk because Mamma can’t see that spot from the bedroom.  You’re grounded.”

 

Text message from Dad in college:  “I saw those facebook pictures of you and your hoodlum friends being idiots.  Mamma says you need to eat more and I do not like that homosexual looking boy.  I have also learned that Chimy’s is not a place you have to pay to go study.  You are using my credit card to buy alcoholic beverages and you lied to me and I am not pleased by this.  You are in big trouble.”   Ten minutes later, another text, “Mamma made me send that.   You make my life difficult because now I have to send you another card to go get drunk at that dumb place with and I don’t like lying to your mother about things.  Keep those goddam pictures off facebook and don’t get pregnant and stop making your mother make me investigate you.  I know full well what you’re up to and you aren’t fooling me little girl.  But for my sake though, we really do need to be careful with your mother because she’s trying to make me drive up there every weekend and get a hotel and keep an eye on you and I just want to go fishing.  Behave.”

 

My mother called me the other day and said that since dad has retired, he has formed an addiction to the computer.  “I think we need to have one of those intervention things because he’s on that thing at least half an hour a day.”

 

I was nineteen and at home for Christmas and my dad and uncles all opened a beer.  I asked if I could have one too and my dad said, “What am I some sort of child abuser?”  He then said, “In the morning when Youtube opens, we are going to watch some videos on how your drinking alcohol is wasting my money sending you to that university thing on account beer will make you an idiot.” 

 

My dad refers to Google as "he," and tells us he's going to go "ask Google something."  When he first started using Google, after finding his answer, he would type "thank you" into the search engine and hit send.

And my all time personal favorite:

In high school, my friend Clair and I went out into my dad’s old, unused tractor and she smoked a crap ton of pot.  I didn’t smoke but didn’t care that she did.  When we opened the door, an entire cloud of smoke billowed out and I was paranoid that my parents had seen it so we went on a long walk so she could “sober up.”  When I got back to the house, I went to my room and there was a bag of chips and a few packets of cheese on my pillow with a note that said “I’m assuming you’re hungry after acting like a hoodlum.  I didn’t want to worry your mother but we are having a talk tomorrow.”

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Comments:

ttu05
Apr. 14, 2011 at 8:46 PM

My parents are awesome and they are both very happy people.  :)  And this journal only took me about ten minutes to create because I copied/pasted those things from a journal I've kept since college.  Keep in mind, those were written when I was in high school and college and she was a good parent by allowing me to know she wanted to be involved in my life.  My daddy is not "in the middle;" he loves my mother with his whole heart and I feel like I was blessed with the best parents in the world, though I didn't see it like that when I was in high school and college.  Shame on you for being so judgemental about people you know nothing about.

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ttu05
Apr. 14, 2011 at 9:44 PM

Also sweetpea, I recently miscarried my twins and my wonderful mother took me on a vacation to help me deal with the pain and she was wonderful, supportive, and loving.  My daddy helped my husband with our daughter while Mom and I were gone and my dad, as well as my mom, have given me so much advice and love and guidance throughout this, as well as helping my husband.  My dad worships the ground my mother walks on and she adores him and loves him SO much.  A woman couldn't ask for better parents than mine and I am thankful every day that I was lucky enough to be raised by such sweet, loving, hilarious characters. 

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Stickmom
Apr. 15, 2011 at 2:41 AM

OMG, LMAO! Your Dad is so cool! And..yes...it's clear he adores Mamma! :-) Thanks for sharing this with us...it must have been very interesting growing up in your house! :-)

I'm so sorry about your recent loss.

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Greml...
Apr. 15, 2011 at 8:22 AM

This journal was awesome, lol... add more!

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jlo1313
Apr. 15, 2011 at 10:43 AM

You are so blessed to have your parents as such good role models in your life.  I am sorry for your loss - saw it in HD and have been thinking about you while you are coping.  It was so smart of you to journal all of this for as long as you have, you will have those memories to pass down to your children for years to come and also several "antics" to pull on your own children.  I hope you got the new car!

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Mommy...
Apr. 15, 2011 at 9:23 PM

Hilarious!  It sounds like you had an interesting and happy childhood.  I am glad you can appreciate it! 

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daisyb
Apr. 16, 2011 at 12:34 AM

TOO FUNNY & TOO CUTE:)

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Vinta...
Apr. 16, 2011 at 1:17 AM

Teehee..I laughed all the way through this :)

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Vinta...
Apr. 16, 2011 at 1:32 AM

Okay, my votes for funniest go to the STD thing, the intervention one, youtube closing and opening and the google thank yous :)

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Mrs_R...
Apr. 16, 2011 at 2:04 AM

By far the best read I've gotten on CafeMom. Thanks for sharing!!

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