I know that sounds odd so please let me explain. I was raped 6 years ago. I used to say all the time that I regretted choosing to go up the mountain with my friend to his parents' house that night. That decision is what lead to my rape. I used to regret it so much because of the pain it caused me. I am pained by it. I sleep with nightlights on. I am on antidepressants so I can function. I go to therapy so I can talk about it in real life without breaking down in tears. But it has honestly done so much good for me too.

Before my rape, I used to think like most American women seem to. I was sure that I would do everything possible to get out of that situation, would go to the hospital immediately afterwards, remember to ask for the morning after pill, go to police afterwards, and most importantly of all I thought there was no way it could happen to me. I didn't know the statistics before. I didn't know that 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have to deal with this (RAINN). So I didn't think I would become a victim. I also didn't fight tooth and nail to get away or go to the hospital afterwards because I was in shock. I honestly didn't realize what happened until hours later. I did report it to the police but it was a day or 2 later. I also never got the morning after pill because I honestly forgot.

But I am also a stronger, better person due to my rape. I now write about it honestly. I have found it helps me and others. I raise awareness for this awful crime, especially now that it is sexual assault awareness month. However, what I think the biggest improvement is is that I am more confident now, as odd as that sounds. I also sort of have a purpose in life now. I am confident in my actions and my actions usually include trying to find ways to prevent this from happenning to others or trying to get harsher sentences for those who commit this crime. I also talk to other victims and survivors about this crime. I am confident when I talk to them that I know what I am talking about since I have been there. I have felt their pain.

Do I wish I never had to feel this pain? I really don't know anymore. It has shaped so much of the last 6 years of my life. I honestly do not know what kind of person I would be without that pain. However, this does not mean I am thankful for it. I could've gone a lifetime without feeling this pain and been content with that. I just choose to dwell on the positives I can do because of having felt this pain rather than dwell on the negatives and pain it has caused me.

If you are a victim or survivor who needs help, RAINN is here to help. Their toll free hotline number is 1-800-656-HOPE(4673). They also have an online website...https://ohl.rainn.org/online/. And finally if you are in the military, here is the website specifically for you, https://www.safehelpline.org/.


Who are the Victims? | RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. (n.d.). RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network | RAINN: The nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization.One of "America's 100 Best Charities" -Worth magazine. Retrieved April 15, 2011, from http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims

Add A Comment


Apr. 19, 2011 at 11:02 AM

when i called the rape hotline(IT WAS NOT RAINN) all they told me was we are so sorry, nothing we can do for you. i hope and pray other woman find the help they need.

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 19, 2011 at 1:12 PM

Thanks for sharing your story sweetie... I have been raped twice... The first one took me a long time to come to terms with... I was very young... I said no... He didn't listen... The fact that I didn't fight him after it started confused me... I convinced myself that it wasn't rape... The fact still remained that I did say no over and over and I would not have had sex with him if he didn't force me... Just talking to people, I have found that the statistics are low... Almost every woman I know has had some kind of sexual assault or abuse in some form at some point in their lives... It's disgusting and shouldn't happen... Talking about it helps... I know now that I can help other women dealing with confusing feelings about this... I have a wonderful hub that understands that sometimes I freak out during sex.... It's not his fault and he didn't do anything wrong... He is helping me heal and truly believe and live the fact that I am not what happened to me... I am so much more than what the boy who raped me took away...

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 19, 2011 at 7:22 PM Even i hd been raped and aftr marriage it took me a year to have 1st time sex wd my hubby. My hubby usd to get annoyed that i nvr let him touch me bt he gave me space. Bt even now aftr hv a baby when he wnts sex im uneasy bt he forces and has wd me as he say's he needs it frm me. He cnt go out to hv it as im his wife and only source for him to have healthy sex. So if im nt in a mood he agrees bt aftr a wk or so if i still deny that he does it forcefully and i shout alot aftr the acts done. I dnt knw why past nvr lets me live in present. Rape makes u matured bt robes you of your innocence.

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 19, 2011 at 8:09 PM

You, my dear, have always been an amazing woman.  I am amazed at how much you have opened up in the past few years about this all.  I am glad you have found almost a serene place to be able to discuss and help others with this. 

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 19, 2011 at 8:31 PM

Thanks carmadsmom. I actually transferred everything I have written on here about my rape onto a new journal. I'm going to turn it into a blog.

Message Friend Invite (Original Poster)

Apr. 19, 2011 at 10:30 PM

I hope more women learn from you.  I would definately transform it into a blog.  Also share your positive outcome.   You are a wonderful mother and you have accomplished so much including your education.  You deserve so much and you have made it so you have pushed through instead of using your experience as a crutch.

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 19, 2011 at 10:41 PM

I wasnt raped but i was sexually assaulted and like many of you, i still feel uncomfortable about intercourse. i sometimes try not to think about it but sometimes the memory creeps up on me. After i was assaulted, i moved in with my grandparents and it took me a while to even be comfortable around my own grandfather. things like this whether you were assaulted or raped, they take away a piece of you that is a lot harder to get back. and i agree that it does help to talk about it with others because it helps build that trust back. Anyways, thanks for sharing your story and thanks for the info, its good to know that we are not alone and that we can always find help.

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 19, 2011 at 10:42 PM

Many blessings to you for writing this to help other women.  I know that it's a cliche to say that "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but I am a firm believer that this is often true, and you are proof.

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 20, 2011 at 1:38 AM

Thanks for sharing your story and the links.

Message Friend Invite

Apr. 20, 2011 at 3:19 PM

Thanks for sharing. My little sister was raped when she was 14 by a 17 year old. She got pregnant and had her son at 15 years old. WY law is so screwed up and the guy was never charged with the crime and he even gets visitation and has all other parental rights! Her son is going to be 10 this year and she has to relive this rape every other weekend and on holidays. It's very sad :(

Message Friend Invite

Want to leave a comment and join the discussion?

Sign up for CafeMom!

Already a member? Click here to log in