This is what I drew last night.


Obviously I was experiencing some strong emotions last night. It started when I saw something done by Survivors. Survivors is the local shelter. They are supposed to help domestic abuse and sexual assault victims. However, the majority of their services are for domestic abuse victims. They even have their weekly support group being a combo group, which I just feel is inappropriate. And when I went there for therapy their 'therapists' aren't properly trained to help sexual assault victims. The therapists just talk about their history with sexual assault. That does no good for someone who was just raped 2 weeks ago.

Anyways, Survivors did a project I came upon quite by accident. It was a whole bunch of t-shirts and shoes. The t-shirts were of different colors. There was a plaque explaining the colors. Each color represented what that person went through. Lavender was suppose to be the color for sexual assault victims...but there were no lavender shirts. It pissed me off quite honestly. Then I read one of the stories that went with the shoes. The story was how the shoes ended up being in police custody. The woman was date raped. That got to me. I couldn't read anymore.

The rest of the night was a downward spiral. The project was on the seminary grounds, which is where my boyfriend (now husband) saved me when I had my first suicide attempt. This of course is in the same town I have lived in for the last decade, which is the same area my rapist still lives in. Everything was closing down on me. I felt like crap. My husband saw and understood but didn't want me to break down in public and waited until we got home and got the kids in bed before he asked me to talk. I didn't want to but I knew I needed to. I told him how I wanted to go drown myself in everything in the bathroom; I wanted to drink all the alcohol there was in the apartment; I wanted to crash my car on the way home; I wanted to cut myself again. He let me cry and get it all out and let me drink a bit. He did cut me off at a certain point, and I'm glad he did.

So now it is the morning. I am feeling a bit better. The world doesn't feel like it is closing down on my anymore. But I sure will have some explaining to do at my therapy appointment here in a few weeks. And this all amazingly fits in with this being sexual assault awareness month.


If you are a victim or survivor who needs help, RAINN is here to help. Their toll free hotline number is 1-800-656-HOPE(4673). They also have an online website...https://ohl.rainn.org/online/. And finally if you are in the military, here is the website specifically for you, https://www.safehelpline.org/.

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Comments:

onyou...
Apr. 21, 2011 at 8:49 AM

Keep your head up! I know it is easier said than done, but there are people you don't even know (like me) that totally 100% believe in you! I have been assulted before, and I also was a SAVI rep while I was in the military. Please try to stay positive and do what helps you to get through. YOU are a beautiful person, and I support and believe in you!!!

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