So...I'm posting this on a website...for a bunch of strangers to read...and I seem okay with that, but maybe not. Maybe that is why I haven't uploaded any real pictures. Or used my children's real names. Maybe. But perhaps I need to vent to someone and a stranger is the perfect person, right? 

The sun is shining. Groceries are in the fridge. The clock is ticking. My sick little boy is on the couch, snoozing away like the little angel he is. Okay, part-time angel. Mister definitely has his tantrums...especially recently. He's always been a sensitive boy and change really affects him negatively. However, change is part of this game, right? My husband and I are military. Or rather, were. That is to say, he was. 

It hasn't even been two full months since I found him...cold, all alone, and bloody in my car. Suicide is the ugliest word, I swear. How can a person go from seemingly okay, to just dead? I guess a bullet through the head does that. Of course, he had to use the gun I had bought him.

I gifted him the very thing that took him away from me. did. 

This is genuinely my fault. 

I broke his heart. Tore it out. I might as well have squeezed that trigger. .......I never want to see another gun in my life. 

I love him, I hate him. I'm sad and angry and guilty and tired. Sometimes it's all I can do to get out of bed. What have I done? 

I told him I felt like I wanted a separation. I told him that I felt like we were down a really bad path. We needed to fix us. I didn't know how. That word: separation....I saw him snap. He was so angry. He told me I had failed us. He didn't want to waste anymore time on me if that's how I felt. That's what he told me. I felt sad, I hurt...I ached to not hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him. I suggested counseling. He said no. He wanted honesty. I gave him honesty and it killed him....why did I do that? 

He started drinking that night...heavily. Something that wasn't unusual when he was that upset. I thought he was going to hit me. Harder than the last time. .....That sounds bad, but he really only did it once. ....That also sounds stupid, doesn't it? 

I guess alcohol can really numb you to reality.

He had two beautiful children. Two boys that idolized him. And even if I didn't want to be married to him, I didn't want him out of my life. I just couldn't deal with the rollercoaster of a marriage that we had. I wanted a break, I guess. 

I guess he couldn't deal with the thought of not having me anymore...

I killed him. I failed him...he was right. I'm 24. Five years of marriage. He wouldn't have even hit 30 years old for a few more years. There is no celebration of life when someone dies like that...and that young...there's only sadness. And guilt. And hurt. I feel like I failed him, his children. 

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Apr. 21, 2011 at 5:29 PM

I don't even what to say, but I felt I should comment with something. I have no words of wisdom to impart. I can only say that this is NOT your fault. In any way. There was obviously something going on within him that you could not have known about.

Prayer to you and your children.

im sorry

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Apr. 21, 2011 at 5:43 PM

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss and your sons' as well.  I can't even imagine what you are going through, but you must understand that you did nothing wrong.  For a person to take his/her own life, they are suffering deeply and you couldn't change that, neither could his boys.  And I also must say, that suicide is cowardly.  You and your boys now have to pick up the pieces and try to get through such a huge tragedy in your family.  But please seek help for them and yourself.  God bless you, and I pray that you find the strength to continue to be a wonderful mother.

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Apr. 21, 2011 at 5:51 PM

Try not to blame yourself.  Suicide is a tragedy, and it is not your fault.  If you hadn't bought him the gun, he would've found another way.  It's sad, but true.  You didnt fail because you wanted to separate. 

I've been in the military, and I'm married to a military man with a lot of PTSD issues, and he had gotten close to taking his own life.  I was lucky enough to catch him and stop him.  You have no blame in this.  I'm so sorry he left you like this, feeling that this was his only way to stop the pain.  Too many military men don't feel they can ask for help, sadly.

As much as you want to say that you could've done something to stop it, there isn't anything you could have done.  I still think about my brother's suicide and wonder, even though I know in my heart that I couldn't have done anything.

Lots of love.

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Apr. 21, 2011 at 5:52 PM


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Apr. 21, 2011 at 8:34 PM


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Apr. 21, 2011 at 9:11 PM

Sweetheart, please! Please don't blame yourself. I wish I could hug you.

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Apr. 21, 2011 at 9:24 PM

You did not kill him.  Yes you bought the gun  and gave it to him but you did not pull the trigger and you did not force him to do it.  His choice to commit suicide was just that..his choice.  It had nothing to do with you buying him a gun.

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Apr. 21, 2011 at 9:41 PM


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Apr. 21, 2011 at 9:45 PM

I agree with all of the other moms here.....You did not kill him. For reasons known only to him, he chose an option that leaves all around him lost, grieving and feeling the guilt. I am so sorry that you are having to go thru this. Make sure that you and your children do get counseling. Join a support group. There is the Widows Club here at Cafemom and they are wonderful support. My heart goes out to you and your children. I hope that time brings you some peace.

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Apr. 21, 2011 at 10:08 PM

I'm sorry. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.

This is not your may "feel" like it right now...but, listen to what everyone is's not...please try not to accept any need to be "present" right now...and your children need you to be for them.

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