Sometimes I feel like there's no in between. There's no remembering DH in a happy way without going down Guilt Alley. I feel like it's a disservice to my children to not speak about him. I actually took his pictures down a few days after he died and Mister was really upset about it. 

Mister: Did you take the pictures down!?

Me: Yes, baby, I did.

Mister: Why, mommy? Those don't go in the closet. [Pointing to every area...accurately] That ones goes there and that one goes there.....Don't ever, ever, ever, ever take them down. 

Me: Okay, mi amor, never. I promise.

It was just a constant reminder of how I failed my husband. I don't know....it was selfish of me to take them down. But I kept my promise. And it's easier and easier to talk about him. 

I'm actually thinking of making them "Daddy books." That way he is never forgotten. My sons need to know all of the good of their father, because when they grow up they will feel he is half of them. They have to know that half of them was an awesome, wonderful person. Sure, he had his faults, but as a father, he had none. 

And I think that maybe....probably not......but just maybe, when they learn he died because he commited suicide.....they won't think they weren't enough for him to stay here. They were his world....he just....I don't really know. I really don't know what to think. I know I feel guilty, but...I want to spare my children any negative emotion besides sadness.....

I just wish he would have stopped and though for a moment about the effects on his children. They are two and four, yes, but this will affect them for the rest of their lives...

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Comments:

mcque...
Apr. 22, 2011 at 6:17 PM

Sending you a big hug and love your way!!!

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smile...
Apr. 22, 2011 at 8:05 PM

I think it might help your kids to talk about the happy times, and bringing him up is not a bad thing it's when u don't talk about him that it becomes somewhat of a bad thing. It might help to do something in memory of him, like letting go ballons with messages attached to them, lighting of candles... And i think you should not feel guilty  remember he took the easy way out and he mad this decision not you.. im not trying to sound mean but everything can be worked out  with a little time, patience and faith.

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older
Apr. 22, 2011 at 8:15 PM

I think you can use mental illness as an excuse for the actual act, if those who take their own lives stopped and thought about life in general, they would never go through with it, maybe with an illness, the shock might be lessened.for your kids, but I would not tell them until they are old enough to understand. just tell them about the great man you thought he was, and let them build on that.  Hugs...

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Shamr...
Apr. 23, 2011 at 10:43 AM Since you took his pictures down I hope you do those daddy books very soon.

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ImPho...
Apr. 23, 2011 at 4:06 PM

They were only down half a day. 

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