Joined a group that I hope will help me get my gifts back to the way it used to be.

I have always had the gift of the gab, that's what my mother told me. I would talk and talk and talk about anything and everything. I guess it was this unrelenting gab that made me look stranger to the eyes of the people I loved.

I was able to see ghost before. They hanged around hospitals and it was there that I encountered the first dead person. But everything seems a blur now that I am older. I remember bits and pieces of people stuck in the ER, walking around with their guts slashed open (now that one really scared the hell out of me) and I find that when I try to recall these things that happened to me, I start to doubt that they even happened at all.

I know that my gifts is within me somewhere, I can feel them and I know they are there, but I also feel that I have lost some of them because I cannot for the life of me take away the dread and sadness that lingers after losing my precious daughter. It  has been 11 years since she left me, and everything changed in the blink of an eye.

You know what they call those things that enables you to heal people? Well I will tell you how it worked for me. 

My baby daughter was born with a heart defect. When she first came out of my womb, I didn't even have the chance to hold her in my arms and bond with her. They took her as soon as she caught her first breath. Now all of this is all very new to me. I have never known another mother who was in the same situation as myself, so being in the hospital was another experience that I didn't want to feel or experience,  but I found myself trying to keep cool and not lose myself.  She had her first surgery to fix the tubes in her heart, and straight after the surgery, she was moved to NICU. It was in this room that I experienced my first real healing. Not of spiritual, but of something else that I wasn't aware of.

Every night I spent in the NICU I took care of my baby. I brushed her hair, I talked to her and I even sang very softly to her. I would lay my head next to her tiny head and whisper how much I love her, and how much happiness she had brought into our lives. She would respond to me by smiling, and squeezing my hand. I knew she could hear me, and I knew my presence was keeping her from leaving this world. 

A few days later, a complication. She was not breathing as well as the doctors wanted her to, she was having a hard time with her lungs and the doctors told me that there was another procedure that they wanted to try so they could help her breathe, but they were unsure whether it would work or not because they had only tried it a few times. I didn't feel anything bad about it, so we gave the okay to go ahead. They later came back with what looked like another oxygen tank but it was another kind of oxygen that was suppose to be very light. They told me that if this didn't work, that they could not do anything more for me or my baby daughter.

That night, fear and dread was next to my bedside. I needed to relax and invite the good energies to me rather than being pulled at all the other emotions everyone was emitting in that hospital. It didn't make things easier when the mom next to your daughter's bed is crying because her son was about to leave her. I felt her pain, her anger and her sadness. but I couldn't do anything about it. I could not even give her some friendly support cause I was drowning in my own sorrows. 

The next day, the doctors had to us that she was not responding well to the treatment and that we should prepare ourselves for the worst. I screamed in my head when he stood there in front of me like he was telling me to give up on my child. I could feel my heart's steady beat as he continued to explain what was going on with our daughter. I could only pick up on bits and pieces of what he was saying, all I could think about was helping my daughter. There had to be a way to help her, I wasn't ready to let her give up just yet.

Fred my fiance found me moping around the hospital as if I was in deep thought. He approached me slowly, sensing my need to be in deep thought. And instead of listening to what I was trying to say with my body language, he came up to me and talked to me. He reminded me of what he had learned from one of his sensei. It was something I had already known and have tested for myself, but that information is lost in my state of mind. I understood what I needed to do, so I ran back to my baby. I needed to hold her and caress her. To spend that time  being in my arms, the vision of mother and daughter, the vision of pure, unselfish,

While she slept sounding, Fred and I took turns on her healing.

I can only say that I wasn't alone that day. My Father in heaven reminded me just how big that small mustard seed is, as long as I am willing to see that mustard seed as a big seed rather than see it with my own eyes to which it will only interpret to my flesh body how small it is, then in his words, we will be able to tell the mountain to move and it will.

I closed my eyes. The first thing I need to do was release the negative energy, all the negative thoughts and scenarios that likes to play in my mind, I call....doubt. I needed to generate enough clean and pure energy to be able to do it. I thought about my wonderful boys that were waiting for me in the Visitors Lounge. I thought about their smile and their laughter. I thought about my family in Australia and remembered how each one laughed. I just picked bits and pieces of good memories from my past and to paste them as my future and my present. While in that state of mind, I envisioned myself as the ........... oxygen.  It was the oxygen that she wasn't responding to, so I had to envision the oxygen as a wind of some kind (I only see oxygen in air so this was the first thing that came to me) and literally took myself inside my child's body. It was like a movie playing and you are the hero of the movie. I saw her heart, I saw her lungs, I saw how the oxygen was having problems being absorbed in her body and I also felt the calmness in her. She was utterly and fully trusting me .......

I know it sounds weird, writing it down sounds even weirder, but I am not a person who lies so freely about things. I am telling you what I did and found so that I will be able to share it with those who have ears to hear, and eyes to see...

We took turns doing this for what seemed like hours. It wasn't an easy thing to do specially for me who was picking up so many other energies in that hospital, but it was a lesson and an experience that I wanted to share. 

I don't even remember how long it took for it to work, all I remember is the doctor setting me and my Fred aside telling us that he couldn't believe what was happening. We must have looked like clowns doing some weird dance around my daughter, all I remember is darkness and body parts. I wasn't in my body and wasn't aware of what I was doing outside my body........and in the same breath, the doctor said....."Whatever it is you guys are doing, keep it up because it's working".

(reluctantly stopping here for now. I am emotionally drained, I will write more cause it seems like its helping me to write about myself and experiences.

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