My fiance's children, 15 year old son and 19 year old daughter, have told him that they don't feel comfortable coming over to our house.  He and I both know that this has a lot to do with his ex wife.  He got on the phone with her to hopefully talk some reason, and the conversation turned bad and she said "you left me for another woman".  Which is barely true, but it's how she feels regardless.
We are getting married in September.  He is a wonderful man.  I am so hurt that his children are doing this.  I am frustrated because I know it can't be about me, or my feelings.  It should be about the kids.  But I am hurting.  I don't want my husband to have to choose between me or them.  That is a terrible thing to do to someone.  Both of them are supposed to be in our wedding.  It is so aweful to have someone trying so hard  to break us up, and using their children as a tool!  How hurtful and spiteful!

I am so sad a depressed now.  I know this is the only problem he and I have, so since it is an issue outside of our relationship, we know that this isn't something that is going to break us up.  But still I fear that he is going to feel he has to choose and he is going to choose them.  From the begining his ex has told him she wants him to see his son without me around, that he should not be at our house.  She would have my fiance have his own place, just so the kids don't have to come here.  The kids friended me on facebook in the begining, of their own will, and then because of their mother they unfriended me.  She is causing them undue stress, and their son is flunking out of school and probably getting into drugs (pot).  Which is a big reason I think he is saying he doesn't want to come here either, his friends are too far away when he comes here, he is a teenager, friends are more important.  I never tried to force myself on them because I didn't want them to feel they have to betray their mother by being my friend, but then I might have not been welcoming enough and now its backfiring.  I have never been mean, never tried to parent them, I leave that to their father.  I always encouraged my fiance to see his kids without me, but he often insisted I was included.  I appreciated that, but I understand having a past with step parents myself, that kids need alone time with their parents. 

This too shall pass. Kids will grow up.  But how do I cope in the meantime?  I feel like the lowest one on the totem poll, and like I'm getting shat on for doing nothing wrong.  We did not have an affair or anything like that.  And I feel like my feelings don't matter, shouldn't matter, because his kids should come first.  He says he understands that they are kids and they will grow out of this and he is an adult that can make his own decisions, and he loves me and I love him. 

What can I do in this situation?  His son isn't going to come over anymore, for now.  The ex has to be in our lives until the son is of age.  How do we set boundaries?  How can I gain some respect?

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Comments:

Bearsjen
Apr. 24, 2011 at 12:12 AM

Let me first say that what I write is in no way meant to hurt you or to judge, ok? Truly, I can feel your frustration in this hard situation...

That being said...He has kids.  This is a part of the deep love you fell for, with him-he is a dad.  He loves his kids, and you.  You say (and say he says) that they will grow up and move on, get over it, etc., but the truth is until they do-ya kinda have to make a choice here.  It's not about his ex, or you, or even him, but about the kids. And if you truly love this man, and his kids then you need to accept that this hurdle(and yep it's a biggie) is the first of many.

Because while he loves you all-would you feel the same for him if he suddenly disregarded what his kids said?  I don't think so.  Unless the kids are saying disrespectful things directly to you(and thats a whole new issue), it isn't about you. Give it time, space, and patience, and let it unfold. If you really are committed to this relationship-you can give that, right? Best of luck to you all. Blended families are never easy. :)

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Heath...
Apr. 24, 2011 at 12:27 AM you could try family counceling....there is also a nother group on here that is about parent aliention that might be a better help. i hope all goes well for you

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JazzyRN
Apr. 24, 2011 at 11:59 AM

I understand its not about me, but I am still hurt and scared.  I'm not going to do anything other than wait it out and take it one day at a time.  I am just looking for some support in this and advice, because it's a very difficult thing to deal with.  Thanks for your input :)

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Bearsjen
Apr. 24, 2011 at 5:38 PM

you're welcome honey, and I truly hope you did not take offence.

Relationships/kids/parenting...it's all really complicated. I get that, and wish you the very best.

blowing kisses

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