So...the CACO (casualty assistance call officer) came over. We went over more benefit paperwork, etc. It makes me feel more at ease that my family and I are going to be okay financially. I'm in the military as well, but I'm about to get out, and it's nice to know I won't have to worry about money at first. I can just get out and go to school.

Either way, he brings a box. A triangular box. I know what it's for...It's for the folded flag that was draped over my husband's coffin. I can hardly look at that flag without remembering everything. Remembering him in my car...blood everywhere. Suicide is an ugly thing. I remember seeing him, cleaned up, dressed up, in that coffin. I remember collapsing. Both of those events had me to my knees. 

I open the box and we look at the ceremonial flag holder. It's a wooden box...stained a mahogany hue. You open it and it has a place for all of his medals. In my mind I already see how it'll look...proudly contrasting against that red, white and blue.

I wait for the CACO to leave and then I just cry. I don't want a ceremonial box that holds that flag. I don't want to display his medals so his sons can be proud of the Daddy they hardly knew.

I want my husband. I want my kids to have a father. Not a flag. A daddy. And I feel heart broken and less angry, but upset nonetheless, that he took himself away from us. He took the father of my children away. I don't want that flag. I want the man back. 

Instead, I'm going to have to make Daddy books with pictures and stories...I'm going to have to display this box, so his sons can be proud. I'm going to have to keep his memory alive. That's all I can do. And my heart is so heavy...and I'm wondering when this hurt will all end. 

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Comments:

MamaH...
Apr. 25, 2011 at 5:23 PM

so sorry to hear about your husband- i dont know your story but my prayers go out to you and your children. I am very sorry for your loss and i can't even begin to imagine the terror and pain you have and are going through.

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encmommy
Apr. 25, 2011 at 8:08 PM

I am so sorry for what you and your boys are going through. I pray for peace for you and yours during this difficult time. I pray that God sends you an angel to help you through this terrible time. I will keep you in my prayers Mama. Once again, I am so so sorry!!

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daisyb
Apr. 25, 2011 at 9:57 PM

I am So Sorry that you & your little boys are going through this Horrifying Time.......

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Vinta...
Apr. 25, 2011 at 11:45 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss :( Please know I am here if you need to talk.

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sunmo...
Apr. 26, 2011 at 12:09 AM I am so sorry for your loss, and for your children too. I wish I had something profound to say that would make you feel better:(. Take care of yourself, and hug your babies. (((hugs)))

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MumsT...
Apr. 26, 2011 at 12:47 AM

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Just thought that you might want to know -if you want to make some photo books for each of your kids with descriptions of what he was doing already printed in the book- and have it be saved where you can reorder in case of damage/loss you can order them on Shutterfly. My sister will be doing that for her kids. We lost my BIL a month ago (hospital error) and their kids are 6 & 8.

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H.I.S.
Apr. 26, 2011 at 1:22 AM

im sorry

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Cassi...
Apr. 26, 2011 at 7:45 AM

I am so sorry for you and your family. I can not imagine what you are going through. I hope with time the pain becomes a little more bearable.

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NookB...
Apr. 26, 2011 at 9:22 AM

I am so sorry, **hugs**

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Luvmy...
Apr. 26, 2011 at 11:02 AM

There are really no words. I am so sorry and I pray that you will eventually find peace.

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