According to some handouts a friend gave me on self esteem and stress, I'm suppose to try to put in on paper what's bothering me. So here it goes. My list of things bothering me right now.......

1. No stable money coming in. For 2 years it's been job after job for my husband. He either gets laid off, or quits for good reason's but it's hard to budget and do things when you never know what's coming in and when.

2. I'm not working, I have a hard time keeping jobs - I am going back to school in September and a little worried about that. Will I be able to handle it?

3. Overwhelming bills to pay, catch up, and nsf's

4. Oweing my mom money

5. Donnie moving back in with us, trying to help him with his depression yet get him to help himself. He's also suppose to go to welfare and get money from them,but he just wants to wait til they come to him. Doesn't work that way.

6. Won't have enough volunteer hours in time for my facuilty meeting in early May

7. Getting accepted in to college and getting funding from the Metis Society

8. My husband not feeling well. I'm sure he has a ulcer. Doesn't take care of himself.

9. Mom & Dad's health. Both are almost at the end of their lives

10. Jackie & Jody both being very ill

11. Hernia surgery coming up

12. My eating and exercise habits

13. My depression and lack of energy is getting worse, am I bi polar?  Need to see a shrink but trying to find someone who deals with gastric bypass patients too.

Then there's all the trauma I've gone through.....fuck where do I start? Most people wouldn't believe that all this shit can happen to me.

I was raped by my dad starting at age 12-18, and molested much earlier then that. I used to think I had a red X on my foreward that says "abuse me" because 5 other guys did it too.

My first marriage was a compleate joke. Two stupid kids trying to play house. He cheated on my constantly, and then would dissapear. He actually abadonned my son and I when DS was six months old. Like a fool, I followed him and tried to work things out.

I then got into some major parting, drinking, men, and drugs. Almost thought of becoming a escort but couldn't cross that line.

Ended up in a abusive relationship where he would hold me against my will. He drank alot, and one time gave me a black eye. I then met the kids dad. He was a good guy, but I was out of control. Alot of flashbacks and rage from my abuse and it was coming out and being directed to him. I used to beat him and really treated him like crap. He didn't deserve that.

When my DD was 30 days old, we were accused of sexually molesting her. Long story short they coudn't say that yes she was molested, just that they thought she may have been. We had to do lie detectors to prove our innocence. Then when she was 5, we found out her brother who was 14 was touching her. He got sent to live with his grandparents.

Six months later, my DH and I broke up, I left him for DH that I met and fell in love within ten days. We've been together nine wonderful years and I love him with all of my heart and soul.

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Comments:

anich...
Apr. 25, 2011 at 9:16 PM

WOW,Not an easy life I'd say!  Hey look at the bright side, you have a man that you adore and I'm guessing he feels the same way. there's so many people out there that never feel that and would give anything to! We all do stupid things in our early years but it sounds like your your atleast recognizing what you need to do, you just got some more work to do. Good luck to ya, keep that chin up!!!

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Magno...
Apr. 25, 2011 at 9:18 PM Hmm don't know where to start. I think writing this down is a great start. How did you feel after writing it? Start with crossing off things you are unable to control, such as someone else's health. Be there for moral support when and if you can. Focus yourself first, eat healthier, find time to exercise, do something that you like just because it makes you happy, see if you can't find someone to talk to, etc. If you need an ear Im me if you want. Best of luck.

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