So I can't sleep.  I found out I was pregnant not too long ago.  Well, actually my husband found out I was pregnant because apparently he is better at keeping track of my period than I am.  It reminds me of the time before we got married and he said, "I have horrible news."  I panicked for a second and blurted out, "Oh my God, am I pregnant or something!"  He laughed and said he had to go out of town for four days but that he had an "eye on that whole thing."  But last month he knew I was pregnant before I knew and after we found out I was pregnant, we learned I was having twins.  And for days we floated on a cloud of anxiety and worry over finances and college tuitions and breastfeeding.  And then they were gone.  I was putting Jaylee down for her nap while Dad was lurking through the house playing with Hubby's tools, and I felt a gush of grossness stream down my legs, just as I left Jaylee's room.  I was highly confused by this and ran to the bathroom, pulled down my jeans, and saw blood running down my legs.  I called for Dad and he came running, barging into the bathroom door, even though it was shut.

"I didn't want you to come in here!" I screamed, "Just call mom!'

"What has happened to you!" he screamed, as he ignored my attempts to shoo him out and got to work making towels into diapers, "I believe you are probably losing the babies," Dad said, "we need to get you to a hospital immediately."  He forced me to stand up while wrapping towels around my bleeding parts and said, "I am not a doctor and have no idea what to do."  I was crouched on the toilet with towels as diapers and Dad was on his knees right in front of the toilet,

He pulled out his new iPhone and called 911.

"Daddy, no!" I said, "We can just drive to the hospital.  Stop it."

"Behave," he said, "I will handle this."

"I'm being have!" I screamed, angry that I was thirty years old, having my dad handle me like a little child.

"Hello, 911 specialist.  My name is ____________ and I am 100% positive that my daughter is in grave danger.  This is an emergency and I am expecting professionals at her door in no less than one minute. "  As the operator was telling Dad that it would take about ten minutes for an ambulance to arrive, Dad yelled, "This is America dammit!  I pay you people taxes for this kind of shit!"

He proceeded to explain that I was in "labor" (no more than nine weeks pregnant) and I finally took the phone from him and said to the operator, "ma'am, I am nine weeks pregnant and bleeding and am going to the hospital now.  That was my dad and he's just scared.  We are on our way now to the hospital."

The operator said she would have to send an officer to my house since a 911 call was placed and I let her know who my husband was (he's a cop and this is a small town) and she knew who I was right away.  She said she still had to send an officer over for protocol and I let her know I wouldn't be there.

I stood up to go to my car and Dad put his hands on my shoulders and forced me back down onto the toilet.

"I'll carry you and you don't be a jackass," he said.

"I want Mom," I told him, "you stay with Jaylee.  I want Mom to go with me."

He pulled out his phone again and called Mom and said, "Mamma, get over here, Jaimee has done miscarried the babies."  Mom and Dad live one block away from me.

He hung up and I gaped at him.

"You don't know that!" I screamed, as he picked me up, "don't you say things like that to Mommy!  Put me down! Let me go!  I want to go with Mom!"

"You stop that before you wake up the baby," he said, as he carried me from the master bathroom, down the hall, and out the front door to his truck.  Mom was just pulling up as he threw me in.  She ran up to the truck and crossed me.

"I'm taking her to the hospital," Dad said, "you go in and look after the baby."

"Daddy, I am her mamma and I will take her," mom said.  Dad immediately backed down.

"I love you, darlin'" he said to me as Mom took his keys, "you call me."

Mom and I drove to the hospital and I told the clerk at the ER station what was going on.  We called my OB/GYN and she came soon after.  I was bleeding so heavily the entire time.  When they did an ultrasound, we saw that there were no longer two tiny little babies in me.  I had passed them.

"Where are they!" I screamed to my doctor.

"Hush mi hija," Mom said as she crossed me, "the babies are with the Lord."

I lied there, furious, bawling, angry that Hubby was off somewhere dealing with dumb criminals.  I was told there was nothing more to be done and that it appeared everything had passed but to come in a week later for an ultrasound. 

When Mom and I got home, Daddy was pacing on the front doorstep and Hubby was sitting in the portch swing.  Dad charged the car and opened my side of the door before the car even stopped completely.

"What has happened to you?" he yelled.  Hubby was right behind him.

"Daddy, I lost them," I said as I stepped out of the car and fell into Hubby's arms.  Hubby walked me into the house while Mom and Dad talked.  I sat on the couch and told my husband what had happened and he buried his face in his hands and shook his head.

"I'm sorry, baby," he said, "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"I love you," I told him, "you have your job.  It happened so quickly; there was nothing anyone could do."

Mom and Dad came in shortly and Dad sat on the arm of the couch next to me and rubbed stroked my hair.

"There is nothing sadder than what has happened," he said, "and I am sorry.  I wish there was something I could do to make this never have happened."  He turned to Hubby and said, "do you mind if Mamma and I stay in the guest room tonight?  I can't just leave my baby girl like this."

My husband nodded, knowing how my parents are.  Everyone went to bed and I stayed up, just sitting there, wondering how I could be so sad over something that I barely even knew about.  I went over all the scientific details in my head:  they were just embryos.  There was probably something horrifyingly wrong with them which is why they couldn't survive.

The next day, Dad barged into my room with a breakfast that he presented to me on a cookie sheet.

"Eat this," he said, "You need to be strong.  Eat it all too."

Dad tried to eyeball me as I ate but Hubby told him to leave me alone.  Dad shrugged and went to tend to Jaylee and I told Hubby to get rid of Dad's silly breakfast platter and covered myself under the blankets.  Mom came in shortly after and shooed Hubby out and told my dad to leave me alone.

"I will let you grieve for one day," she said, "and after that, we are going to El Dorado, just me and you.  Do you want me to grieve with you?"

"No Mom," I said, "just leave me alone."  I hid under the covers for a couple of hours before deciding to go play with Jaylee.  As soon as I emerged from the living room, my dad basically tackled me onto the couch and said, "no walking.  You rest.  You need to recuperate."

"That's enough, Dad," Hubby said and told Dad to go help him build some man thing in the garage.  Mom and Jaylee and I sat on the couch and watched cartoons.  The rest of the day my husband tried to keep my good intentioned while overbearing dad out of my hair.  At dinner that night, Dad said, "I believe this trip with Mamma will do you well." He turned to Mom and said, "often times, these types of things make people insane.  You watch her behavior to insure she doesn't become depressed."

Mom blew him off with a wave of the hand, took my hand and said, "we will be just fine won't we baby?"

That night in bed, my husband said, "Baby, I can't believe they were here and then just gone.  I just feel so guilty I wasn't there with you."

"You would have been there if you could," I told him, "it's not like you had a choice and chose not to be there.  You were at your job and didn't know.  I feel terrible for leaving you but Mom says she got really depressed after her miscarriage before I was born and she said that going out of town for a week will help ward that off for me.  Will you be OK?"

"Baby, I think Mom is right and I'm fine.  I just hate that you went through that without me.  It was my job to be there."

"It was your job to be at your job, which is where you were.  I love you."

The next day when we left, my husband gave me a huge hug and promised everything would be fine at home.  Dad got all teary eyed and asked Mom if he could go to, "to ensure her safety."

Mom said she had everything under control and I assured Dad that I was thirty years old and capable of surviving.  My husband hugged me again and murmured, "baby, please have a good time and relax.  And call me.  I love you so much."  We weren't gone ten minutes when Dad called my phone.

"How are you?" he asked, "how is your mentality?"

"Daddy, I'm fine," I said and then Mom took the phone to me, while driving.

"Daddy, leave her alone.  If she becomes depressed I will let you know.  You are driving her loco."

She hung up without letting him respond.

"He's so annoying," I said, "I am thirty years old Mom, and he treats me like I'm a child."

"Baby, you will always be his child.  Be thankful you have a papa who loves you so much.  Many girls do not have such an annoying, loving papa.  Daddy is scared to death by this and he is worried about you.  Just be thankful mi hija.  You should be so thankful."

So Mom and I went on our trip, came back, and life got back to normal.  And still, I'm up at night, dwelling on the babies I lost and crying after my husband goes to bed.  I guess I don't really know what to do except go on and be thankful I have my parents and my husband and my sisters and my beautiful daughter.  That's all you can do, right?    

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Comments:

momof...
Apr. 26, 2011 at 6:08 AM

There is so much sadness, yet so much beauty in your story.  I am so sorry this happened to you.  Rejoice that you have such loving family.  They will help you get through this in time. 

You are lucky to have such a loving father.  Mine would have asked me what the big deal was and told me I should be at work.

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karis...
Apr. 26, 2011 at 8:15 PM

The fact that you are blessed with a loving family and healthy child doesn't mean that you don't get to mourn or be sad. Grief is different for everyone and hormones are sometimes crazy after a miscarriage. Grieve for your little ones in your own way and keep an eye on yourself. If you are numb, unhappy, or unable to do daily tasks for an extended period of time, then you are depressed and should talk to someone about counseling or medication. If you are grieving but able to feel and do daily tasks just hang in there. It sounds like you have a great support system. Leaning on them will make them feel useful and you feel loved... God bless you and keep you during this time...

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rojas...
Apr. 26, 2011 at 9:49 PM

It is wonderful that you have the support of such a loving family during this sad time. I am so sorry for your loss.

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twinluv
Apr. 27, 2011 at 9:42 AM

So sorry for your loss.  You have a wonderful, supportive family.  hugs

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