Hello Everyone,

My name is April. When I was 23, my geyno told me that the chances of me conceiving naturally would be about 1 in a million. I have a hormone problem and don't produce the proper hormones to make my eggs viable. I have always wanted children, and so when I found out, I was devistated.

Flash forward to the year 2011, age 30. In February I missed my period. I have an irregular pattern, but don't usually miss a period, so I thought I would just take a test. I have taken tests before out of desprate hope, but they always came back negative. This one was different. This one had two lines.... I had never gotten two lines before. To be sure I ran out and got a second test with a digital read out. This one said PREGNANT! I was so happy! I called my two sisters, my mom and dad and drove to my husband's work to show him the results. I started the prenatials, stop drinking coffee, refused to pick up anything over five pounds. I made my ob appointment right away. According to my first visit, the drs said I was about 6 weeks along, and they made an appointment for our first ultrasound two weeks from then. I was so excited! I had a little miricale growing inside me, something I had never thought would happen.

We went in for our first ultrasound super excited. We were going to hear the heartbeat, and see our baby. The picture on the monitor didn't look like a baby at eight weeks to me. There were no defined bones, or structure yet. It was just a little blob on the screen. The the tech told us that the baby wasn't as developed as it should be. The dr came in and said that they could just be mistaken on the timeline, and that they baby might just be younger then we originally thought. And so we took blood tests and waited another 2 weeks to see if there was any change. The next appointment, baby hadn't grown at all and there was still no heartbeat. That's when they told us the baby had died. It wasn't going to make it. I was in denial. I couldn't belive it. I wasn't spotting, there was no cramping. Why was the baby still sitting comfortably in my womb if it was dead? They must be wrong. Another week went by without any change. We went back to the OB to see if they could be wrong. Another ultrasound, with no growth and no heartbeat. We scheduled the D&C for two days later.

Since my D&C, (March 25, 2011) I have been sad, angery, depressed, and resentful. I feel all these emotions, sometimes all at once, sometimes one at a time. I don't want to see people, but I know that I mustn't lock myself away in a dark room like I want to. The pain I feel is so harsh, and real, but surreal at the same time. I never thought I would be pregnant, so the joy I felt was unbaounded. With the mc, I felt a pain and loss like no other.  Now it feels like a cruel joke someone played on me. A horrible teaser, that gave me just a small taste of something I have longed for, for over 7 years. And what's worse is, I don't know that I will be able to get pregnant ever again....

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Apr. 29, 2011 at 10:08 PM

I know my sorry can't console you, but my heart goes out to you and your husband, both my children are miracles, so I know how hopeful u were, but from someone who has two miracels, believe they do happen, don't give up, it will happen, and there are plenty of children who would love you to be their mommy if u would have them

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Apr. 30, 2011 at 12:25 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. ~big hugs~ You know I'm here for you, and the other ladies in our group as well.

Never give up. <3

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May. 2, 2011 at 12:31 AM

Thanks Rue! You've been amazing!

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May. 2, 2011 at 3:39 AM

Thanks Kennywoodsmom. It helps to know that there are other who understand. My husband and I have considered adoption, but the cost keeps us from really doing it. We keep saying that we will look into it more when we have another house and less bills....

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