No matter how hard you try?

I really dislike my mother. Growing up as the oldest of 3 for some reason I was always treated like crap. She used to beat the crap out of me. She kicked me out starting at 14, and I kept coming back.
I didn't have my dad long... The last time I saw my dad, was when he broke in and "stole" mom called thr cops and they took us down on the boardwalk, causing my arm to break. I was 3. I remember it like It was yesterday. And as I sit here crying, i just reminded myself the last time I saw him. It was that night, being taken away in handcuffs. He died in prison. My mom won't tell me how. I remember her telling me when I was 8. She knew for 6 months and didn't want to tell us. I took it so hard. I'm 25 years old and I still can't shake my dad being gone. I loved him so much. Even only having him for 3 years. 
When I was 6, my mom met this guy. He seemed nice. But I never accepted him. He was t my dad and I'd never let him be one to me. When I was 6, he started molesting me. For some reason, I never told my mom. I was scared to tell her. I didn't want her feeling like I'm trying to destroy her relationship. Truth is I did hate him. But I kept my mouth shut until I was 17. He did it for 11 years before I said something. 
I was in the shower and he knocked and he wouldn't stop. So I threw a towel round me, opened the door, and he handed me 4 $100 bills and tried walking in. When I slammed the door in his face, he said "if I'm getting nothing give me my money back"
I slipped it under the door, finished showering Amd called my friend holly to come get me. I called my mom while I was in the car with holly and told her. We saw my mom passing on the street, she was going home to see what's up.
When I got home that night my bags were packed and she was kicking me out. She told me I was a liar. 
I left. I rather be safe than there. 
When I was 20 years old I got really drunk and my mom Sid I could stay the night. So fell asleep on the couch... I woke up to hot breath Nd a hand going up my thigh and up my shirt. I screamed. My mom came running out. 
Yelled at him. And I walked out. I slept on a park bench that night. Bu I sat up crying for 2 hours. 
This really hurts to talk about. But I've been thinking about all this shit with my mom lately. 

Anyway... 2 years pass and I hit some hard times and ask to come home... I had to put a sliding lock on the inside of my bedroom door for safety. And if I wasn't there I'd have to padlock my door. Sad huh? 
Sooooo I got pregnant in 2007 (bout 6 months after I moved home) 
My grandfather died march of 07 ..... It was like losing my second father... It hit me 1000000 tomes harder. 

I'm all over the place sorry. All this flooding my head and I'm just kinda hysterical right now. 

Anyway... January of 2008 I told my mom I was going to the police I'm tired of this shit.

I finally grew balls. They got a warrant FAST they had us leave the house a d they raided while my step douche was home. They found every drug imaginable, paraphernalia, weapons, child porn, spy cams, sex toys, etc.

No the cams were never set up.
My bf (now ex) went to my house and went into his room and saw all this shit. It was sickening. There was a picture of my little sister with her mouth wide open. I wamted to kill him.
We had to go to court and I come to find out it was happening to my mom too. They were legally separated living under the same roof but different rooms. So he was creepin on my mom too.
For some reason he never tried anything with my sister (unless she never came clean) and my little brother (who is biologically his) was never harmed too bad. 

He wound up going to prison. And was released last year. There are permanent restraining orders on him with me and my sister. I saw him on my brothers fb and wanted to vomit. 

Anyway. Bf and I moved to NC in sept 2008.... Amd moved back feb 2009. We stayed with my mom til we could get a place. (I suffered a severe panic attack in NC which scared me into moving back to nj) 
My mom and bf fought all the time. My mom watched Ds one night but I came home and found her drunk Amd passed out Amd my Ds on a cold tile floor screaming. 
What woke her up? Taking the beer can from her hand.
A month later my mom got wasted and decided to attack me... She pushed me Amd I fell backwards into my bed frame cutting open my back. I was holding Ds.
She took Ds Amd ran.... And after I got up I went running after her and she tried swinging at me and kept pushing me away. I kept begging for my son back. I told her to give him back and I'll leave I'll never bother you again. She did. So, my best friend dianna came and got me and I slept on her floor for a few days. ( oh and she kicked bf out and he went back to his moms)
So we had to go through social services Amd get put up in a hotel (bash me idc I had to do it) and we only stayed for 2 months. Bf found a job and we were off PA.

Now... This is why I can't ever forgive my mom. 
She blames me for our shitty relationship.

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Apr. 30, 2011 at 2:09 PM

Wow thats horrible. Your mom should have been your protector and been there for you. God bless you for being able to get yourself on track. I dont blame you for anything that you've said. You had to do what was best for you and your baby.

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