I see my husband in my children, but mostly in Mister's face. My first born, four years old now, he has his face. His eyes are super dark, unlike mine or my husband's, but the rest of his face is my husband's. I remember seeing him for the first time and thinking how much, even at minutes old, he looked like his father. I love his face, always curious, always smiling, always taking in so much. He's a goofball and definitely a sensitive one. Again...like his father. He even has the obnoxious laugh. lol It always makes me smile. Sometimes it makes me tear up.

Bear is more of a reflection of me. He's a husky little guy, hence why his nickname is Bear. He has more of my face and spunkiness. 

I get very angry sometimes at my husband. It's unfair. It's selfish. Or just sad. Or should I still be feeling guilty? Or maybe I should just feel bad for him. Or....what should I feel? I feel it all. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is on my chest and I can hardly breathe. Other times it feels like he's deployed or something. He can't really be gone. There's no way that this is real. 

But I would take twice that much pain if I could take away the effects on my children. They're young, yes. I have been told it's better this way than if they were older. I don't really know. Should that have offended me? It struck me as odd. Bear sometimes wanders the house looking for him. He calls out for Daddy. He asks where Daddy is. He's two, though, so what can I say? Daddy's not here, baby. Daddy's not here

Mister in the car today said, "Mommy? Where's Daddy?" He knows that Daddy died. He talks a lot about it sometimes. He tells his teachers at daycare. He talks about Daddy being in heaven. I think that perhaps he just wants to see if maybe today, if today could be the day that Daddy comes back.

"Mommy? Where's Daddy." I pause for a second, finish buckling his seat belt in the carseat. "Baby, Daddy is in heaven, remember?" He nods. "Oh, yes, I remember. He died." Then he looks at me. "Why, Mommy? Why did Daddy die?" I look at him. I say nothing. I close the door and get into the driver's seat.

He repeats himself, "Mommy? Why did Daddy die?"

And I am panicking. And my heart is breaking. How do I explain suicide to a four year old. I am not going to lie to my child. A lie right now means an explanation later. I know he will find out sooner or later that his father commited suicide. He will not turn 70 years old never knowing how his father died. Even if I don't tell him, someone else will. And let me tell you, I do not have the smartest of in laws, so I know it wouldn't be in the most graceful of ways. 

So what do I say? What do I do? 

He asks, "Did Daddy go away and get really old and die?" (I have explained to him that everyone dies. I told him that for Mommy and him and Bear, it will be a long, long time for us. We will eventually go to heaven and see Daddy, but not until we are much, much older.) 

I finally say, "No, baby. He didn't get old. Sometimes people die before they get old. He went to heaven early. But that doesn't mean everyone goes to heaven early. We have a long time to live. But one day we will see Daddy in heaven. Daddy will wait as long as he has to to see us again." 

Mister asks, "But why did he go early?"

I falter. I have no idea what to say. "I don't know, baby." 

And he changes the subject. 

I didn't think the "why" question would come up so quickly. The "how" is going to be the toughest to answer, I'm pretty sure. 

Now we're at home. We watched Brother Bear for the millionth time. It's almost normal. It's just...different. I'm wondering if it will always be different or will we reach a new normal. 

Why did my Daddy die? I don't know how to answer you, my beautiful son. I really don't. 

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Comments:

Cooki...
Apr. 30, 2011 at 9:12 PM

I am so, SO sorry for your loss.  I don't know you and I don't know your situation, I just happened upon this journal post and do know people quite close to me affected by the suicide of their dad. I think that maybe a child psychologist might have the answer, an age-appropriate answer.  Maybe your pediatrician might also be able to guide you.  You don't have to tell your child all of the details, nor should you .... right now.  That's why I think someone who either has experience in this or a professional opinion might be best.  There might be ways of approaching the subject with your child that will be easiest for him to understand at this age, and then of course as he gets older you'll need to be more direct.  Hope that makes sense.

Good luck.  And again, I am truly sorry.

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bree_...
May. 1, 2011 at 1:01 AM

cryingim sorry

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xnegr...
May. 1, 2011 at 9:57 AM

I'm really sorry for your loss.  I'm 28 and at age 2 I lost both of my parents.  I went through alot but that odd comment of "it's better now that if he was older" its true. It's less painful. I was raised by and uncle and aunt...and all I can tell you is to hold on to God. It is tough to do so in times like these but based on my own experience He is the only one that can help you keep it together and show you son the love of God the father.  Always tell your son how much you love him and how much daddy loved him. You are in my prayers.

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Colts...
May. 1, 2011 at 5:47 PM

:( I am so sorry for your loss. i can't imagine how difficult it must be. :(

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hill_...
May. 1, 2011 at 7:57 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband passed about 18 months ago when my first son was 16 mnths old and my second was unborn.  He passed from complications due to a disease he caught in Iraq.  My son walked all over the house looking for him.  It was the most heartbreaking thing ever.  i'd rather walk on nails than see him do that again.  They are both little carbon copies of him and it is a blessing and a curse at the same time.  I have no idea what to tell them when they ask.  you are a strong woman and you will figure this out.  Keep your head up and know that he will live on in his children.  There are great books that explain death to children.  If you join "The Widows Club" on here, Kate the group admin has some great recommendations for books for children.

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momof...
May. 1, 2011 at 9:08 PM

I have been seen your journals since this tragedy and I wish I had some wise words to help you make it through the day. You are in my nightly prayers.

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rose2...
May. 1, 2011 at 10:41 PM

I am sorry for your loss!

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babyn...
May. 2, 2011 at 2:19 AM

I am so very sorry. My kids are the same age as yours. I don't know what I would do. Hugs to you.

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jessi...
May. 28, 2011 at 10:18 AM

I stumbled upon your post through google. I only used this site while I was pregnant last year,and I just don't use it any longer. But after reading your post...the tears started falling. My son is 5yrs old, he will be 6 this year. His daddy committed suicide May 1, 2011. And it was the hardest thing I will ever face. We happened to pull up shortly after he had done it. My son was in the car with me. His house was taped off and part of the block. I knew...I knew. His bestfriend was on the sidewalk and I ran up to him and asked him what happened. And he cried to me telling me he was gone. I didn't believe him...I started screaming and asked a police officer...he confirmed the nightmare. I broke down screaming and crying... Jamison was around the corner where he couldn't see anything. My other children and Fiance were in the car with him...it was raining and cold. I lost it. After they took down the tape and took him away we were allowed back in the house. His family was there and I asked his Aunt what do I do?? We agreed to tell him right then and there, I went and got him and brought him back to the house. We told him. We told him his daddy was angel up in heaven. He instantly knew. But he did not cry. We told him Daddy was sick and it was his time to go. Daddy didn't tell us he was sick. He just didn't want us to know how sick he was. My son went to the viewing and funeral, all open casket. It was so hard. I have cried nonstop since this has happened. Jamison has not dropped one tear. His father was 24 yrs old. And was supposed to pick him up after church that day but didn't show...was at his tball game the day before...we didn't see it coming. And it's so hard. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your loss...it is very hard for us as mother's. Our children our strong thankfully!

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