rant on my dh =(

[sleepymamaof3]

I just need to write some where that dh won't read and no one in my family will. I'm tired of the depression. I am 27, and have a 5, 3 and 2 year old sons. We own a house that dh says I wanted too, but I didn't. I tried talking to him last night, and it lead to a fight. I said I didn't even see the house till after the owner was given the deposit and I met him and the appraser. DH saw it before that. I wanted the garage appartment because it was bigger but he said no (at the time we only had our oldest son). Well, everything was going fine till after my second son was born. I started getting depressed, but got pregnant pretty fast and was happy as can be. Well, after baby # 3 was born, I was getting depressed. It's hard to deal with all 3 boys. Understand, I do. I do everything that needs to get done, take care of everyone, act happy around my sons. But dh knows its different. I started a new med just over a week ago, klonopin, .5mg twice a day. Nothing so far. In therapy, doesn't seem to be helping.

I am so very unhappy, mainly to do with dh. I love him to death, and can't imagine not being with him. But he won't sell the house (which is a multifamily house). I understand not buying a one family house, which I want so bad, but it does not bring in any income so we will never own one. The garage appartment here, which his brother lives in, is a mini house, 2 floors, able to have 4 bedrooms. The apartment we live in has 2 small bedrooms. I tried talking to him about how I feel, but he just fought with me. We own a 02 Altima, and he says we are going to sell it and by an 00 maxima, something much cheaper, bc we don't need the car that cost too much (selling a 4500 $ car for a 2000 $ car). I love this car. so excited to have it, and now he's going to sell it, and I'm supposed to just be all smiles. 

The doctors say that I just have ppd, but it's not going away. MY youngest son is almost 2. 

We have no life, no one to babysit the boys so we never get to go out and spend time alone. He works a ton (I return to work next week) and since there is no one to watch the boys, I have to take all of them food shopping, clothes shopping, to run any and all errands. This isn't dh's fault, but we have no time alone together and I have no time alone. And there is no way to change it. If we ever get someone who will babysit, they want only 1 or 2 of the boys, they don't want to take all 3, even if I guarentee that the littlest one, if not both of the smallest ones are asleep. 

DH said to me last night, when I am fine, I'm the greatest person, the best wife, etc. But when I get down, which is most of the time lately, he might just do what he keeps thinking about, which is walk out the door and not come back. And that if he knew this was how I was going to be at some point, he never would have married me. 

[NannyB.]

May. 3, 2011 at 11:33 AM

You are angry, and anger turned inward equals depression.  Been there and done that.  And when all you look at is the negative, you cannot help but feel negative.  I can relate to where you are, but I can also tell you that things could be a whole lot worse.  The only person who can make you feel better is yourself.  Happiness is a choice.  It really, really is!  If I were where you are today, I would get out pencil and paper and start making a list of the good things that are a part of your life.  Then I would concentrate on being thankful for what I have and stop thinking about all I don't have that I think would make me happy.  The truth is that they won't!  As I said, been there and done that so can speak with some degree of authority on this subject.