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The heart break of exculsively pumping
- May 3, 2011 at 12:34 PM
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- Comments (29) Total Views (1620) Everyone can see this journal post.
It has taken until now to really feel able to write about the situation with my second born son. He just turned 4 months old and has never had a drop of formula - my goal like many other mothers is that he should NEVER have any.
With my first he took to the boob straight away - with just a little coax by the time he was a day old he was nursing like a champ and we had a very successful nursing relationship. While I was pregnant with my second I had dreams of having that same relationship, boy did reality have a wake up call for me.
William was born Dec 28th 2010 - a happy healthy 7lb 14oz - he is and always has been the happiest baby who just wants to be loved. He was born via repeat c-section and was able to stay with me through the entire process. I was anxious to start nursing him and our first attempt in the recovery room didn't go so well.
The nurses reassured me that he was just tired from the birth and he would get it soon and keep trying. So I kept trying, and trying and trying... I asked for help from the Lactation Consultant, I asked for help from the nurses and I asked for help from friends. I was NOT this mother - I knew how to breastfeed - I had milk - I had boobs - I had baby - lets go... William, however did not know how to breastfed.
He struggled each and every feeding - his weight dropped from 7lb 14oz to 6lb 12ozs although still a happy baby those little fat rolls were disappearing before my eyes. I cried every time I tried to feed him and desperately searched for answers as to why he didn't seem to be able to do this.
He would seem to get on the boob for a couple minutes then fall asleep and iniatally we thought that was his problem - he was just tired. I knew it felt different and something else wasn't right though. I was desperate for him to have just one good nursing session - JUST ONE to prove to me that he could do it. It never happened.
After 10 days of this - supplementing using a syringe - 3 lactation consultants - a pediatrician - an ENT and many, many, many tears we knew he was tongue tied - we knew he had a long palate and we knew he had a high palate. The reason he fell asleep after minutes was because it took him so much work just to get a little to stave off the hunger. He wasn't gaining weight and thriving he was getting the minimum to survive.
It was with a very heavy heart that I decided to give him a bottle. I was pumping anyway to supplement for him. The Dr had basically told me in no uncertain terms that he needed 2 ounces every 2 hours, he needed to gain weight, he needed to EAT.
The priorities became
FEED THE BABY
That was the first and most obvious priority - to make sure he was getting enough.
PROTECT THE SUPPLY
As long as I was making milk he would get it - but I needed to protect and build my milk supply.
REMAIN SANE
I was crying at each and every feed - instead of snuggling with my baby and feeling his warm body in my arms as he relaxed and fell asleep happy content and full - each and every feeding left us both in tears. As crazy as it sounds exclusively pumping kept me sane. Even though it was a bottle he was finally content and full and started gaining weight.
I still have not made peace with exclusively pumping - and I am not sure I ever will. I miss the ease of being able to "whip my boob out" and feed my baby. I resent the plastic that sits between us as I feed him from a bottle. I look in envy at those around me who seem to nurse with such ease and comfort - although I am sure they envy my freedom to give a bottle I would happily and willingly swap places with them.
I don't think that nursing mothers understand what it is like to realize what it is like to NOT be able to nurse your baby. They take the relationship for granted. The inability to nurse my child feels like a failure on my part even though logically I know it is not I can't help but question if I should have fought harder - if I just gave up.
What some people don't understand is why nursing is so important.
The goal with this baby was two years and no formula - with exclusively pumping that is almost impossible. We will be lucky to make it to a year - every month is a bonus and an accomplishment and anything past a year is almost unheard of. Not impossible but almost unheard of.
There is nothing like a baby to get your body to produce milk - the pump can get the milk out but the baby tells your body to make it. When you remove the baby your supply goes into free fall. Yes you can "trick" it into making more - you can take herbs - you can power pump - but essentially when you are pumping you are fighting to maintain your supply - there is no cheating. No missing pumps. No sleeping through a pump because once your supply starts to fall there is no baby to rebuild it.
To start with I pumped every two hours - day and night - the alarm went off on my phone and I spent 20 minutes hooked up to a pump. At 6 weeks I started to space it out to 3 hours. Now at four months I pump 8 times a day - I do have a stretch at night when I sleep. But come rain or shine - whether I am at home or out I have to pump. I pump in the car as my husband is driving - I leave parties and find a quite place to pump - I sit alone upstairs at my inlaws while someone else holds and feed my baby. My baby that should be cuddling with me as I feed him. I have to hand him over to someone else so that I can ensure he gets what he needs.
My pump is my co-pilot - we have a love hate relationship - I love this thing because it allows me to give my son the best and what he deserves. I hate it because I am a slave to it. When the pump calls I have to drop everything to reply. That is the only way to be successful and meet our goal. I have to keep spare parts, spare batteries, even a spare pump. If my nipples hurt I don't get a break.
I have to make sure I have enough milk every where we go - if we run out I can't just nurse him - or go buy some formula - I have to sit there and squeeze it out drop by drop for 20 minutes.
I used to joke that I was too lazy to formula feed - I didn't have the patience to wash and prep bottles. I now not only have the bottles - but the pumping parts - and pumping bottles. Half my dish washer is taken up with plastic every day.
I obsess over every ounce - I know exactly how much I pump - how much he eats - how much a freeze. If I don't hit the numbers I want one day then the next three days I power pump morning and evening to try and stave off the drop in supply.
The cold hard truth of the matter is though that it is unlikely we will make it a year - I will have to start using my freezer stash and as much as my husband complains about the milk taking over our freezer we will run through it way faster than I want too. I panic at the thought that we will run out before I am ready.
I do not understand how or why anyone would choose this, for me this is a nessicary evil, something I have to do in order to do the right thing for my son. I think I will always mourn the loss of our nursing relationship. I constantly worry about how the bottle is effecting him - I read and know the information on why nursing is so important and it breaks my heart that I can't give that to this child. Even though I know he is getting all of mamas goodness it is a very, very distant second best.
Comments:
It is time consuming and double work... It's exhausting and I don't know how exclusively pumping moms do it!
Hugs!
Melissa we have had his tongue clipped - but combined with the shape of his mouth it wasnt enough to solve the issues we have. We have very recently discovered that they didn't clip it enough either :(
I know how you feel. I did it with Trin. You rock and while he isnt "nursing", he still getting the best and you are truly doing all you can for him. ((HUGS)) Love you girl
i had to exclusively pump for my 2nd child also and i made it till 16 months! I know exactly how you feel. At least she was getting breastmilk is what i kept telling myself and its what kept me going. I just had my 3rd baby and i dont ever want to see my pump again!
You kick ass! Not many moms would keep going the way you have. Your children are truly lucky indeed!
I know exactly how you feel. Apparently, or so they tell me, I am one of the few who doesn't have enough glandular tissue. I don't engorge. My daughter didn't gain any weight while I was nursing. My son becamse dehydrated and lethargic while I was nursing. I still nursed, but I ended up having to supplement and I HATED it. They say breastfeeders get heat in public, but everywhere I went I felt like people were staring at my son taking his bottle and wondering why his good for nothing mother wasn't breastfeeding. I hated having to explain every time someone would ask about the issues I was having, and then hearing ten rebuttals on things I could have (and did) try.
Keep your head high mama.
I think you are an amazing mother! You have completely sacrificed for the better good of your son!
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