I still have two years before luke goes to school, i mean hes not even 2 quite yet.  But as a mother of a diabetic i couldnt help myself.  I went to my middle sons pre-school round up on friday.  after they did thier little speech i had to ask the nurse how they handle diabetics.  we live in a small town and i knew it had most likely been years since they had a diabetic and i was right.  we would train his teacher, the office staff and one other staff member.  THe janitor is an EMT.  that made me feel a little better. I still have to write down all their foods and figure out carb counts for him.  I have to trust that everything goes well while hes there and they can learn to read him. 

I hate Diabetes, we live with it because we have no choice.  I dont think its fair to my baby or to me.  I shouldnt have to limit his foods, tell him no you cant have that fod, no you cant eat now it hasnt been long enough, no you cant have more, you have to eat now even if you arnt hungry.  We shouldnt have to worry every time he catches a cold or spend days at a time in the hospital because of a virus that most kids wouldnt notice they have.  I know he will grow out of his brittle period and things will bet better but does that make it any easier now?  HELL NO!  My baby shouldnt have to get poked with needles 8-20 times a day for shots and blood sugar checks.  How do you explain to your 21 month old child that mommy has to poke you again I am sorry.  How does it get easier to stick a needle in my child and watch him flinch everytime even though hes been doing it for 8 months now.  do you know what it feels like and what goes through my head every single time i have to stick a needle in my child? Hes good about it he hands me his finger for checks and lets me do it but he flinches every time.  ITS NOT FAIR I SHOULDNT HAVE TO DO IT TO HIM.   when he gets older he should be able to go to friends house whenever he wants and play how he wants but he cant unless i am able to teach those parents how to care for him. 

Counting carbs, teling him no you cant eat now or you cant have that, sticking needles in him 8-20 times A DAY, watching to be sure he feels 100% every day and be on phones with docs when hes not,  being extra causious about who cares for him, and watching activity levels and adjusting shots and checks isnt a bad dream for us its a matter of LIFE AND DEATH for my son.  if i dont do this everyday and night my son will die!  do you know what kind of pressure that puts on a person.   I do it for my son because i love him and i need him around, even though i hate it.  i dont hate the extra work it causes for me, i hate what it does to him.  If i could give him my pancreas and make him "normal" i would in a heartbeat.  there is nothing i would have to think about, just give it to him. I would live with diabetes for the rest of my life just to save him from going through it one more day.

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