Fistandantalus's Journal

I'm FUNNY, Darnitall!

On April 7th, 2011, I had dinner with my family and then went into the bedroom to lie down and watch my stupid cop show.  I sat down on the bed and felt an odd "popping" sensation followed by a fluid-y feeling.

Come ON!  Who goes into labor on their due date?  I figured I'd be safe today at least! You know it's your third kid when your water breaks and your primary concern is missing "The Police Women Of Broward County".

So, we packed the free-standing children off to Grandma's, grabbed my bag and commenced the 45-minute drive to the hopsital, where I was whisked up to L&D Triage and told I was indeed in labor and dilated 5cm.  The triage nurse asked us a bunch of questions including "Do either one of you have any STDs?"  "No, but I do have halitosis" quipped The Husband Person, which made the triage nurse laugh so hard, she immediately put us in the Mack Daddy Birthing Suite. 

Oh HELLS yeah, "Police Women of Broward County" is still on!  Suresuresure, hang the pitocin, just don't block the action, Detective Julie's on a prostitution sting...

An hour into my pitocin drip, I was having contractions, hating life and focusing intently on letting everyone know that.  They asked if I wanted an epidural.  Nope, been down this baby-having road before without one, just give me the Demerol and Phenergan and then I can focus again.  At this point, Husband Person chose to take an audio file of me bellowing at everyone, yet never forgetting to call anyone in scrubs "sir" or "ma'am".

By midnight, I was at 9cm and merrily screaming and pooping my way through the contractions.  By far and away, the most difficult aspect of that was remembering not to push yet.  My nurses, knowing that I a) was anxious to avoid a C-section and b) was a nurse myself, kept me focused on Not Pushing by reminding me that pushing too early would make it impossible to deliver vaginally.  Yeahyeahyeah, I heard it, I heard it, turn up the volume, "Broward County K-9" is coming on...

I hit the big 10cm and it was time to push, hooray!  Everybody kept telling me, "Oh here she comes, this is gonna be it!" and then being wrong about that.  Darnitall, if they ran Broward County Sherriff's Department this way, all the criminals would run free...

Why did I marry this Nordic giant?  His kids always have humongous planetoid noggins...OW!  DAMMIT!  You know that's not just gonna snap back afterwards...

And then, everyone was finally right. 

Calliope Marvel was born April 8th, 2011 at 2:08am, 8lb, 2oz. 

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May. 20, 2011 at 10:23 AM

Love the way you wrote this out!  Ha ha!  Congrats on the birth of Calliope!! 

I had to do a double take when you mentioned Broward.  I live in Broward!  We just discovered Police Women of Broward and love it too.  My husband has the hots for the assertive blond :-/

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May. 20, 2011 at 10:48 AM Go you! And welcome little Calliope. :-)

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May. 20, 2011 at 11:09 AM

This is hilarious! Congrats on your baby girl!

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May. 20, 2011 at 12:19 PM

Next time, I'm totally remembering that halitosis joke. 

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May. 20, 2011 at 12:31 PM

That was great, Liz. Congratulations!

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May. 20, 2011 at 2:52 PM

You = my hero.

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May. 20, 2011 at 9:15 PM


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May. 20, 2011 at 10:41 PM

Too funny. Love her name!!

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May. 20, 2011 at 11:26 PM

You can make even a birthing story funny.  Congrats, Liz.

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May. 20, 2011 at 11:35 PM

congrats on baby dear cousin was named Calliope, she passed away in Jan 10 at age 15. I am so happy to hear a new life with her name!

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