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I hate my life!
- May 21, 2011 at 1:34 AM
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- Comments (8) Total Views (616) Everyone can see this journal post.
I've been so depressed lately. I hate myself and my life. I have nothing going for me. I have a good job (but the pay sucks!) I live at home with my mom because I can't afford to get my own place. I get NO help what so ever from FOB. I'm lonely...single...no friends. Had a great guy but due to circumstances (long story) it didn't work out...feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life and he doesn't want me anymore. If it wasn't for my son I would do something stupid...but he needs me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to be happy...I can't think positive. I haven't been sleeping very well at all for the past month! My insurance went stupid and now I have to mail order my meds so it's gonna take a while to get them and right now I feel like I need them. I'm going to conceling but due to scheduling conflicts I haven't gone in the past three weeks. I wish I could just put on a happy face and fake it...fake it so bad that I start to believe I'm actually happy. But nope, instead I cry at night and in the bathroom at work. I hate myself....why can't I just die already?
Comments:
My insurance is the same way. I had my doctor change me to meds on Walmarts 4 dollar list.
I'm really sorry you're feeling like that. I think you really need to make your next counselling session. When I get to feeling like you are, talking to another human being usually sets me right for another couple weeks, drugs or no. If you can't talk to your counsellor, if you have a friend or a pastor or someone, just a few words can really help (still going off my situation, but I feel similar to you at times)
And your brain chemistry is messed up. That's why you can't think positive. Someone who is really and truly chemically depressed, like it sounds like you are, can NOT just "snap out of it" and act happy and make everything OK. Sometimes, circumstances change and things go right and we can get out for a while, but we have to beware when we're feeling bad and know it will improve and you will have another good time.
In the meanwhile, you probably know the drill. Exercise, no matter how. Get out into the sun, if there is any. Journal for yourself, if you don't have friends (I don't either, social anxiety, yay). The PPs idea of helping is a good one. I like to find people who are feeling bad and try to cheer them up... though helping the hungry etc can be great if you can do it. It all depends on where you are and what you can do.
Oh, and sending out resumes can help you feel like you're doing something to fix the problems, which usually makes me feel much better.
Good luck!
I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed. I hope you'll soon get your meds and be able to see your counselor...hang in there...things will get better!
This is just a season. It's a winter in your life. You will find a Spring again. Have you thought about finding a new job, going back to school, even transferring within the company you work at? I have to tell myself over and over again when things are tough that this is just a season. It's temporary. It WILL end. The depressed feelings, the moods I'm in they WILL go away. I can't depend on anyone else to make me happy, I have to find ways to be happy on my own. You will find happiness again. So repeat it until you're feeling a little better... this is just a season... this too shall pass...
Not to be a smart ass here, but perhaps you might take a second look at your life. You say you have nothing going for you. You have a good job. Do you know how many people would kill to have a good job? So the pay sucks. You have a job! You are living with your mother. Number one you have a place to live. Thousands of people who lost their jobs are facing homelessness right now. You also apparently have a parent who cares enough about you to let you live with her. There are a lot of us out here who don't have any family whatsoever. My mother died unexpectedly in her sleep from a lifetime of prescription drug abuse which left her no time at all to be a mother to me. Thirteen days after she died my step father shot and killed himself on the eve of her memorial service. A few years before that my 21 year old brother put a gun in his mouth and killed himself. Voila! No family. No one to help me if I ever get into a jam. No one to pick up the freaking phone and call when I am down. No family for the holidays. No family at all.
No relationship? You broke up with someone who was obviously not the right person for you. Would you rather be in a disfunctional, toxic relationship like so many people are? Then you would be unhappy, too. What kinds of things are you doing in your life to make new friends? Are you going out? Can you sign up for some small class or other through your Parks and Recs? Looked in the paper for clubs to join to meet people? Sometimes, instead of sitting at home bemoaning how bad things are, perhaps you might consider working to make things better.
You say you have nothing going for you??!! You have a child. If that is not the most important thing you have going for you then your priorities are skewed in a big way. Your child needs you. He looks to you to learn how to deal with life. If he sees you accepting depression instead of facing life head on and dealing then he is going to learn that when the going gets rough you just give up. Your child alone is worth grabbing your boot straps and pulling yourself up. Take it from someone who was left behind after suicide. It is not the answer. You will be leaving your child alone, hurt, angry and scarred for life. Is that the legacy you want to leave him? It is not fair to punish your child because you are suffering from depression.
Look, I understand that things get overwhelming. I understand that depression is a serious medical condition. But DO something about it! If things are really this bad right now then you need to call that counselor and tell them that you are feeling out of control and you need to be seen. If they can't see you then you need to find someone who can. Your life is in your control. Nothing is going to get better unless you stand up and fight for yourself! Find someone who can help you sort out your medication and who can see you. Get yourself involved with something positive. For YOU, not for a guy. You do not need a guy in your life to be fulfilled. When it is meant to happen it will. In the meantime you need to work on yourself so that you will be healthy for you, for your son and for your future relationship. If you don't get this under control you will never have a lasting relationship.
Take stock of your life and count your blessings. You have them. Make the changes that you need to make to make yourself happy. Show your child that you fight for yourself, not give up. You can do this, just start making baby steps. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking towards being in control. Good luck!
Azhlynne, can you tell me stuff like that everyday? You are right...I don't want my son to be like me.....
However, I look at him and I cry because he doesn't have a male figure in his life and I feel like it's my fault. I guess I just need to distract myself, stay busy to keep the bullshit off my mind. It will be HARD but I'll try...
NatesMommy118, it is because he doesn't have a strong male influence in his life that YOU have to really step up and be the guiding force in his life. He doesn't need a man in his life if that man is toxic or dysfunctional. If he watches his mother face life head on and overcome every storm that threatens him, he will grow up to be just as strong because of you. If he sees that you are everything to him, Mother, Father, teacher, helper and support, that is all he needs. YOU. To be the ONE constant, stable, guiding force in his life. You are all he needs. If you are strong HE will be strong. That doesn't mean you won't ever be overwhelmed. That is part of life, too and he should see that it is OK to cry and feel frightened once in awhile. That is a part of facing the world.
"OK, I'm out of my depth here right now. I am scared and sad. But you know what? I am going to keep going!"
He will see that it is OK to face the bad stuff, acknowledge it and then spit in it's eye! Maybe someday you will find the right person to share your lives. Hopefully this man will be a positive, strong role model for your son. But no matter what, it is YOU that he looks to and YOU who are the constant in his life. Teach him strength, NatesMommy118. He will conqueror the world if you do. Every day is a new day to try again. A fresh start. Good luck!!
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When i get down, i just keep telling myself this too shall pass.. nothing stays the same...
I had a good job.. A man ran a red-light and slammed into my car and totaled it. I lost my car, and my job.. My husband and myself was hurt and still have problems since the wreck...My husband and i can not find a job... we have put in applications everywhere... my bills are so far behind, my car payment is late, i haven't been able to pay my rent... the list goes on and on.. i choose how i feel... i lift my hands to the heavens from where my help comes from... I choose to praise God in this Storm.... Because i know this too shall pass... and when it does, i come out a better person!!! God Bless You!!!
- Briannas_mommy
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