Miscarriage: Not Handling it as Well as I Thought

[mamaxs4]

I had a miscarriage on March 9, 2011. I thought I was handling this better, but I'm not. I realized that I was having issues when I started wanting to just sleep all the time. I can't concentrate on small things and I'm not enjoying my kids like I used to.

My hubby doesn't realize I'm still hurting over this, my MIL thinks I'm "milking it". I feel like well, I shouldn't feel this way. It's a weird feeling of wanting to escape everything. I either want to sleep or read. I don't want to deal with anything and the weirdest thing of all...my sex drive seems to be a tad out of control. Is my body wanting to replace what it lost?  I know, may be that seems weird and all, but....may be it's true.

I have been experiencing phantom kicks, I hate those....I was supposed to be 6 months this month. It will have been 3 months tomorrow that I lost my baby and had to have a D&C. the whole thing was traumatizing.  I knew something wasn't quite right with this pregnancy. I spotted all the time a myriad of different shades of red.

I remember passing a huge clot the day before and I've often wondered if that wasn't the moment my baby died.  It all started early the next morning, I lifted my head off the pillow and felt a warm gush. I ran to the bathroom and I thought I was peeing, but I realized to my horror it was blood....a steady stream that wouldn't stop. After a few minutes, it did stop and I relaxed and grabbed a wash cloth to use as a pad. I got up and I felt a gush of clots and I ran back to the toilet and the stream of blood started again. I was panicking, I didn't know what to do. I was able to make it to the couch with towel shoved between my legs. I laid there for a while....my husband was there the whole time I don't mean to leave him out, he didn't know what to do either.   I called 911, and the EMT's were very, um, uncaring and didn't even bother to really check to see how much blood I was losing and didn't even treat me as an emergency.

I laid in the hospital for a while...my blood pressure dropped drasticly  75 over something, I don't remember.  I know it scared me, one minute that top number was 95 and the next it was 75 and the machine started beeping. My doctor finally got there and he realized right away that I needed a D&C and got me back in the OR.

When I was out of surgery all I felt was alone and empty and numb. All I wanted to do was go home, but I had to wait for my blood pressure to go back up. My husband came in and he burst into tears as soon as he saw me.

I finally got to go home, but, my hubby said something to me when he found me bawling, he said I didn't need to do that because he had done enough for us both. I find it strange because he tells me now that he's a little relieved that I lost the baby.

I'm  heartbroken....I feel like I will always be. I have heard all the attempts at consoling. But, I just want my baby...not another one. I miss that baby and all I can think it how he or she should still be growing inside me safely. I was supposed to be 23 weeks and 5 days tomorrow with a baby that was to be named Memphis Raines.