I wrote earlier in my journal post scared, that I was afraid to take the pregnancy test that I had laying around. Well i took it cause I didnt feel like waiting. and of course it was negative.
My thoughts are two sided. The optimistic side is saying things like, its to early its wrong. And then the negative side is going strong with things like, just face it, your not going to have another baby, you arent taking good enough care of your diabetes, god is punishing you, your just not good enough to get pregnant again and it just wasnt meant to be.
I want to cry so much over this. I just dont understand why i cant get pregnant. Is it because of the diabetes, or the fact that i have bad gums, or the diet mtn dew that I drink, or is it low fertility, or god doesnt want me to have another, or it something to do with my husband?
I have been pregnant three times in my life. The first was when i was 18 and he was a still born at 23 weeks. The 2nd was a miscarriage when I was 20, and the third is my daughter who is 23 months old. I used birth control after my daughter was born for about a year. I got the little matchstick bc that they insert into your arm, but had it taken out 2 months later cause it messed with my pd, and then went on the pill. Im wondering if the first form, the matchstick, did something to me that makes it impossible for me to get pregnant. i just dont know whats going on.
My big wish would be to get in vitro, cause Ive always wanted twins. But that is not possible because we cant afford something like that. Im not sure what to do. People keep telling me to relax and dont try, it will just happen, but I cant let go like that. Im somewhat of a control freak and like to know im doing everything to get what I want. i dont know what to do anymore. its obvious that my hormones are raging right now cause my emotions are all over the place.