JUST THINKING OUT LOUD

[geminitwiins]

Darrell said something to me on Sunday that has had me thinking ever since.

He actually said to me, "What would you be doing if you were at home?" Meaning back in Oklahoma.

I replied, "I would be working." I don't work here.

It's what came out of his mouth next that has had me thinking I might have made a HUGE mistake.

"Yeah you would be working, sitting at home alone and catering to the boys."

REALLY??? Compared to what I do here in whatever town he has us in for the moment?

I thought by coming out here I would finally find myself. I have always been a daughter, friend, mother. I do for my friends and family before I do for myself. AND, I have lived with my Mom in some sort of fashion for the majority of my life. So, I thought this would be good. I would be on my own, sorta speak, and I could be a Mom to my two sons, who were suppose to come out here with me, without the interference from my Mom.

Well my two sons did not make the move and I have been on a downward spiral ever since. In June of 2010 everything started to make since in my lost world. I got my two sons out here and I was a mom again. I had a purpose. Then in August I lost one back to Oklahoma, then in December of 2010 I lost my youngest. And again I'm on a spiral slide into an abyss I don't know how to get out of.

Then Darrell said what he did and I light bulb, really I think it was lighting bolt, went off over my head.

I'M A MOM!!!!!!!!

It's all I ever wanted. I knew I wanted to be a Mom since I was a little girl. I didn't dream about my wedding like most normal little girls. I dreamed about the day that I would have a family of my own, husband not required.

For the past two years I have been trying like a lunatic to figure out who I am. As though I was missing out on my individuality.

I tried doing what I thought would make me happy, which in turn meant I was doing things that made Darrell happy. I didn't change anything in my life, I just changed locations and dictators.

I love Darrell very much, and in the end we have blended together a very beautiful family. We have 7 kiddos between us and 3 grandchildren. In a sense I got exactly what I have always wanted, but I left it.

I know in my heart of hearts I need to go home. Back to Oklahoma. I just need to figure out how to do that and still have Darrell in my life. We are going home in September for a 2 week visit and I'm trying to figure out if I'm coming back to California. Darrell is more than likely going to be here for another 2 to 3 years. I know I can't do that. Not without my kiddos.

I might have a change of heart if I can get my youngest out here. But all I know is that I NEED to be a Mom again.

[eldaaanna49]

Jun. 22, 2011 at 10:41 AM

Wow thats a lot of emotions. I wish I knew an easy solution but I don't I only have what came to my head while I was reading your feelings and I noticed that you have forgotten something or maybe you just didn't mention it but it appears that your husbend feels left out. Just for info sake, how old are you? Are your kids under 18? If they are, I agree they should be with you but if not you need to focus on your husband now. Your kids have their life to live now. I am not saying this lightly....my youngest is out and she left at 17 and that about killed me. It has taken a year or little more to finially realize that my husband needed me too and things have slowly gotten better. Please don't think I am attacking you in anyway....the pain is real when your children leave.....it was for me and still I find myself crying anywhere and anytime but so much less then when I thought if I didn't get my kids back I don't have any reason to live anymore and should just find a suitable way to end it.....but there is more life out there I promise.....hope I helped and if you have any questions even if there ugly....please let me know...:o)