The Marriage Killer

[NannyB.]

Having now been married for 46 1/2 years (WOW--where did that time go?) and listening to countless married women talk about their marriages, I have seen that there's one thing that will absolutely destroy a marriage and that thing is having unrealistic expectations.  And that is almost always on the part of the women and not the husbands.  Women seem to marry with the expectation that her husband will solve all her problems and meet every single one of her needs.  That's simply too much to ask of any human being, and it puts needless stress on the husband from the get-go.  "Nothing is more harmful than false expectations, those that can never be fulfilled," a very wise man once said.  Many women marry men with serious character flaws and then expect upon completion of speaking the wedding vows that he will miraculously change right before her very eyes into a man who is perfect in every way.  That is an impossibility!  The first time he fails, as he surely will, to behave as the imagined now perfect specimen of a husband, the bitterness and blame sets in, followed by the cry that he does not make her happy.  It never seems to occur to her that his "failure" is the result of nothing more than her unrealistic expectations.  Nonetheless, she wants out and that usually means divorce.  If we are to have happy marriages, we must leave our unrealistic expectations at the door of matrimony, remembering that the man you choose is the man you get and that his character is unlikely to change.  That same wise man to whom I previously referred also said, " We are constantly tempted to want more from people than they can give.  If we relate to them with the supposition that they are able to fulfill our deepest needs, we will find ourselves increasingly frustrated.  If we expect a friend or lover to be able to take away our deepest pain, and expect from him or her something that cannot be given by human beings, we will be quickly disillusioned."  I, for one, would like to see this marriage killer get the death penalty. 

[evwsquared]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 11:21 AM

You're so right! We're responsible for our own happiness.

[Lb128f]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 11:33 AM

Agree! With you and evwsquared...happiness comes from within.

[lizzybee44]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 1:07 PM

you are absolutely right. i just found this within myself about a month ago. wish i new sooner. this realization has gone further too because not only do i no longer put my man on a pedestal, now i don't expect anything from anyone else either. it's a freeing feeling. thanks for sharing 

[kehgiggles]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 1:32 PM

AMEN, Sista!

[My2boys0523]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 1:45 PM Couldnt have said it better myself ;)

[maidn]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 2:15 PM

Actually in my case letting go of my expectations  qand accepting him for who he was is what finally allowed me to leave, I had to truly face  he was going to stay the same abusive bastard no matter what and was never going to be the man I feel in love with , too bad it took me 15 years to figure it out . Letting go of our expectations can mean different things for different people 

[chavela_carlita]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 4:00 PM

I totally agree with you!!!! This is such a well-written post !!! 

[squish]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 4:14 PM

I could not agree with you more, and I have only been married 7 years. So many of our friends have had the woman leave the marriage, and your reasons are absolutely correct. A wonderful book about this very subject is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. There are many letters from men to Dr. Laura included in the book about how they feel about their (very simmilar) situations, and they are absolutely heartbreaking. If you value your marriage, if you at one time loved your husband, please read this book.

[treynlisa]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 5:52 PM

Wonderful post!

[marine_wife0520]

Jun. 27, 2011 at 8:04 PM

I liked this post a lot! Thanks!