When I was a kid I saw so many people who were married and they fought so much or the man took all of the money or was a wife beating drunk. My dad beat my mom and thought we did not know so she would sick him on us the days he was hitting us he was not hitting her she denies it but after ahwile I fell does not match the bruises. Even the people I saw whom are still married hate each other after 70 years? There is nothing romantic about marriage it seems like a lot of hard work for nothing to me. Thank goodness I did not get married making promises to someone who does not care or promises from someone like me who after ten  years knew I could not do it making nice with a person who has no honor this would not work for me. I am not a marriage minded person I am honor bound to my boys or the guys but find myself  tired and beaten down after fighting off feast or famine and not having a job for about five years left me without for a long time. I went to counseling. I live with my x because we made the commitment to my son.  Now I am with that guy I saw all of these women with and I am learning at almost forty alone and by myself making my business work is the best place for me to get to. I laughed at them for being with a guy who does not care he has no friends and no social life and all of his life has done bad things that I cannot even mention but it involves stealing and maybe I am not perfect but I do think we both deserve better. after months and months of his crying about how he is the victim he supported us for ten years but he filed bankruptcy just one more way for him to shirk his duty and we live together(Never live with an x.) last night I came to the end of my rope I have given him thousands to the bills but its never enough he does not pay them he is telling everyone he owes 5000 for taxes and its not true. I am tired of trying to work so hard to catch up to where he is. Why does it feel sometimes  that lazy people get everything and I have to work harder to get where they are ? I went back to college with all of these stupid Ideas and none of them have yet too happen. College is lots of fun but its not getting me employment so I am really going to bring my A game and make my company have  investors we are becoming an llc. I just have to say it I am working so hard to make my life better but its hit a snag I am done with this. Its time for me to move forward I am preparing for the Iron man now I can prepare to sell myself to investors. I whined but I feel better the tension was too hard to swallow I am tired between school work training and running my own business and feeling like lazy people get everything yeah I know welcome to reality oh yeah I do not want any offers to sell products or turn key businesses this is my journal and this is where I unload so if that's your idea kick rocks oh yeah have a rockin good day but kick rocks I am working my way through a funk it can and will get better. I just need to admit this is the corner I painted myself into and sometimes shooting yourselfin the foot is the most painful but learned lesson. I want something that does not exist for me because I do not want to be bitter just live a better and stronger life. I have endured torture abuse loneliness being really overweight and welfare almost losing my son to cancer. this is one more step in this battle this is reality and from now on I am going to slap it in the face and make it my bitch. Yeah whats that line filthy mouth no excuse. bow downLol It feels better already.

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