i haven't been on here for a long time, i really have not been in touch with the world for a few years now..i just didnt have any care to do so.  in my previous journal posts i recorded the few other times i had left my abuser... but each time i always got back with him, i would fall for his lies over and over again for a total of 9 long years.  Well this time, it is for good!  i was tired of all the false promises he would give me, tired of all the threats of being killed or badly hurt in front of my kids, and the horrible thoughts i had of him actually doing everything he threatened. i hated on mothers day waking up to him calling me a fu**king slut, and b***h it is so awful for him to yell at me at the very top of his lungs in my ear while i am driving and my two babies in the car, begging for him to please stop at least for the kids but never does. tired of my son asking me "is daddy going to be mean to mommy again today?" asking if daddy is in the car when i picked them up from day care, and having to tell them each time that he was waiting in the car, the look on my babies face is something i will never forget. tired of feeling worthless, constantly being disrespected and told i was physically ugly, fat a**, and how he could do so much better than me. i would tell him, go ahead and leave and find someone else, then leave me alone.. his response would be "do you think you could get rid of me that easily? just so you can go out there and be the slut you always wanted to be?". this guy is so delusional, in the 9 years we have been together not once have i cheated on him, not even flirt with another guy, but he "knows" i have "screwed around" several times with various guys. he seems to know it all, but he sure didnt know when i finally left him for good. he still calls me, says stuff like " i cant wait for you to be in my arms again, and tells me that i WILL have sex with him again" that stuff creeps me the hell out. i tell him, "i left you, what part of that do you not understand?" i am so frustrated, i lost everything again, no car, no place of my own, all our clothes, furniture, and most of all that i miss is i forgot to get the pictures and crafts my kids made me from daycare... my son who was 4 at the time wrote me his first letter, it was an envelope that said "mom" on it in his curvey writting, when i opened his letter it just said "mom, i love you". the day i got that letter i was having a horrible day, but that made me so happy i wanted to keep that forever, but unfortunately i had to leave it, i basically had to go in a hurry before my ex-abuser caught me leaving. i ask myself "how did i end up in this?" "why did this happen to me, i was always a good girl, i literally have never gotten drunk or tried drugs, i wanted God to send me a man in my life, and i wanted to get married and be with that one man my whole life, my grandma and grandpa did that, and i always admired that relationship, so that is what i wanted.  i dont know why i didnt stay away from him and kept going back in the past, but i am older, my kids are older and i have much more strenght spiritually that what i had a few years ago when i left him the other times. i only keep praying that GOD continues to provide me with the strength i need to stay positive and know that will get better from here. i dont have to constantly live in fear anymore, that anything that goes wrong, it is not going to be all my fault, like he would always blame on me.. it is my fault the car needed gas all the time, it was my fault the house was a mess, it was my fault he lost his job, it was my fault he went off on me everyday, it was my fault that he had felonies on his record and couldn't find a new job and the list went on.. but not anymore. GOD help me, i feel so horrible inside, i smile to the outside world, but on the inside i am torn apart. it has been so hard since i left him, staying in several different friends and families houses, my babies constantly asking me when we are "going home" walking in the heat to the stores (no car anymore) struggling to save up for an apartment of our own.. i looked in the mirror today and asked myself "was this worth it?" was it worth leaving and putting myself and kids through such instability? i know in my heart it IS worth it.. but right now, it just plain out sucks. :(

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Comments:

BlueM...
Jul. 20, 2011 at 10:20 AM

(((HUGS))) I am SO proud of you. And you are a wonderful example to your children. I wish I had the strength that you have shown. I stayed with mine until he left ME. I was too insecure to leave. But that was a decade ago. God knew I was too weak to walk away, so I believe He compelled him to leave me. It will get better. I know things are hard right now, but you will embrace all the small freedoms you will be finding. Such as chipping a cup without getting yelled at, being a little later than usual arriving home, and not having to justify it, freedom to talk to someone of the opposite sex withou have to be concerned that the spose will get jealous.  Honey, you will LOVE this new life. You are just stepping into the Promised land.

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daye62
Jul. 20, 2011 at 4:04 PM

You made the right decision.NOBODY deserves to be abused.I know it is hard to just block it all out.The truth is it has changed you forever,but it has made you wiser and stronger.You are a beautiful woman and someday you will meet somebody who recognizes both your inner and outer beauty.If you haven't done so,I would seek counseling for both you and the children.Since you say you are staying with friends and family I urge you to involve people who can really help you and make available to you all the help that's out there.There will be issues of child support and visitation and with abuse in the picture you definitely need a lawyer.They will help you with all of that,as well as with restraining orders so he can stop harrassing you over the phone.There may even be housing available.Do not go back.Most of the time the abuse gets worse if you leave and return as he attempts to scare or hurt you so badly that you won't dare leave again.Take this danger seriously.I wish you the best.Keep your head up;this,too,will pass if you stay the course.

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nicoal4
Jul. 20, 2011 at 9:25 PM

HUGS HUGS HUGS I am so proud of you so amazed at your self and how brave you are how brave your kids are going to know you are and your daughter will KNOW the strength before it happens to her she will know all you did to prevent this for her and she will not be a victim SO much love to you what an amazing women and mother you are... PLEASE know you worth and know personally I know things get better and you will make it and it is an amazing feeling at the end... Hold on tight and keep walking forward maybe someday you can be some one the encourages other women to make the stand you have maybe someone will have the strength from you MAYBE some girl that read this will not be able to get this out of her head and make the stand you have... HUGS....

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