confused about self and eating

[sleepymamaof3]

well, i just need to get off my mind some stuff. rant out loud, but i don't know to who. sometimes i think that dh is oblivious to the obvious. i know that i am depressed. he knows that i get in my "moods" on and off. i hate therapy and meds. i hate meds bc i forget to take them, yada yada yada, and would rather try to just deal with the situation. i stopped going to a psychiatrist that i was able to get into fast because he told me (despite my history as a teenager of bipolar, suicidal attempts and harming myself) that i wasn't depressed, it was just ppd (even though it hasn't passed, and my youngest son is going to be 2 in a week). i am a mom of 3 and every mom feels the way i do. i've tried to explain it to my husband, but he freaks out when i talk about the depression. sometimes i wish that i could just go to sleep and not wake up, it's only bc of him and my boys that i am glad that i wake every day, even though i have nothing but them to be happy about. 

i was seeing a therapist but she dropped me, like, never called me back to reschedule. i was seeing her once a week, and wasn't seeing her for too long, but then i went back to work, still okay, but then work was busy for my husband and he wasn't home to watch the boys for me to go and i had no one else to watch them, so i could only go once every 3 weeks, then i had to leave one appt early bc my son got sick at the sitters and had to reschedule the next appt bc of something for my sons school, so i left her a message and she never called me back. 

and now i am having some eating problems. i almost starve myself most days, eating maybe a banana and a salad for dinner, or when i do eat, i will eat a ton, then spend the next several days eating salad and only that until i lose the weight. i am 5'2" and weigh 115 right now. and though i am the thinnest i have ever been (i've been with dh for 7 years now and when i got with him i was 135, and always that) but i still feel absolutely huge. everyone jokes about it. my manager at work told one of my coworkers, laughing (bc that coworker is going on a diet to lose weight) to not do it the way i do - she actually said "dont starve yourself like jessica". it's funny, i'm smart, i know what i am doing isn't good and that i shouldn't lose anymore weight, that i'm not fat, but i feel it. i know it's not good to not eat, my stomach hurts a lot and when i do eat i can barely control my bathroom movements, but i feel fat and i see the numbers go down on the scale and that makes me happy. i wanted to weigh 120, then when i reached that it wasn't good enough, i wanted to weigh 115, now i weigh that and its still not good enough, i read online my height should weigh 108 - 144, ideal 125. so i'm thinking to aim to 108. which i know i shouldnt but i need to weigh less. it's actually freaking me out. i'm 27 with 3 kids, and i just can't be happy with my weight or with myself. 

i want to find a new therapist and psychiatrist, but i don't bother bc i have crappy insurance that have fewer options so it takes months to get into any where, and i don't have any time to go, no one lets you take kids, i have no sitter after work, i can't take extra time out of work (i already take enough between the sitters schedule and my youngest sons therapy appts - he is being evaled for autism and has 3 different therapists right now that he sees, plus he's on the waiting list for more). 

argh .... 

[Lb128f]

Jul. 22, 2011 at 8:53 PM

I'm sorry. Sounds like you have a "full plate" of stuff going on. I do think "talk therapy" helps and I KNOW meds help. If you have been diagnosed with any type of depression and have been given meds...you need the meds. I mean that's what they are made for...to help. If your brain isn't making a chemical you need and the med provides it -- then you should take them...don't "forget"...just put them next to your toothbrush or someplace you'll see them every AM!

You could  have PPD...it doesn't "end" at any certain time and if you do have it..it definitely needs to be treated...scary stuff. ;( Wow on your weight....115 is perfect! I wonder why you don't like YOU?  ;( Going to therapy will help you find the answer.

Maybe a friend, neighbor or family member could help watch the children? Or maybe you could "trade" babysitting time with another Mom who needs a break? Even a few hours can help! I hope you'll start thinking more about YOU...take care of yourself...mentally and physically. If you don't -- no one else will, you know? You have to be your "best friend" in this situation! GOOD LUCK!