Communication Assignment - Feelings

[LorelNicolette]

This is second part of the reflective communication paper I'm writing, and covers how I felt at the time.

The previous section dealt with describing the birth, and can be found here.

In this section I'm supposed to describe my feelings before, during and after the birth.  I'm supposed to examine how the events and people led to how I felt.

Let me know if you see improvements that can be made.  Thanks! 

Feelings

When I think back to the experience leading up to the birth I recall that I was excited, uncomfortable, anxious and annoyed.  I was excited about meeting our first born son as were many of our friends and family members.  This in addition to my extreme discomfort in the last month made it incredibly hard for me to visualize making it to 40 weeks. 

The comments I received from co-workers, friends and family members about my size made that reality even more daunting.  Months before I was due to deliver I started getting comments such as, "Any day now?"..."Are there twins in there?"  Some even questioned whether I would be able to give birth vaginally.  I suspect they were nervous for me, but was a bit taken aback by their bold predictions. 

All of this made me both anxious and annoyed.  I so badly wanted the pregnancy to be over.  I was done.  Induction seemed more and more appealing with each passing day.  This produced extremely mixed feelings for me since I had originally wanted to go into labor on my own.    Doubts also started creeping in about whether I would be able to have the vaginal birth I wanted.  This made me especially on edge when the midwife had me see the doctor to assess whether the large baby I was growing would pose a risk in the delivery room.  I was already not fond of this doctor's style, which made me feel even more out of place sitting in the exam room.  The disconnected way he went about it made me feel nervous and powerless in the decision making.  It all came down to him.  I was happy later on when I found out that his verdict ruled in my favor.   

During labor I remember feeling very limited in regards to my mobility and pain relief options.  While I had not set out for an un-medicated birth, the fact that there was no support for one made me feel defeated in that area.  Still, I was very thankful and relieved that the epidural was available for me to receive.  The relaxation that followed helped labor to progress which kept my spirits up during the process.  At one point one of the nurses said, "I have no clue why any woman would give birth without the epidural".  My feelings on this were mixed given my initial plans, and the fact that I now had one.  Her words were slightly comforting, but left me with the impression that natural childbirth is a joke to hospital staff.   

When labor stalled things did get a bit scary.  All the doubts I had about being able to give birth started creeping back in.  My midwife was very patient about it.  She made it known that we would continue as long as the baby was okay.  She remained calm and seemed confident that everything would turn out fine which helped me to feel safe.  Still, I was thankful when that stage passed.

The pushing stage was long and drawn out.  The steps that were taken to keep the baby's heart rate in a safe range made me a bit nervous.  The nurses did reassure me that the procedures were a common occurrence in the delivery room which helped to ease my mind a little.  One part that stands out in my mind is how my husband reacted to the actual pushing part.  He was afraid he would hurt me by pushing my legs all the way back near my ears.  He ended up doing it though since the nurses reassured him that it would not hurt me, and how they do this all the time.  The coaching method the nurses used for pushing left me mentally and physically exhausted after the birth.  I feel that it led to a more difficult recovery and hindered bonding with my son since it gave me a horrible headache.  

After the birth, my emotions ranged from elation and accomplishment to confusion and frustration.  I was elated that I had pushed an 8lbs 10 oz baby out vaginally.  This was a huge accomplishment for me.  The confusion was a result of the lack of resources and support for un-medicated childbirth.  The frustration came from the constant ebb and flow of hospital staff, friends and family.  I feel like my opportunity to bond and establish breastfeeding were hindered by the constant disturbances that the interruptions presented.  Since I could not figure out how to get him latched on right I did not feel comfortable feeding him in front of people.  The hospital staff was also relentless with their expectations and micromanaging of feedings, elimination and sleep.  They claimed it was for the best, but I couldn't help but feel that we would have done much better with less oversight.