I have no idea what I am doing! I'm 19, living where I don't wanna be, doing nothing with my life, and thinking WAY too much about EVERYTHING! 

My heart pounds every time I look at my daughter because I don't know what I'm doing. I'm only 19, I don't know how to raise a child. I should be in school, making friends but I'm here in a small room laying on a bed with my daughter and fiance. God, I love them both so much and I do not want to let them down but I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't cook for my man, or know what to do in a panic situation for my daughter. 

I'm so scared I'll go into some kind of depression and the thing is that I am too ashamed to admit that I think I'm already there. I feel so anxious, and terrified, alone, and panicked. Above all, I miss my mother. I knew I'd need her but I need her to the point where when I think of her I wanna cry because I just want her to rub my head, tell me it'll be okay, I'll do fine, and she loves me. 

If I could go back I wouldn't change a thing, because I love my girl, and I love my man and I wouldn't want a life without them. My fiance and I have a plan but I still feel lost. I feel like the woman in the scene of Pearl Harbor when Japan attacks and people are being brought to the hospital. After they find their friend dead but have no choice but to keep moving forward and all around her people are screaming, running, and she's standing still crying and looking at everyone saying I don't know what to do but no one is looking at her. 

I will get through this, I know. I will get happier, I know. I will raise my daughter best I can, I know, but how do I get past this as fast and painless as possible??

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Comments:

Lb128f
Aug. 26, 2011 at 8:33 PM

I'm sorry you are hurting. It sounds like you might have some PPD...it's more common in young Mom's...but, it CAN be treated! Please call/go see your Doc...let them know you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed. You are going to be okay! There's nothing "wrong" with you...other than PPD...all Mom's feel a little lost at first. The depression and worry is what needs to be treated. I hope you'll be feeling better soon! 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/

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Karis...
Aug. 26, 2011 at 9:59 PM I dont think I have ppd, I think I'm just a young mom whose scared. I'm happy, just terrified.

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unsus...
Aug. 29, 2011 at 1:54 PM

Wow.  Hi.  We are both in the Wedding Plinng Group.  I saw that you had met your fiance when you were 14 and I thought "This girl must be young"  So I guess I came snooping here to find out more about you.  This journal went straight to my heart.

I had my oldest when I was 20 and I felt the same way.  I love the way you put it, no one wants to admit that's how it feels as a new, young mom, but you did a great job of putting it into words.

As for plans, yeah those are nice to have ... but honestly ...life kinda flows.  And I'm sure you've heard the phrase "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans."  My favorite is "Many are the plans of a man's heart, but it is the Lord's PURPOSE that prevails." 

And another ... "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to comfort not to harm you."

You may not know where you are going or what life will hand you but HE does.  He knew it when you met your fiance and when you were blessed with your beautiful little girl. 

It's ok to still want and need you mom, but the amazing thing is that your little girl needs you the same way and if you do your best, she will be a 19 year old who still wants your help and support.  Having your mom to turn to for help and advice is one thing, but you are now the mom and you will have to learn things on your own.  It looks like your little one is still an itty bitty ... you have time to figure this out, you really do!  Your little Selane will love you everyday, even when you feel you're getting things wrong.  Just keep trying your hardest, your best and you can do this!

The fact that you are scared shows you know the responsibilty you are faced with and you're already a great Mommy!

So many hugs. 

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s1ndee
Sep. 15, 2011 at 3:28 AM

Chuey your doing a great job. Typical your doubting yourself. ITs hard your struggling. Failing tho, YOU ARE NOT. Things are looking up You guys just took the hard way. But your doing a damn god job. Keep the faith mama.

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s1ndee
Sep. 15, 2011 at 3:32 AM

And from your Daddy. he said nothing is out of your reach. Daddy said get back on your path. Its not to late follow your dreams. young parents do it all the time. We raised a strong girl. fnd my peter pan mama.Reach for it and grab it.Dont let go!

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