And then........?

[heratyc]

So I realize now that he still has way too much control over me.  He left, I dealt (at least I thought I did) and all that was left was divorce, custdy and child support.  Seems I was wrong.  I've found myself getting scared every time I see a car that looks like his.  I can't enjoy sitting out on the porch after the munchkin is asleep because I wonder what would happen if he were in the trees.  I've become dangerously paranoid and sometimes can't leave the house.  It would be less of an issue if it didn't affect my daughter.  I'm stressed, so she's stressed, and she's the only innocent one in this whole mess.  There are times when I realize that he's two states and several whores away, and I can act like a normal mom.  Then there are times that I'm afraid to let my poor girl play in the yard just because he said he'd take her and no one would ever find him.  He's more mentally abusive when he's not around than he was when he was telling me to kill myself.  I'm hoping that this crazy fear will blow over when the court dates have come and gone, I know there's no way he'll ever get custody, I have his records, I guess he shouldn't have given them to me if he wanted to look like the better parent.  Even the most corrupt judge wouldn't give custody to an unstable, violent man with a history of mental unstability over a woman who's worst offence ever was a busted headlight.  As tired as I am, I really shouldn't be writing anything, but I guess I needed to get this off my chest, vent a little.  The weirdest part is, part of me still cares for him a little, not enough to go back to him, not after what he did.  I guess I can love what I thought he was and just stay away from the man who would put his wife and child on the streets so he could have bars and prostitutes.  I just hope he stays where he is, I want to be able to build a normal life, away from him.  He does have one victory as of right now, I still don't know if I'll ever be able to date again, I don't know if I could trust anyone that much.  I may change my mind one day, but I think, in my current state, lack of a love life is a healthy thing.

[Stickmom]

Sep. 24, 2011 at 4:10 AM

I'm sorry...I do think time and distance will help. Counseling would probably help too if you aren't already seeing someone maybe you could try it? I agree with you in saying that you "care"...I too believe it's the love and relationship you WANTED that you love )care about) and not anything about him. There are some Groups on here that might be helpful (below)....you are NOT alone! Good Luck!

http://www.cafemom.com/group/758 Domestic Violence Survivors

http://www.cafemom.com/group/15807 Guardian Angels

http://www.cafemom.com/group/690/ Domestic Violence/Verbal Abuse

http://www.cafemom.com/group/114155/ Rebuilding lives with PTSD