The Bio Mom Handbook - How to be the most intrusive and onbnoxious ex-wife and the biggest embarrassment to your children that you can be

[texassahm]

For more than a decade I have been a part of an online support group for stepmoms. Over the years several of us have become IRL friends and very close OL confidants. We have our own private group on FB with 100 members. This is a semi-humorous list of experiences we have shared together over the years.

PLEASE add your entries in the comment field below. I would love to see how long we can make this list!

The Bio Mom Handbook - How to be the most intrusive and obnoxious ex-wife and the biggest embarrassment to your children that you can be.

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The following is a list of suggestions from stepmoms on how an ex-wife or a biological mom in a custody situation can make life - for lack of a better word - challenging. These suggestions are all based on the real life experiences of these stepmoms. These stepmoms are venting about these tough situations in order to make it through the next challenge thrown their way.

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Here are some quotes from the stepmoms responsible for these list suggestions:

"I personally wish this was posted on the open site where everyone could read it and see exactly what we have [gone] through all these years. Have I said lately how much I love all you ladies? I don't think I would have survived the past 9 years without you. :) ~Anonymous stepmom"

"Isn't it sad though that these are all TRUE stories? No one would ever believe us." ~Anonymous stepmom2

"This is so.....pathetic. But kudos to us, for having incredible sense of humor!! How else would we survive?" ~Anonymous stepmom3

The Bio Mom Handbook - How to be the most intrusive and obnoxious ex-wife and the biggest embarrassment to your children that you can be

Rule #1, everybody loves a martyr, perfect your role.

Make snarky comments about the new woman in your ex's life in front of the kids, in order to get these comments repeated in front of said new woman.

Insist on getting the new woman's phone number because "They are MY CHILDREN, I need to be able to speak with them as I AM THE MOM" Then call that number nonstop just because you can.

If the ex says, "Hey, child support is supposed to cover these types of things for the kid(s)," immediately start crying, then screaming and threaten to go back to court for more child support because "YOU tore apart this family and you HAVE TO PAY!"

Tell your kids your ex husband doesn't pay enough child support, so you can't afford to pay the mortgage.

When the judge tells you to refinance or sell your house within a year in order to get your ex husband's name off the deed and mortgage, tell the kids that their father is forcing them to be homeless because he wants all the money for the house.

Send the kids with bags of dirty clothes, to prove how you work such long hours.

When ex husband and his new wife are having a baby, tell the kids that their father doesn't love them anymore. If he did, he wouldn't want any more kids. Now that he will have a new family, he won't want you to visit anymore, but you'll still have to go because the law says so.

Sue your ex husband for emotional support.

Tell your ex-husband that he should be GLAD that his children love their new stepdad enough to call him Dad and revert to calling their real dad by his first name. It is ALL about their happiness you know.

Wouldn't apply obviously if biomom ended the relationship, but we get the "if your father hadn't left, we wouldn't be in this position" all the time or the very generic "ask your father" for any request that involves money.

Be sure to reference "half siblings".

Insist that the kids cannot ever refer to the ex's new wife as step mother because it will jeopardize the REAL MOMS ROLE WITH HER CHILDREN!

Each time old hubby and new wife buy anything new make snarky comments to the kids "Must be nice to be able to afford......" and try to increase child support every time any new luxury is afforded. Ex hubby gets new boat.....back to court. Ex hubby's new wife gets new car....back to court.

When your ex husband's wife does something nice for the kids, call your XH and say, in front of the kids, "Tell your FUCKING BITCH wife that my CHEEEELDREN have a FUCKING mother."

Your children should always be allowed to decide whether scheduled visitation will occur based on whether dad has anything FUN planned for that weekend. Oh, and don't bother telling dad. Just wait until he makes the 45 minute drive over and meet him at the front door to tell him they won't be going with him after all. Something came up.

Teach your kids to repeat every detail they hear at the other house and then throw all of this in your ex.'s face every chance you get.

Teach your children that your emotional needs AS THE MOTHER override and overpower everyone else's emotional needs.

Teach your children to say "We don't have much at Mama's like ya'll do here, but we have a LOT of LOVE a LOT OF LOVE" - *roll eyes* "Good eat love for dinner, I am having a steak!"

Tell your kids you're dying of cancer not once but TWICE, in order to get their sympathies and undying love. Have your son sleep with you until he is 12 or 13, because "he's the man of the house."

Refuse to get a job because YOU didn't want the divorce so why should YOU have to pay anything.

Have some random dude call your ex at 2 AM to say "huh huh, yeah I met ex and think she's hot. Do you have her number? Heh heh" while you giggle obviously in the background. This will SURELY make your ex want you back.

Learn what PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) is and then use it, constantly, all day every day, all the freaking time.

Send your children for an 8 week stay with ripped and insufficient clothing so that ex will be FORCED to buy them new clothes in addition to still sending you child support. That'll show him. Who cares if your kids are embarrassed and that cuts into funding your ex could be using to do fun things with your kids?

ALWAYS bring up the divorce, no matter how much time has elapsed.

Flip your kid's pregnant stepmom the middle finger at your daughter's high school graduation. What's dignity good fir anyway?

Stand on the porch at the other house while waiting for kid(s), and then talk all kinds of crazy ass shit about your ex. When the new wife/step monster suggests you wait in your car instead of talking all kinds of shit, pitch the mother of all conniption fits and accuse new wife/step mother of being a terrible person and a stupid bitch.

Get arrested for check fraud, call your ex, and when his only concern is for your kids, cry "don't you care about the mother of your children?????"

Drop your kid(s) off right before they go to a birthday party, so x will be forced to buy presents for the birthday party because "I didn't want this divorce, HE should PAY"!

Send your child for dads summer visit with the cell phone but block his and stepmom's number from calling it.

Rest assured that legal orders don't affect YOU. In fact, you can sneak your kids away to another state, in defiance of a restraining order and hide them from him for a month knowing that you won't get but a lecture from the judge.

Ask your daughter why she has to share a room with new sibling, she didn't want it, dad and stepmom did

Move 22 times in three years. Who says kids need stability? This is an adventure!

Run away and join the circus, leaving your ex to turn to his new girlfriend to take care of your kids while he works to pay you child support. Then for years afterward tell everyone your ex threw the kids into his new family too soon.

Sue ex for nonpayment of medical bills even though you haven't ever sent them to him.

Fail to provide receipts for anything but have excuses for everything

Have your kids call all the guys your sleeping with that are not your boyfriends but give you money "Uncle"

Refuse to pick up your child from visitation even though the court ordered it but threaten to call the police when the child isn't at home.

It is completely your right to withhold visitation if you think you deserve more money.

Make sure you get ex to agree to let child come to every event you have on your their time but NEVER let them come to his on yours.

It's completely okay to withhold visitation if you feel they did not clean up their rooms appropriately. Oh, and if the stepmom is going to take her daughter to do something fun, withhold visitation because SHE WILL BE WITH HER REAL MOTHER!!! [make sure you scream like a psycho on the phone machine]

Always show up late to pick up kid(s), in order to ensure that x has to deal with upset kid(s) thereby upsetting everyone in the 'other' house because it's good to show your x that you have all the power, rules don't apply to you, and you can show up (or not) whenever you damn well feel like it.

Leave very long messages on the answer machine at the ex's house about how this is "Moooommmmmmyyyyyyyy and I love you so much and missss youuuuuu!!!!"

‎Make sure when your ex is engaged leave a message on the recorder about their past sex life and make sure you do it in front of the kids.

Oh how could I forget this one??? Withhold your kids from attending your ex's wedding to THAT WOMAN. How dare he move on? Oh, and who cares if this upsets the kids, who really wanted to attend? It's all about YOU, you are the injured party after all.

Send your nasty gross sister to pick up YOUR CHILD from your ex.'s wedding reception. Make sure sister does not wait outside as instructed but instead wanders through the reception dressed in cut offs and a too tight t shirt, talking to anyone and everyone until escorted out.

Once you have knowledge of your kid's stepmom's plans to take your daughter to do something special/movie/concert/spa day - either A) do the same thing just before said date OR 2) refuse to allow your daughter to go to ex's house that weekend because of prior plans.....to help Grandma with her garage sale.

This is so.....pathetic. But kudos to us, for having incredible sense of humor!! How else would we survive?

When judge tells you to refinance your car into your name only, throw a rock through the rear windshield and then abandon it at the police station for ex-husband to deal with.

When you are finally threatened with legal action for identity theft -- and repeated failure to pay off and close the fraudulent cell phone account you opened using your ex husband's social security number 3 years after your divorce -- run out on the lawn with melons flapping, screaming to the kids, "Your asshole father doesn't give a shit about you. He's trying to have me thrown in JAIL, and then NO ONE will be able to take care of you."

Kick your daughter out of the house 3 months before she graduates from high school, when you realize you won't be getting child support for her come graduation.

Call new wife/step mother and threaten her repeatedly to take her house away when ex doesn't cough up more child support on demand. Act stupefied when cops call to suggest you stop your harassment.

Call younger kid(s) at other house and tell them you are very sad and cry and you miss him/her/them so that kid(s) feel sorry for you and become extremely upset themselves

Do the pee pee dance at the other house, beg to use the restroom, and then drop a toxic load.

Withhold your children from visitation when their siblings at the other house have specifically scheduled their birthday parties around your children.

Tell your grown daughter as you throw coins in a fountain that your wish is for her stepmother to die.

Tell your failing high school student son that you won't stop him if he goes to retrieve his "impounded" car from Dad's house while Dad is deployed.

Refuse to let your children see their stepmother or stepsibling for the duration of their father's deployment.

Claim that the stepmother is "living MY life!" even though said life is due, in large part, to your children's stepmom's income -- while you refused to work or attend college during your marriage.

Constantly contradict yourself to make you the good guy in whatever the current situation is, even if you stood firmly on a different stance the last time a similar situation came up.

Tell your 10 year old child that "Mommy hasn't gotten an increase in child support in years"

When it benefits you, insist the stepmother do and be all for your child, but if she does too much or does something that ONLY benefits the child and not you, freak out that the stepmother is NOT THE MOTHER.

Tell your child that now that your ex and new wife have kids together that he is now officially last on ex's totem pole.

Tell your child that the only reason your ex husband put his elderly Alzheimer's ridden grandfather, who can't care for himself AT ALL and requires 24 hour care, into a nursing home is because his new wife made him.

Never tell the step mom when child isn't at daycare so when step mom goes, she looks stupid not knowing where child is. This never stops being funny so never stop doing it.

Pitch a fit if step mother wants to help out in skids class even though you never bothered to before. Because after all it is [called] room mother NOT room step mother.

Make all decisions regarding the education, medical care, etc. on your own without ever once even mentioning it to the child's father, let alone discuss it with him and get his thoughts, he's just there to pay you money. Also, if he doesn't pay you for items not previously agreed upon, not discussed and not in the agreement, take him to court and win.

Tell your ex husband that the only reason he won't join her newest network marketing scheme is because his new wife has changed him. Tell him you don't know who he is anymore and you think it's sad.

Severely alienate your child from his father for years so that he ultimately severs all ties with him for years and abandons his siblings whom he adored because that makes YOU the WINNER!

Leave it up to your child to decide whether or not he feels like seeing his father. Start this early, about age 6. If he seems to be leaning towards actually attending the court ordered visitation, throw some delicious enticing carrot in his face to get him to cancel and stay with you.

Constantly torture your ex and his new wife by being bitchy, snotty, mean and downright nasty at every encounter because, you know, you can. And it serves them right.

ALWAYS take your child's side when he misbehaves while at your ex husband's house because when he calls crying that he's in trouble you can be the hero! It's more important that you look good in the eyes of your child, than for your child to learn any important life lessons.

Enable your child so severely for his entire life so that he cannot function on his own as an adult and will need you forever, that is the mark of an excellent mother.

Make sure you scream over the phone that your ex is an asshole while the kids are in the room.

Be a completely insane crazy raving BITCH when speaking on the phone to your ex husband over and over and over again, but when there's an audience, act not just polite or nice, but as though you are THE BEST OF FRIENDS! That way when [your ex husband] has a stunned and confused look on his face HE looks like the sashay and once again, you are GOLDEN. It's all about the show, right?

And once he is old enough to mimic you and scream at his father himself that he is an asshole and a shitty father, you can cheer him on in the back ground. Atta boy! You raised him right.

Have your (then) 8 y/o call & tell his or her father, "I won't SEE you again if you don't come get us this weekend" when Dad had already previous face-to-face cancelled visit 4 days prior w/ darling b.m. *-* Your social life & free time are much more important than your kids pshycological health *-*

Ingrain in your child that wise old saying you love so much, "It ain't cheating if you don't get caught!"

Never thank the new wife/step mom for offering to watch kid(s) so you could visit your suddenly ailing favorite grandpa, even though not one of your friends could be bothered to help you out. Continue to never thank the new wife/step mom whenever she does you a solid.

Mock your ex husband's wife for all the typos on her posts on a social networking site (blush, lol)

Always remember to hate your ex more than you love your kid(s).

Always refer to your ex-husband's family as his "new" family even though he has been with his "new" wife for almost 14 years, married for 8, with 2 kids when your relationship, soup to nuts lasted less than 3 years over 20 years ago. Whenever speaking to his "new" wife always tell her tidbits about her "new" husband because YOU know him best even though it was for such a short time when they were so young.

If the new wife/step mom doesn't have kids, never fail to remind her loudly, publicly, in your most finger-nails-on-the-chalkboard-voice that she's not A REAL MOM!

Threaten to kill the ex, the new wife, and the new wife's kids when you find out ex and new wife are having a baby.

Make ex drive 2 hours (one way) to get the kid even though the court order states "pick up at mother's residence."

Stay pissed for months on end when the ex doesn't say "hi" to your mother.

Make up fake laws, and sound stupid while doing it. Example: The support court law says I have until Jan 31 to give you the last year's receipts, and you have 30 days to pay.

Run up medical expenses as much as possible. Take him to court 3 times in one year for $27.

Claim to be penniless but make sure to buy Transitions lenses and highlights fir the kid.

When your next boyfriend dumps you, gets married, and has a new baby to his new wife, take it out on your ex for years.

Make up lies about your ex's step kids. Accuse them of beating your kid with a baseball bat.

When the holidays come, any holiday, kick it into high gear for weeks before and after.

Continually scream in your kid's face that her dad is an asshole, and then blame the ex when the kid can't stand you. After all, he must be saying bad things about you to the kid.

Call the house 17 times in one day. Call the cops when no one answers the phone. Scream into voicemail that it's the LAW that ex carry a phone on him at all times so u can call the kid anytime you want!

Refer to the stepmom as 'His new wife...'

(From a stepmom who is also a biomom) I never got my copy of this handbook. I use c/s on the kids. I never withhold visitation. I send my ex all info for school meetings. I never ask for half of small co pays even though they add up. The only thing I'm guilty of is nit sending the kids in great clothes because who knows if I'll see them again. I don't send rags. I just don't put them in anything I love. I need to show my ex this list so he knows how great he has it.

When your ex is planning to get remarried, have all three of your kids tell him 'mommy wants to know if she's on the guest list.

When you come on Easter morning to pick up your kids in your boyfriend's pimp mobile, strut up to the house in your most slutty white fringed, nipple showing tank top and daisy dukes, more appropriate for a biker girl calendar than sacred religious day of observation. At least you wore white on Easter.

When you break up with one boyfriend, run off within eight days to move into a new apartment with a member of the Diablo Locos biker gang boyfriend and all three of your kids, then broadcast that you're getting married in four months. Tell all three kids things like "momma has been friends with him for a looooooog time." and "He looooooves kids and will loooooooove you too." "He's a greaaaaaaat man." "....it's not a biker gang, it's a biker club."

When said biker gang boyfriend, and now known alcoholic, beats yo' ass, tell the kids "don't tell your dad or SM". Rather, continue to model good choices for your children and live with the abuser.

When your third common law husband beats you, repeatedly, keep going back. Teaching your son that saying "sorry" makes beating a woman all better and teaching your daughter that ANY man is better than no man.

Tell your children all the details of your personal life at all times, they're your built in friend's, not your kids. They WANT to know that you sleep with your landlord to get lower rent.

When you're in the overly spacious ICU family waiting, plop yo' ass next to ex (because no other of the 30 possible seats are comfortable) hand him the Cousin's sub you've just been slobbering over, and ask him if he wants a bite. Repeat for anything else you've chew drink on for duration of 16 day stay, including homemade empanadas that ex's parents brought in - regardless if there's a large tray of 72 within arm's reach. Thank god you offer. Thank god.

Tell your ex that you share everything with the kids, including all ex's emails and correspondence relating to c/s, visitation, school and other child related concerns - because you 'wear your heart on your sleeve.' Make sure to leave out the parts about concerns for your unhealthy environment and lack of parenting because you want to be friends with your kids.

Have kids tell ex and stepmom that for your birthday, you want a 'belly chain' for your piercing...oh, and pure gold...just in case we want to take them to go get you something.

When your ex gets remarried, refuse to see your daughter who came from out of state for the wedding. Insist that your own father come in town for the weekend then run off without telling anyone where you have gone. Do whatever you can to get the skids' attention BACK.ON.YOU where it belongs!!

Never, under any circumstances, once you've received copies of the receipts; pay your court ordered "half of out of pocket expenses" before the six month mark. This also applies to on the spot purchases that children may need such as replacement Oboe reeds for youngest child so she can perform in her concert in an hour. Rather, call ex and/or stepmom and cry that you "can't squeeze blood from a turnip" and ask them to arrange for reeds, even though ex is still at work and SM is out of town on business.

Never say thank you, under any circumstances, when ex and SM go above and beyond because you can't, won't or don't. Understandably, it's painful to say nice things or be cordial especially when it reduces your responsibility and accountability, or just plain makes your easy life easier.

When talking to your ex husband on the phone, with kids in your presence, make sure you say things like "Stop yelling at me!" even though he's not yelling. Really helps enhance your role as victim.

If your ex husband and your kid's stepmom ever takes your kid for a haircut, make sure you tell child how awful their hair looks, and then take them for another cut because Mommy always saves the day!

If kids happen to leave an item at the ex's house, call him demanding he return it immediately or you will call the police...because I'm sure they will think things like an old Little Mermaid VHS are much more important than all the crimes going on in the city.

At every chance you get, explain to your kids the details of you and ex husband's separation/divorce, and how it is all HIS fault, because getting them on YOUR SIDE is VERY important.

Even if XH has never missed his custodial time with the kids, nor has he ever missed a child support payment, tell them that he "ABANDONDED" them...and "ABANDONED his family". Anything you can say to make your ex husband sound like a horrible father will greatly help your cause.

Never refer to your ex husband's wife by name. "That woman" works very well...or any other nasty names you can come up with, such as "your cow" or "that pig".

Demand that your ex husband deliver your child support in PERSON. If he tries to mail it, tell him you never received it and he better "get his lazy butt over here right now and bring me my money" and when your ex husband mails the payment certified mail and it arrives a day after the due date (because the due date landed on a Sunday), take him to Court and have his wages garnished.

When you find out your ex is engaged to his new girlfriend, it is a great idea to kidnap your children, take them 1,000 miles away and hide them until a judge orders you to bring them back or risk losing custody and all visitation.

It is healthy for your children to hide them and prevent visitation so they cannot participate in their father's wedding to his new wife.

When your ex has been married to his wife longer than your marriage, it is expected that you continue to refer to her as the "new wife"

When you are terminally ill, you must not write a will. This will ensure that you will continue to make your ex's life difficult after you are dead and buried. It does not matter that your children will be financially and emotionally hurt by this action because making your ex and his new wife unhappy is your main goal for eternity.

When your son goes from weed to heroin, cocaine and Zanax, make sure to keep that info to yourself and only divulge that insignificant data when he overdoses and is on life support.

*Multiple choice question: Scenario. You are in ICU for 2 weeks and your children's stepmother makes sure your kids get to the hospital to visit you every day, fosters your pets for the entire duration and cleans up the vomit you left all over your house from the kitchen to the master bathroom in your emergency illness. What is the first thing you do when you get home from the hospital?

A) Thank the stepmom for taking in your pets and cleaning up four rooms of vomit.

B) Nothing, no one deserves an apology or

C) Call the police and report your kid's stepmom for breaking and entering, then kick your daughter out of the house for telling the cops the real situation instead of following along with your false report.....The answer is C!!! Just for shits and giggles, you can also report to the police "mail tampering." After all, your kid's stepmom DID touch your mail when she was cleaning and put it in one neat stack.

Call Child Protection Services any time your child comes home with a scratch or bruise because there is no way possible your child(ren) could fall off a bike, or hurt themselves during play in any way, while not in your care.