random gush of emotion

[katatrinakay]

i usually try to wait til the end to write a subject line, because usually by the end of the message i know what i'm talking about.....sometimes

 

its been a long time since i've written anything in here.. 

i left the unappreciative (tosaytheleast) boyfriend..asshole..and now i'm single...with three kids under 6. 

chris....... is kind of a jerk.  he's really just...  not practical.  i don't know what i was thinking..  
(whattheduckwasithinking??)

wait, who am i trying to kid...?.  hes a ROYAL ASSHOLE.  the biggest asshole of them all.

anyway, he mooched off of me and fathered my three kids over the course of 5 or 6 years...  had excuse after excuse for not getting a job...he couldn't keep a job when he had one...was always looking the other direction while i was taking care of his aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssshoooole. 

...deep breath.

he did some major hurt in the friendship dept.. 
.......... .............................basically, chris sucked the life out of me.

he left. last july..?  it was ugly.

...mooched off his friends for a while, refused to see his own kids, and when he did see them, he tried to make my life a living  hell....  he seemed to think that he could pick the kids up at 7 pm on a friday night and return them at 8 am on saturday morning was an okay schedule..  what..he fulfilled his"obligation," right?  (asshole) call me a whore, would only agree to take two of the three kids or cancel on me at the last minute....insist on picking them up early when he knew i had to work type crap.  i honestly feel that Chris' goal over the past year has been to break me down, drag me back, wring me out, and hang me up to dry. ....and call me a whore.

i can feel him backing off a little bit now, but holy crap is it frustrating. 

so he got a job in Brainerd, MN....which is about three and a half hours from where i live with our kids. 

he says that i wont LET him help.  I ask for him to help, but i wont let him.  okay, let me clarify everything here............. this:  

ME: so you have next week off?  I would like you to see your kids more often.  They need you.

HIM:  well if you would let me come down there i could help you.  I could stay overnight and you could go to work and i could send lily to school on whatever days i have off.

ME:  and then you'll go back to brainerd for two weeks without seeing the kids 
(thinking, oh great...this again)

HIM: no. see, you wont let me help you.  i'll see them every other weekend.  leave me alone.

 

now...this...he wants me back after...1.cheating on me. 2.cheating on me 3.lying to me 4.using me 5.stealing my bike 6.selling my lawnmower..7.making the past 6 years into the biggest mindFU@K i've ever had to get over.8.caught you digging through my purse..9.STILL snooping through my phone..10.you're uglier than i remember..11.you're dumber too.  12.  i'm utterly disgusted by you.  13. dont touch me, you give me chills.  14.i can't remember what i ever saw in you.

wow, can you say OVER him.  not over all of the feelings, working on it, but him...  i wish he'd leave me alone already...  i can't stand the thought of getting back with him.  it nauseates me.  i hate myself sometimes for getting into this situation, but here i am. a single mother of three kids under 6. 

i don't really know how i do it..
i don't really know how i've been doing it..
i don't know if i'm even doing it well.

i'm not sure how, but i'm going to continue doing it. 
(thisisreallymylife)

so..there it is.  i'm tired and glad i just got all of that out of my head.