It seems like every year that goes by, something happens for me to just HATE holidays.

It's been a year since my cousin killed himself.  I hate myself for not keeping in touch with him over the years.  I hate that he had to go through whatever it was alone.  I could throw blame here but what good would that do?

Christmas is everywhere to remind me we're coming up on a year Lauren's been gone.  All her days of suffering and struggling to breathe ended in a moment of sleep right before Christmas.  I miss her.

Then we have the beginning of February with love, hearts, cupid's arrow and all that jazz, and reminding me that Joey isn't here anymore.  His death is still like a fresh stab wound to my chest.  I could have really used his advice this past year.  He was my rock for a time.  I am still so angry at him for driving drunk.

Then it'll be springtime, my own daughter's birthday isn't all celebration for me.  It is also Danny's birthday.  I am still a little angry at him for not wearing his helmet outside the police station in Iraq and getting shot.  He knew better than that.  But it's been a few years, I suppose I've gotten used to the idea of him not being around anymore.

There was a time when I was so afraid to forget these people.  Now I wish I couldn't remember.  I want my life back.

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