Ok, let me start at the beginning: We have been trying to get pregnant for a year and ½…..the difficulty would be caused by my PCOD. I still have some vacation time left at work, so I decided to take Tuesday Nov 29th off, because that would give me a 6 day stretch, perfect timing to get some last minute Christmas shopping done, as well as going out for a date night since it’s been a while, and well Breaking Dawn part 1 is playing and anyone who knows me knows I have to see it in the theatre, then own it so I can watch it a million times lmao. But before all of that happened, I had a period that started Oct 23, lasted the normal pattern of the predictable 7 days (but not going to get into the pattern on here lol), but on day 8 I was still spotting very light pink, so light that it would only be there when I wiped once or twice a day, which lasted for another 7 days, the next 2 days it was a bit heavier, to the point I thought I was starting my period again, and the last day of this 17 day cycle was just that, the dark color that indicates its over. I then had 9 days of nothing, but then it started again, the same light pink spotting, which lasted another 11 days. During this, I had teased hubby that maybe this was an implantation period, but I have gone through this so many times in the past year and ½ that he didn’t want me to get my hopes up again, only to be crushed once again. I even told a few people that I would forfeit all my Christmas gifts for this to be an implantation period, that it would be my Christmas miracle.
Well Monday Nov 28th I decided to take a HPT just out of curiosity. It turned positive before I finished dipping it for the 20 seconds!! Well I was excited beyond excited, but didn’t know what to do with myself, I wanted to scream it from the roof tops, but at the same time I thought it would be better to wait until we saw a doctor. What I did instead was went to Wal-Mart to get a digital test, that would tell me how far along I was. It said 3+ which is the highest it goes, which means I was at least 5 weeks, so of course now I am panicking, because I was worried I was further along than just starting, and as the youngest child in my family I always wanted to make sure that I did equal for both, that the youngest doesn’t feel like they get all the handy-me-downs, and that nothings as good as it was for the first, so I wanted to make sure I did the photos of the belly each month along with the journal, that I did for my now 3 year old son.
Tuesday Nov 29th I did research online to find a doctor, since mine of 20 years is taking a 12 month LOA starting Dec 3rd, and hubby’s doctor was on sick leave until January. I found out that the hospital has an OBS clinic so I called them, they told me that I would need to go for a dating ultrasound, but she predicted 5 weeks and 5 days, if we went from my last normal part of the 17 day period. She said that she would book me for a dating ultrasound in the middle of December, so we decided not to tell anyone until then, so we could say how far along I was.
Wednesday Nov 30th I did a lot of planning, since I was home alone with my toddler, I made lists of everything we have and things we needed, and had a strong feeling all week that I was having a girl, and also had a strong feeling that it wasn’t going to happen, I had that bad feeling. I got out my maternity clothes from my first pregnancy and threw them in the washer, and spent the day planning, and figuring things out. I even spent time trying to figure out if there was anything I was craving, so that I could make sure I added it to my diet. Work called me to see if I could work a few hours on Thursday, since it was only a few hours I said sure, even though I would have to work my weekend of 3 12hr shifts after that, I figured no harm done, and it would give me some extra cash to start saving.
Thursday Dec 1st I was home alone again with my toddler, until my mother in law got here to take him so I could go to work. I figured that I better be ready to go as soon as she got here, so the 2 of us got in the shower. As I was getting out I could hear the theme song to “Secret Life of Benjamin Bear” so I knew it was around 11am. I threw my around the house clothes on, and went to get clothes for him, and we went to the couch. As soon as I sat down, I started getting bad pains, I thought maybe I needed to have a bowel movement, so I went back into the bathroom, but started feeling nauseous. Here I am thinking “sweet! My first morning sickness!!” I know it sounds strange, but I wanted it so much lol. I actually ended up having to grab his potty bucket to vomit into because I couldn’t get off the toilet. The cramps and pains were getting worse, so I went to lie down on the bed, took some of the pain away, but not all of it, so I ended up back in the bathroom once more for a minute, nothing happened, so I went out to the couch to lie down. My 3 year old was standing at the foot of the couch, he decides to start jumping, and I asked him as best as I could not to, but being 3, he decided to do it more, until he grew tired of it. I was completely helpless, I could hardly talk or breathe it hurt so much. After about 30 minutes or so from when the pain started, I caved and called my husband, praying that it would not get him in trouble at work. He asked me what I wanted him to do, I said I didn’t know, but felt better talking to him, and that I needed help with our son. He said he would call next door (his grandfather and cousin live 2 doors over). While I waited, it occurred to me that I should have called the OBS clinic instead of him, so I did. While I was talking to him (and I told him the front door was locked, they have a spare key) his Poppy showed up, without the key, so I had to get up and go let him in. The clinic said they couldn’t tell me much over the phone that it might be constipation, but if the pain was that bad or I started bleeding, I should see if someone could drive me into the Emergency Room. Knowing that Poppy drives really slow, I wasn’t so sure that he would be the best person, so when he said that hubby’s cousin was home I asked him to get her. Oh, something cute that I forgot to mention, when Poppy came in, picture my 3 year old, only clothes on were his socks because I was in the middle of getting him dressed when it hit, and he looks at Poppy, “Mommy have crap pains!!”
So I got up to get pants and a bra on, and to put something on my undies incase I started to bleed. I didn’t care that I didn’t put deodorant on, or that my hair wasn’t brushed, I just got out of the shower so I really didn’t care, I grabbed some socks and then went back to the couch, but on my way I noticed that not only was the cousin’s car not in the driveway next door, but now Poppy’s car was gone, so I went back to the couch thinking I was screwed. A few minutes later, the cousin showed up, and apparently was told by my mother in law, that hubby must have called to get a hold of her (and Poppy went to chase her down in his car) that I was sick with a migraine or the flu or something and needed to go to the doctor. When she looked at me she knew different, she put clothes on my toddler, we decided to send him with Poppy, something we would never do under normal circumstances, and then as she was putting my socks on for me because I couldn’t bend to do it, I told her that I was pregnant. She drove me to town, its now lunch time on a Thursday (pay day for many) and town would normally be jam packed, but there was hardly any traffic, she dropped me off outside of the hospital and went to park the car, while I went in to get a number, not a soul in the waiting room, I was only sitting for long enough for her to park and come running in, and an extra minute or so, before they called me in, while I was going in my mother in law showed up. So as I was telling the admission nurse my story, I just kind of looked at my mother in law, this is the first she was hearing of my pregnancy. She had to go back to work though, she was on her lunch break and cousin was going to leave as well, to give me privacy, I just looked at her and said “don’t leave me!!” and then started saying that I was supposed to work, my mother in law said she would take care of that, I asked her not to tell them I was pregnant, for some reason I still didn’t want anyone to know, but felt really bad, they only called me to work because they were that desperate.
Now I am in the assessment room, cousin had to help me get undressed, they did blood work, gave me pain killers, IVs, and assessed my abdomen, asked me a lot of questions (cousin said she was impressed that I was able to answer them all) and wanted a sample of my urine, so cousin helped me onto the commode. The next thing I knew I heard voices yelling to me from what sounded like the end of a long hallway, I opened my eyes that I didn’t know I closed and saw my nurse, cousin and the admission nurse holding my shoulders talking to me “Are you ok?? What’s wrong?? Answer us!!” apparently I passed out. They came in and did a pap smear, and then I kept going in and out of consciousness, they kept telling me that I didn’t have to sit with my legs on the stirrups anymore, but it helped relieve some of the pain. The next thing I knew they had an ultrasound on my belly, which the pressure hurt it, and I was almost asleep again before they started, they left, the pain was coming back, cousin went and got them, I got more meds, then the doctor came back with a vaginal ultrasound, I remember he said “its smaller than a penis so it wont hurt as much” and then I heard cousin say “I’ll just step outside while you do that” to which apparently I yelled at her once again (I said it a lot) “DON’T LEAVE ME!!” so she stayed. I remember looking and seeing a large crowd of people standing there looking at me from between my legs, and I heard them say “there’s no sign of a pregnancy” and then “wait what’s that? Is that fluid?” as I drifted off again. They came back and start explaining what was going on, which was an ectopic pregnancy (in my fallopian tube instead of in my uterus) that they believe to be ruptured and that the fluid was blood sitting in my abdomen, hence the weakness and drifting off, they explained things to me, as I started crying, talking about emergency surgery and blood transfusions, and got me to sign forms, the IV was in my right hand and I was weak so I told them it wouldn’t look like my signature but I would try lol. When they mentioned surgery, a thought popped into my head, and I started yelling “CLEAN MACHINE!! I NEED THE CLEAN MACHINE!! Call my mom, I don’t know the story but she does!! Her phone number is <insert number here> she will tell you!” but they didn’t know what I was talking about. The anesthetic guy came in, introduced himself and asked if I had any questions so again I said “clean machine!! Ask mom!!” he seemed to know what I was talking about, which made me relax, but then it occurred to me: mom didn’t know I was pregnant, and if she found out in the hospital, she was going to freak, and I said that to my nurse. They got cousin the phone to call her, but it was busy, so they decided to just use this clean machine to be safe. (Apparently though, while I was going to surgery, the nurses got a hold of mom.) Then they brought in another gurney for me to move to, I sat up, got dizzy, my nurse asked me if I was ok and that I should lay back down, I said I was fine, I just needed to dangle my feet because my BP must have dropped, as I said this I fell over on her (she was sitting on the bed next to me her arm around me) so she put me back to bed and decided to take me in this one. I went down a hall and saw some staff, into a room where my nurse gave report to the OR nurse, and I was listening but had no energy to do anything else, another one came in with a warmed blanket, and I teased her “where have you been with these?” as we went down another hallway, and then I opened my eyes as they lowered my head because it caused so much pain I could hardly breathe, and my shoulder! Why could no one tell my why my (right) shoulder was killing me almost as much as my abdomen?? They expected me to roll onto my left side, to stick a board under me, to shimmy me over to the OR table, I kept telling them it hurt, I was scared, I couldn’t breathe, and that we had been trying for a year and half, I don’t know why, but these were the things I told everyone I saw lol. They gave me oxygen and raised my head a bit, and as they were putting padding under my arms, I must have drifted off again, because the next thing I knew I was in a room, tubes and what not coming from everywhere, a woman standing right next to me talking to some unseen person, and unable to hear my questions “where am I? What time is it?” etc, because I had no voice, but she did eventually hear me, and started answering me, it was around 7pm, (which I was relieved: “Oh good hubby will be off work by now and will be here any minute”) the doctor documented that she was only at me for approx an hour, but you need to add on the pre and post op times, I was in the recovery room, I would soon be moving upstairs, and for some reason I felt the need to try and stay awake as tired as I was.
I soon heard her on the phone trying to get a “porter” and for some reason I pictured myself in a porter wheel chair, lol, but she was unable so she said “I guess I will just take you myself!” as I got off the elevator s few other people came to help her move me in my bed, I saw moms boyfriend in the family room, managed a little wave, the nurses were teasing me “Finally we get to meet the infamous <insert my name here>!! Our phones have been ringing off the hook, people asking about you, as well as people coming in to see you, and we had no idea who you were!!” They then made me shimmy myself from the one bed to the actual bed, which was a lot more comfy, but almost impossible, caused a lot of pain, but they gave me morphine for that, I asked again why my shoulder hurt, they said it was because it was full of gas, something that is quite common for someone who went through what I went though!! I remember informing them that I can’t do serious, I need some humor, which they replied “oh goody, we like that too” or something like that, then mom and her boyfriend came in, and mom informed them that I too was a nurse “yes but I work in a nursing home” and then teased them they should keep the call bell away from me, one of them told me it was shift change so I should ring every 10-20 minutes lol. I realized that my mom and sister were both there with their “husbands” but my own husband was not, so I stated that he should soon be off work, they told me he was already there, but when he found out I was still in surgery he went home to get me some stuff. When he got back, we arranged for mom to take our son for the weekend. I remember telling them some things, like when my brother in law asked me what I was doing here I told him “I just didn’t feel like working this weekend” trying to make a joke out of it, because I am good at that. Then they asked my hubby if he was going home, the nurses told him he could stay if he likes, he looked at me, yah right like I want to be alone right now! My sister told me I needed sleep, after I asked them to call my dad and good friend, even though I knew they would freak, but I thought it would be better then them killing me for not telling them lol, so at one point she came over and closed my eyes, I thought I would play along and keep them closed for a minute, but that was that, the voices went down that long hallway again, someone must have removed the cup of ice chips from my hand as well, because the next time I opened my eyes it was dark and my night shift nurse was there with Tylenol extra strength and ibuprofen, I was confused as to where everyone went. It was a long night that night, she woke me at 6am to take more meds and to wash up, I had to sit on the side of the bed for the first time, it was painful, and then she made me get up! I had to ring my call bell because I felt like I had to pee shortly after that, and I had a catheter, so she came down, checked it out, and relieved the pressure, then I called work around 8am to tell them I wouldn’t be in all weekend, it made me feel like I was being a let down, someone else would have to my shifts for me, but I had 70-80 hours of sick time, I wasn’t worried about that. I asked hubby to post on my FaceBook that I was in the hospital and how to contact me, mostly for family.
He went home to get a shower and to go to his car appointment, and to pick up the kid from next door to wait for mom, but it was getting late so he came back in with our confused and tired toddler. He took one look at me, curled his nose and told his father “I have to go home now” but I imagine seeing his mommy laying in a strange bed, in a strange room (with a strange hair do lol, since I still haven’t brushed it and it was now the next day), tubes coming out of her nose, arm, and well from under her blanket. He sat in the corner and ate his lunch, while I tried to nap. My nurse came in and decided she wanted me to try standing, so I did, but then the bed was having issues with the locking, it wouldn’t lock, so I had to stand longer than planned, I was in hubby’s arms though, she kept telling me to breathe because I was hyperventilating, it was burning, my whole body was shaking, all I wanted to do was sit, but I got back in after what took forever. When mom showed up it was sweet relief, I feel like a horrible mom but having him gone allowed me to rest. I asked how long I would be off for, my nurse guessed 4 weeks, I felt horrible thinking I just ruined someone’s Christmas because I was supposed to work it.
The next few days were uneventful as far as hospital visits go, I worked hard to get out of the bed, they removed my catheter, an excuse for me to get up to the bathroom, they removed my pressure dressing on Saturday, I got to shower, or rather hubby got to shower me, I had more visitors, and phone calls, hubby brought his laptop in for me, I was surprised to have had like 30 replies on his post on FaceBook. He stayed with me until Saturday night, I told him to go home and get some rest because the Doctor said I would probably get discharged on Sunday, and he needed to do as much tiding and get the house ready for me. She also said 6-8 weeks of recovery, the incision I have is that of c-section, but since the embryo ruptured in my fallopian tube, and she had to repair it as best as she could (she said I will still ovulate from that side, but probably won’t get pregnant on that side) the healing time and what not is that of a hysterectomy. When hubby’s cousin came in to visit me, she informed me that they asked her how I got there, she told them he drove me, and they lectured her that it was very dangerous, she should have called 911, I could have died, so I guess I kind of owe her my life.
So now I sit, its now Friday December 9th, a week after it happened, and every night last Thursday plays over in my head with all the what ifs: what if I didn’t cave and call hubby at work? What if there was traffic or a wait time, I probably would have waited for my turn patiently until I passed out. What if I was at work when it happened, I probably would have just passed it off as period pains, even though I knew better. It really freaks me out, and part of me wishes I didn’t hide behind my humor at the hospital, they could have given me a prescription for Ativan or something (they had to give me some on Saturday night because they came in to say hello at shift change and I started bawling hysterically, and was unable to stop, they wanted to call hubby back in but I wouldn’t let them, instead I took the meds and talked to him on FaceBook chat).
I’m told to listen to my body, but not to spend all day in bed, like I was doing at the hospital. I need to get up and exercise as mush as possible, like wash a few dishes, or sit on the couch and fold laundry, but not to do things like change the laundry over, I also can’t bend, or lift more than 10 pounds, so no lifting our toddler. If I’m doing something and it starts to hurt: stop. I can go get groceries, but maybe just be in charge of the list, or carry things that are light, or push the cart until it gets too full. But if I feel like I have to take a break, then do it. If I am up too long my stomach starts feeling like it weighs 10 pounds, and my back starts hurting. I cant even shower without hubby home, I get him to gently wash my incision for me since its under my belly fold, I can hardly see it, lol, then he needs to help dry me off because I have so much hair, by the time I’m done washing it and myself, I can hardly breathe it hurts so much and is so much pressure. I don’t think I would be able to get through this without him, he is my rock.
As I sit here I often think to myself “there’s no way I need 6 weeks to recover” then I move and it reminds me “oh yah, I had surgery” Apparently I bumped 2 people for their surgeries that day, which made me feel even worse. I can’t get comfy, its hard to roll over, to get up or down, when I’m laying down its next to impossible to do myself because my back locks up, but I guess I should be grateful I’m alive, I suppose it turns out my Christmas miracle wasn’t that I got pregnant, but that I survived. I still feel horrible though, someone has to work my Christmas, and I can’t really go Christmas shopping, so people are going to be getting less than they should (plus my pay will be lower than normal) and gift cards, I hate giving those because its like I put no effort in picking out your gift and you know exactly how much I spent on you. People keep telling me not to worry about it, but I do, keeps me from thinking about what might have happened to me I guess, and also they keep saying “at least you have 1 beautiful child” which I know, but I think he would love a little brother or sister, its not fair than I get PCOD, when I always wanted lots of kids =(