Starting Again

[LetsDoThisTrish]

 I am new to CafeMom, but not new to being a mom. I am currently pregnant with our fourth child and although I am eternally grateful to have this little blessing, I can't help but be worried, stressed and frustrated. This is my 3rd pregnancy where I've gotten pregnant while on some form of birth-control. Our first daughter was planned, she was a honeymoon-conceived baby, but my son, MJ, he was conceived while I was on the pill, my youngest, Olive, was conceived while I had the Depo-shot and now this little one was conceived while I had the Mirena IUD implant.

Kids are expensive. It worries me. My husband is disabled, due to a severe work injury and is home collecting Workman's Comp. He hasn't worked since 2009 when he was hospitalized for 2 & 1/2 weeks with Rhabdomiolysis (heart, liver and kidney failure) and too low of blood pressure (60/20). He cannot have surgery because of a heart condition he was born with, so he has to suffer permenantly with his injuries. He's constantly in pain, aching, and we frustratingly have to plan our intimate marriage moments around his pain-medications schedule.

I want to work. I need to work. Hell I went to college and earned degrees to work, but I've been guilted by doctors, lawyers, employees, friends and family that my role is the mother and caregiver to my ill & injuired husband. He can't lift anything heavier than 5 pounds, but ignores that rule for Olive, because how do you explain that to a 2 year old that Daddy can't pick her up and cuddle her because it hurts him? You can't, it'll scar her for life and put a wedge between her and her Dad. Derrick helps with dishes, because it takes less than 10 minutes and they're not too heavy, but even that chore exhausts him. How can I leave him to work 8+ hours a day and have him run a household with 3 kids and another on the way?

The most stressful part is, this is supposed to be a happy moment in a family's life, another baby is on the way! But I'm not, I'm beyond stressed. First, it's a high-risk pregnancy. Second, we're a family of 5 currently living in a 2 bedroom apartment that costs $1000 a month and we have a car that only seats 5, there's already 2 booster seats and a carseat, plus the car is old and badly damaged from a horrible wreck a few years ago, I'm grateful she still runs, but where's the 6th family member gunna ride? Thirdly, financially, I know I cannot afford this baby. I make $900 a month as a caregiver and Derrick makes $1200 from Workman's Comp, that's $2100 a month, rent, renting furniture/appliances, baby necessities, vehicle neccessities, utilities, student loan payments and Church Tithes, all the money is spent before the following week starts. We have no savings, we never go out to eat, we decline invitations to save the gas for more important errands, etc.

I can't do this. But I can not not do it either. I have 3 that I've already raised, struggling, but there's a roof, warm beds, clean clothes, hot food, but it's been hard. But we kept them. I cannot have an abortion, I can't. I am totally pro-choice, but for me, I already know it there, it's growing, it's part me, part my husband and I cannot get rid of it like yesterdays garbagge. I can't place it up for adoption because I have 3 kids and it wouldn't be far, keep 3 and give away the one. What do I do? I'm going crazy. I have the BEST support system I could ever ask for, my church, but even then, I feel guilty asking for any sort of help. I am so confused and maybe my stress and worry is drowning out Gods answers to my prayers, but I am still so lost.