Roller Coaster of Emotions Today

[LetsDoThisTrish]

 The "excitement" I have for this pregnancy is purely faked. I am not excited, at least, not yet. My husband is giddy excited. Everyone at church is excited. My mothers are excited. My grandparents are worried. My siblings don't know, or at least, we haven't talked in a while. This is baby number 4. I have four kids and I'm still in my 20s. I've had four kids within the almost 10 years we've been married. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm not where I thought I'd be at this age. I feel like my dreams and life goals are becoming more and more deminished because more kids = more bills.

All I did today was clean house, organize things, got rid of things I didn't need, just to make room, for a little person that won't be here for another 7-8 months. This 2 bedroom apartment has me feeling more claustrophobic than elated about a baby coming. I love my husband, but lately I don't want anything to do with him intimatly because I don't want to get, "more pregnant". *Sigh* I know that sounds stupid. But I just can't bring myself to get happy. I was on a great weight-loss journey, eating healthy, exercising a lot and losing at a great pace. Than Bam! My size 8's don't fit anymore, I can't stop eating bread and all the exercise I'm doing to counter the carbs, wasn't working. My annual Dr's appointment on January 30, 2012 revealed why everything was going wrong and it wasn't my metabolism! I'm pregnant.

My size 8/10 dress still fit, but I'm back in size 10 and 12 jeans because I'm so much more than bloated. I'm just waiting for my stretch marks to get stretch marks and for me to turn back into that fat, lonely, depressed, insecure girl again. Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of beauty, especially when you already have a husband and beautiful children, but me, I just feel doom. How am I supposed to be happy? I KNOW children are a blessing from God, I KNOW God never gives you more than you can handle and I KNOW everything happens for a reason. But HOW am I supposed to be happy? Mind games don't work. The Xanax & Zoloft don't work, tea hasn't been working, I don't know what else to do.