I detest going to work so much I have panic attacks and my hair is falling out. I have contemplated driving my car into a ditch just so I would have an excuse to not show up. I vomit in the parking lot before I go into the building. I cry during my lunch breaks. I got so desperate I went to see a therapist because I knew it was just a matter of time before I did something stupid. My therapist recommended quitting she says it's toxic and not in the best interests of my mental health, but she doesn't have to pay my bills. So in the meantime I was put on anti depressants and they just kept upping my dosage until I felt like a zombie with no sex drive and STILL hated my job. I came off them cold turkey (that was a whole other hell) and stopped seeing my therapist.
I tried to talk to my family about it but they just say some people don't have jobs, and we've all had to work at jobs we hated and on and on. It's useless. I hate to complain to my husband because he would just say "quit" , but we can't survive on one income right now without drastic measures and it's not like he loves his job so it would be selfish to quit mine. The worst is that I know if he knew how bad it was for me is that he would insist that I quit but I don't know if I can take the guilt of that on top of everything else.
Ive been there for three years and I still get the crap shift. I work the late shift so I drop my kids off at school in the mornings and don't see them again until the next day. I was a stay at home mom for so long and it kills me to not see them. Everyone is asleep when I get home and I work week ends so I do get to see them in the mornings before I go in. I feel so alienated from my family and my husband always jokes about being a single parent. I was the mom who was in the PTA, all the teachers knew me from volunteering and now I can barely recall their teachers names. I never know when projects are due until the last minute. Im so distracted by my own misery that I'm not even being a good mother or wife. I feel like a failure in every part of my life.
At work I'm inconsistent. I can perform like a trained monkey and do well. There are days when I'm like "I can do this there are worse things" and then I have days of absolute misery and just plain shitty. I'm at my wits end and just don't know what to do. I'm just venting. I was going to blast the company and say some horrible things but, while my job sucks, there are plenty who would trade places with me. The truth it's just not for me. It doesn't fit with my personality, or my family values. I think the problem is that I could deal with a crappy schedule and the sacrificing my home life if I loved what I did, maybe I could justify it. I could deal with hating my job if it meant I get to see and be with my family. One or the other but not both.
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