Thoughts at night

[abitirish]

It amazes me that I think more about my life and what is going on around me at the moment that I am suppose to be going to sleep or in the middle of the night when I am trying to get back to sleep.. I could write 100 blog entries during that time.. But when I get a free moment, which is few and far between.. I cannot conjur up anything much to discuss. Or anything that is pressing.. During the day the business of the day distracts me... and that isn’t a bad thing.

Some of my nighttime thoughts:

There is the husband... We are getting along much better and that is a relief... I am trying, he is trying... we are only 2 weeks post the last blow up.. So I am trying to hold onto to the now, in the moment, as oppose to the what ifs and the what was

Only daughter: She is living with that family and I don’t talk to her but once a day.. Its bothersome some days, but I have to let go more and more.. She is an adult... she calls when she needs me and that is all I can ask for.. College is good for her... she loves to learn and is very smart... I fear she is going to go for a career that doesn’t fit her... but she has to learn that on her very own.. And no matter what.... she will figure it out.

Mid son is off to work... full time.. He is becoming an adult and I am having to cut the strings more and more... I think once you have done this with your first child.. The second is a bit easier.. Course there is this whole huge different thought process... not to mention different gender.. Not sure if both of these factors play into it or not.

Youngest has decided to not work hard in school... “I’ll just get a 0 for that project... no big deal mom”... if you know me well you can imagine my face, my blood pressure and the phone calls that have ensued... but he has never been easy and resting on my laurels will never be with this child... he is the hardest as far as raising.. He is the most loving and charming.. So it balances itself out.

On my mind these days are the upcoming move... when and if that will take place... and the whole entire slew of questions, thoughts and worries that comes with uprooting your life and leaving the place that you know as home... but I am trying to see the adventure in all of it and not trying to loose sight of the fact that home is where you lay your head and with the person you love.  I keep that close to my thoughts.. I am a worry wart by nature... I know this about myself... so if I can see the adventure of it all, I may just leap like my best gf does.. And not worry so much about the landing part..

Planning this graduation/birthday party and watching it blow up with people that I didn’t intend to invite, but having wont be a problem... I need to make lists, and the virgo in me wants to make them.. And be exact with it all, but I know as sure as anything, that you can make a list and count on things to turn out one way... and watch them do as they are gonna... people who say they will be there wont come and some that you didn’t invite will show.. It’s a guaranteed fact... and I know this. Just trying to suppress the Virgo in me!

Some other things that sneak in and out during the long nights...Empty nest syndrome is right around the corner... the upcoming 40th birthday... the question of why am I really here and what can I do to change the world.. Or at least improve the one around me.. Never mind the house and all the improvements that we are doing for numerous reasons and watching the savings account deplete a little at a time...

The upcoming vacations and the thought of how I need them to come sooner....

I can go on forever and perhaps if I get a laptop I can use it during one of my long nights of thoughts.. Get them off my mind and onto a blog and move on!!