Whatever

[Lazarat]

I think he's seeing her again.  I feel him drifting from me.  I guess it's my fault.  I moved over here hoping that things would get better secretly hoping that he would follow me too.  But to my dismay, it has just made us more distant, aware of how little we have to say or share anything to each other.  I am sad not so much that he might not love me anymore.  But that he found someone before I could get over him.  I feel spiteful because he is not the one giving the showers, getting thrown up on in the middle of the night, losing sleep, staying home a lot of times because of responsibilities.  But would I really want it the other way?  I guess not...but I have contempt for him because he is having fun with someone else.  The special attention I have craved from him, he is lavishly throwing on someone else.  I am happy because this gives me freedom from misery, this breaks the chain of depression that I have been anchored to for the last few months.  But at the same time I feel envy.  I see lovers walking down the street, holding hands, a man and woman cavorting around the avenues, smiles effortlessly decorating their faces.  I miss that...it's been so long that I've felt some pure joy like that that I wonder if it ever really happened or that or it was another daydream I created in one of my one hundred and one wishful thinkings I have done so often times.  I guess I should be happy for him.  I do believe in love and that love should bed pure and true.  That the romantic in me embraces the idea that love should be in pursuit to happiness.  So that if this makes him happy, I should be happy for him.  But my ego is bruised.  I know that my desire to be with him stems more from the idea of not being alone..of not having to play the game out there...settling!  And it shouldn't be like that.  But I am getting lazy now.  I am getting fed up and tired of hoping, hoping that someday soon, one day in some near future which has spanned to what feels like 100 years already...I will find that sort of love too, that frees you, that makes you feel complete...that makes you feel secure.  Somedays, I just try to really ignore that feeling of hate, the dark black anger I feel at the thought that he is with someone else, laughing and having a good time.  But I feel like the end is here.  I don't see myself ever getting married.  Of having the energy to be with anyone else.  I guess because I am conscious of the fact that all those times I  wasted energy on whoever was in my life at that time, I lost a lot of time with myself, for myself, and the dreams and desires I wanted to accomplish.  I don't want to go down that road again.  I don't want my son to see my life as a whole lot of unfinished bridges.  He will come to age one day perusing throught my life about my very thoughts and actions of the past.  I want to make sure it lead somewhere...if not only for him but for me most especially.

[Tatiana7]

Jun. 23, 2007 at 4:50 PM

I am sorry you have been hurt so shamelessly.  As women we only want comfort from those we love. It is never understood fully why we have to seek it elsewhere, when really we are not that complex. 

I relate to your pain. I hope you can somehow reclaim your sense of self.

Tatiana

[SJMVarner]

Jun. 23, 2007 at 6:38 PM

You made me tear up..  That doesn't happen often.  I can feel your sense of emptiness and lonliness.  I also see your anger and frustration and how its affecting your choices.  Well written. 

If you need to talk, I'm here.  If you need a good laugh, I'm here.  Mostly I'm good for laughs, but I am a good listener.  SO ...if you need a friend, chatterbox me!

[Dionneinusa]

Jun. 25, 2007 at 12:30 PM Im so sorry you're going through this, I had my first baby alone as my ex left when I ws 8 mnths pregnant. He drifted in and out for a while, I knew he was back with his ex! I was in another country on my own hoping he would feel responsible or at least guilty but unfortunately men can break away real easy. They turn around and leave and make themselves believe it the right thing. (like he did when he left his ex w/2 kids....I should have know that if he could walk away from her he could walk away from me easily! but we all like to think "This time its different- its real- he married her too young - Im the one for him") but its not us, its THEM......you need to feel good about yourself, the duties that you alone are carrying out to look after your baby - that alone is wonderful and you are stong, dependable and a great mom to do this...I found love again...by chance....on this continent (I was on vacation from the UK where I lived) you too will find love....Im sure!