-
My Story/Testimony
- Jan 25, 2007 at 2:49 PM
- By
- Comments (6) Total Views (133) Everyone can see this journal post.
I decided 2 share my story because my dear friend livelaughlove said she would love 2 hear my testimony & I decided 2 share it with all of my friends. I was born n Detroit Michigan 2 my mother & the man I thought was my father 4 awhile. My time n Detroit was pretty ok until 1 day, I was 4 and there was a family friend who walked me 2 & from pre-school daily, also took me 2 the park a lot; well 1 night my "parents" were having a party & the friend & I walked 2 his house 2 get something 4 the party & he molested me. I went home & was bleeding n my vaginal area. When I showed my mother she beat me n front of all her girlfriends. I never saw the friend again but the memory of that night still haunts me @ 41. The fact that my mother beat me hurts the most. I can still C the night so vividly when I close my eyes as if I am watching a movie. My mother never seemed 2 care 4 me much but my "father" & I had a special bond.
That summer my mother sent me 2 Baltimore 2 visit my "grandmother" & when school started she didn't come back 2 get me. I was happy except 4 the fact that I missed my Dad. I lived in a house full of cousins, 2 uncles & an aunt along w/my grandmother. We had 2 older cousins who would visit from time 2 time & they started molesting me 2. I starting believing that I must B doing something 2 make them hurt me, so I told no one. I later found out that I wasn't the only one they were molesting n the house. They were molesting the boys as well as the girls. A few years later, I believe I was 9, my mother just shows up & makes me come live with her (still in Baltimore). I then became angry and depressed. She would make me stay at my grandmother's house on the weekend but on Sunday nights she would beat me saying that she knows I am having sex w/my cousins & wouldn't stop hitting me until I said that I was sleeping with all of them (even though it wasn't true). She would get angry @ her boyfriends & beat me. One day she hit me n my eye w/the belt buckle & told me that I better tell the school I walked N2 the door. (I did sleepwalk @ this point) but I was hit by her. She started leaving me with some of her cousins on the weekends & the children hated me 4 simply being light-skinned so they did awful tings 2 me. I felt alone & wanted 2 die. (I am leaving out a lot because there's no room for all that happened). She even left me n the house alone w/this drunk friend of hers who tried 2 molest me but I ran out of the house. I also discovered drinking at age 10 or 11. It helped me escape my world. I even had a teacher in my middle school force me 2 have sex w/him, so by now I am thinking that I must B causing all of this 2 happen 2 me and that I am worthless. I then started getting beatings daily 4 smoking marijuana (I didn't). I suddenly tired of getting beat 4 nothing so I figured if I am going 2 get beat 4 it, I might as well do it. (didn't like it but again I escaped). I started running away as a teenager only 2 B found & brought back 2 HELL. My Dad died but before that I discovered I had many Dads. There were many men who thought they were my father. Now add confused & lost 2 my world. Through all of that I was an A student. School was my love, my escape. I loved 2 learn. I graduated from H.S. @ the age of 16. Whenever I got a 98 in school I was told by my mother that it should have been 100. She never gave any praise & always criticized my looks. Which caused my low self-esteem. She never said I love U when I was a child. She says it now but I hate when she does. Through the years I met more Dads. I have 10 to be exact. I just picked one & he is my father. My kids know the truth but they love my Dad now. I never lie 2 my children. They never met the old Dad. They have met some of the others.
Skip to adulthood. I always tried 2 find love but it's hard when U don't love yourself. I wanted to die & @ 18 I had my first child who saved my life. I had something 2 live 4. I have 5 children by 3 men which I am trying 2 overcome my shame & guilt about that. I have lived through an abusive relationship, my mother trying to turn my children against me (didn't work), she hates my 18 yo and my 13 yo, so they do not want 2 B around her, my 13 yo was n therapy a few yrs ago because he became so sad & angry; well it's because when I wasn't n earshot she would tell him he was stupid, he wasn't going 2 B anything etc.... I mean we grew up being called Bi%#hes. My youngest brother said he thought that was his name (he doesn't talk 2 my mother @ all & lives around the corner from her & she doesn't know it). I was told by my aunt just recently that my mother always hated me even as a baby because I took attention away from her. She recently let my children and I live in a house she owned & I payed the bills. Well 1 day after my biopsy to see if I had breast cancer a man showed up & told us we had 2 get out because my mother didn't pay the taxes on the house (she never told us even though they sent her letters). We shouldn't have been there anyway because there were holes everywhere and the rats outnumbered us n the house. The Lord blessed us in a mighty way because we had move by Sunday, Sept 24th I believe and I was at my son's football practice the Thurs B4 when 1 of the mothers who I went to H.S. w/said your daughter told me that U R moving. I told her my story (we still hadn't found a place 2 live) & she said call her when I get home. I did & she said she owns her own house & her parents left her theirs. It would help her out if we lived n it & all we had 2 do was pay whatever bills we had, no rent. Ain't God good. We moved on Sunday. I also found out that I didn't have breast cancer. Thank you Jesus. My 18 yo was beat w/a pvc pipe by my younger 3 father@ age 7, my 13 yo was used as a human shield by his father when the police came 2 arrest him 4 beating my 18 yo, my 13 yo witnessed a murder, has been robbed, one of my 12 yo used 2 have seizures but I read Isaiah 53:5 while I touched her & she never had another seizure again. That was 9 yrs. ago. God has brought us through so much. The devil keeps "trying" to get his hands on us but God has bigger plans for us. He brought me through a suicide attempt, through being on the streets, through abuse; we still have difficult times but I know that He is with me. Some days I don't know how I am going to feed them and someone will show up at my door with food or money not knowing our situation.
I pray that my story helps someone to see that even when we feel worthless God sees so much more. Our worth is not measured by our past but by what Christ did on the cross. I love you all!!!!
Comments:
Already a member? Click here to log in
Check out some of the top posts today in Groups:
- livelaughlove
Message Friend Invite