Bittersweet

[Bird-In-A-Tree]

The marker for my son's grave is finally in.  I can't believe I did it.  It was one of the harder things to do.  It is beautiful.  It is simple but I had the drama symbol put in the upper left hand corner.  Drama was Cary's passion.  He did love it so.  I went up to see it and I bawled for half an hour.  It is now a permanent reminder that he is gone.  I still can't believe it. 

Yesterday, Cary's father told me that he finally had the box of Cary's things I had been asking for delivered to his Grandfather's.  Joe brought it over last night, but it was only partially what I had been asking for.  The tape of the funeral wasn't there as well as the book of memories that his friends had written in.  I was so angry and hurt.  He knew that is what I really wanted to see.  I want to see the tape of the funeral because I don't remember anything about it other than sitting and staring at the blue casket.  And that the cd skipped at the interment.  

I so wish that I didn't have to go through this.  People tell me that I will be a stronger person for surviving this, but I am still at a point that I son't see how I can actually survive it.  I know  that God is with me through this, but I still feel so alone.  No one knows the horrid pain that I'm going through.  At times when I go to visit the cemetery I wish I could just lay down and join Cary.  I still love the other children I have, but this is different.  I guess it is the depth of loss when I know the others are still here.  The thought that the others still need me is the only thing that keeps me here even though I am not of much use to them.  

I don't know what else to say at this point so I will just stop for now. 

 

[momtojason]

Jul. 9, 2007 at 9:49 AM

I understand about wanting to lay down and be with them.  I sometimes feel the same way.  If only we could communicate and know that they are happy and give them a hug every once in a while.  I miss Jason so much.

Hugs,

Pam