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Johnathon Arthur (3/14/04 - 3/15/04)
- Jul 10, 2007 at 12:02 PM
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- Comments (18) Total Views (531) Everyone can see this journal post.
People ask me all the time how many children I have. I always tell them that I have three, because I do. That fact either confuses them or worries them (should they ask?). Almost everyone that has ever met me would tell you that I have two children, even those who know about Johnathon. It's easier for them than trying to explain that our son was only with us for 15 minutes. I'm sure they think they believe they are not doing an injustice. Few people know that I *NEED* to remember Johnathon everyday. I would rather cry and remember him than forget him. So here it goes... the story of Johnathon.
My husband, David, and I had not been on birth control since we were married in 1998. We weren't necessarily trying to conceive, but we weren't discouraging it in any way. One year went by, then two. Then three. Finally we decided that we wanted to actively try to conceive because we probably weren't going to have the surprise we were hoping for otherwise.
The first thing we did was to have him checked out. David checked out fine, and he was very proud to say the least! My checkup didn't go as well. I had cervical cancer as a teenager and had 4 cryotherapies and 4 coposcopies done between the ages of 16 and 24. I had also had a PID at age 17. At that time, they had told me that I probably had tubal damage, but they wouldn't be able to determine how much until I tried to conceive and had additional testing done. I hadn't had regular cycles in years, but when you aren't trying to conceive, having Aunt Flo visit twice a year isn't really a bad thing!
I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done (where they shoot dye into you and follow its path) to check for any blocks. There were none... and there was no tubal damage! So why hadn't I conceived? They determined I had PolyCycstic Ovary Syndrom (PCOS). The prescribed a diabetic medication (Glucofage) whose side effect was that it increased fertility.
8 months later we discovered that we were pregnant! We were over the moon. Yes, I took the home test 3 times and was still in disbelief when the doctor confirmed it. We knew that 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, so we we tried hard not to get excited too quickly. We began calling our Peanut "Cletus the Fetus" in lieu of a proper name until we knew what sex we were having. At week 12, we started to actually accept that we were pregnant. At week 16, we started buying little outfits. At week 20 we turned the office into a nursery and started choosing names.
One Sunday afternoon (at exactly 22 weeks) we met some friends of ours for lunch. I wasn't feeling great, but not bad. I felt twinges every now and then. Finally I was starting to feel movement from Cletus! It was about 3pm in the afternoon when we got home. I went to lie down, David went to go run to the grocery store and such. When he returned at 5pm, I was in full labor. I didn't know what was happening, but I knew something was wrong.
David called the OB who told us to get to the hospital. She was calling in advance to let them know of the situation. We made the 20 minute drive in 12 minutes. We were whisked immediately into a labor and delivery room. When they checked me, I was 5cm dialated and had a bulging bag. I had a fever of 101. They started me on antibiotics, but told me that there wasn't much that they could do at this point. They couldn't stop my labor. I would be delivering that night.
They told me that at 22 weeks (exactly), my babies lungs had not yet developed. My cervix had dialated due to incompetency and my baby had contracted an infection. My body was trying to stop the infection by going into labor. They could either do everything humanly possible to save him/her, or they could let him/her go in peace. No mother should ever have to make the decision that we had to. We didn't want our child to suffer, but didn't want to let our child go. We decided that it would be best for him/her to be with God than to suffer on Earth.
Our son was born at 11:48pm on March 14, 2004. We named him Johnathon Arthur after David's father and grandfather. He weighed 1lb .03oz. He was absolutely beautiful. He was so tiny that you could see his heart pumping. I wanted so badly to hear him cry, to see his eyes open, to feel him breathe. But none of these things happened. All I could do was hold him close and tell him how sorry I was. Sorry that I couldn't protect him and keep him safe. Sorry that I had to let him go.
Johnathon passed away at 12:03am on March 15, 2004. He was Christened by the Chaplain of the hospital. He was in our arms for 15 minutes, in our hearts forever.
We were given a box with items in it for Johnathon - a small bear for him to hold (the tiny ones used in crafts), a handmade gown to fit his small body, a hand crocheted blanket, two hand crocheted hats to fit his small head, a disposible camera (which we were given before the birth), a box to keep his things in, etc.
We left the hospital 2 days later with nothing but our box of memories, very heavy hearts and endless tears. I keep a photo of Johnathon on our mantle as he is, and always will be, a member of our family. I share our story with anyone who needs or wants to hear it. I remember him everyday and miss him every minute.
Comments:
Alicia,
Thanks for sharing your story. What a painful time it must have been for you and your husband. I will always think of you having three children.
Wow that must have been soo hard for you and your husband. I think it is great that you keep his memory and pictures around. Sounds like he will always be your little angel.
God Bless,
~ANN~
you and your family are truly blessed to have this much peace with the passing of a child. My son was to be a twin but I miscarried one very early on in the pregnancy. My husband and I were hurt for a long time because he is also a twin. I tell you what....God never gives you more that you can handle. Isn't he a great person! My mother passed away June 2, 2004 when my son was 3 months old. I can tell you that she is with your son. Continue to put your faith in God at all times. God Bless you and your family.
What a strong person you are. I lost a pregnancy in 2003 but I was only 8 weeks pregnant the baby never had a heart beat. I too will always remember that baby. Thanks so much for sharing your story of Johnathon.
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