Worst days of my pregnancy...happened 7/22 to 7/23/07

[zacashemily]

So here is my long story. I hope it is not too long.

So on Sunday afternoon (7/22), I started feeling some contractions. They were not too hard or evenly spaced, but they were uncomfortable. So I was told to go to the hospital. I was only 36 weeks and 2 days, but this is my 4th baby and my 1st did come at 36 weeks 4 days with no complications. Anyway, so I go to the hospital (even having to have my DH come home early from a business/pleasure trip he was on). I am checked and checked and such. I am had to walk around the L&D Department too many times. I am finally admitted for observation only since I am contractions every 1 to 2 minutes most of the time, but not dilating or anything else. They say that if nothing has changed or no water breaking by morning then I will be sent home. Well, I continue contracting until about 3 or 3:30 am and then they just stop. So I prepare myself for being sent home when my doctor's office does rounds the next morning. I have dilated from a finger tip to 1 cm (which is not much), but never changed the effacement (thickness of my cervix), but that was at 4:30 am. So the doctor from my office (not my regualr OB) checks me and says she thinks I was 1 to 2, but more like maybe 1 1/2. So they decide that I should go home, but that I need to be on the fetal and contraction monitor again just basically to check baby 1st. This is about 8:30 or 9 am. I asked them about medical intervention, but due to how far along I was (36 weeks 3 days at this point) they can't legally do anything until I hit 4 or 5 cm especially since she was not descending into the birth canal (aka dropped into pelvis and engaged). So the nurse hooks me up and I show a contraction pattern of every 3 minutes so she decides to have me walk again and see if gravity and my willing the baby will help her drop, but the contractions stop and she stay high up there. Things get a little fuzzy at this point, but suffice it to say I pretty much stop contracting at this point (well not hard ones that I can't handle.) In fact, I must have been contracting most of the time I thought I wasn't since I continue to dilate and this particular nurse says I made it to 2 1/2 cm so my doctor talks with her on the phone and decide to admit me and that I am there for the long haul. I am not sure what time this is, but it is about lunchtime. So I am consider in labor and told no more eating. I had eaten very little breakfast and slept maybe a hour the night before so I continue to drink apple juice and water in hopes it will give me enough energy. As the day progresses, I still don't contract much and dilating slows. My day nurse has to leave me since her other patient ends up having a c-section and so I am given a different nurse about 3:30 pm. She monitors and checks me at the beginning of her being my nurse and says that I am 3 cm now, but she is still not dropping and high up in there. So I am getting excited that this will be a long process, but everyone including some of the nurses, my mom (who was an high risk OBGYN RN), etc tell me that if I slowly progress to 4 or 5 then I should be able to get some pitocin to help me along. About 5 or 5:30 pm, my doctor has them monitor me and says he wants me to walk and he will be in that evening to check me, but that I will stay the night for observation. However, about 7 am the next day if no major changes then he will send me home. So he comes in about 6:30 pm and checks me. He explains that I am not really at 3 cm, but I can be stretched to 3 cm since this is baby #4 for me. He calls me 2 cm and says she is still high up there. He can't do anything for me except wait. He did consult with several other doctors who all basically said to help labor along only after she reaches 4 or 5 cm if the baby is still high. This is all because I am early. A few days shy of 37 weeks. I even jokingly told my doctor that I was wrong about my LMP. It would have made no difference anyway since I did have an early u/s which they dated me according to my LMP exactly right. I was also still not progressing anymore and no longer contracting. So he told me that if at 7 am I was not at 4 cm or with water breaking then I was going home. I was not happy this, but I knew it was what I had to accept. He left and I was downgraded to an observation patient instead of admitted. Well, my DH and I ordered dinner and my DH said while he would support me in staying that he that it was silly since we had really gotten no sleep the night before. He had slept on and off, but I was contracting pretty hard until 3:30 am so I couldn't, but dozed when they stopped. Anyway, he campaign for leaving. I ate my dinner since I was not in labor I was told I could eat, but felt sick to my stomach. I cried and cried and almost went through a box of Kleenex. In the end, we went to walk about 7:45 pm and I just decided that I was done. I hadn't contracting hours and knew that nothing was going to happen. My legs hurt (still do) and I was sad. I was grieving the loss of my baby even though she is happy and healthy inside me and still will be coming soon! I was being told that it was great that she gets to cook longer, give it time, etc....I was ready to kill the next person who told me that and to top it off my exhausted body and mind was missing my other 3 kids. So with all of that weighing on my mind, I gave in. I agreed to leave so by 9 pm we were on our way home and by 10 pm I was showered and in my own bed. I have cried more tears in the last 12 hours then I did over the baby I m/c last summer. Some tears are tears of tiredness and some frustration, but some are mourning. As I said before, I know she is still in there and will come out very soon, but I want her out now. My brother is on leave here until Friday and I so hoped he would see her before leaving for who knows how long, but now I know that isn't going to happen. I will be 37 weeks on Friday so I know that they will help me along more if I labor similarly then ( ahould go fast with my history and this being #4 so I hope to not repeat this), but it won't matter since by the time they help me he will be gone. Anyway, I know that she is in there, but ever since I decided to leave the hospital I am disconnected from my belly. I don't know how to explain it, but maybe the moms who have other kids will understand. For a few days after delivery, you imagine that your stomach is still there. I have never felt ghostly movements, but I sometimes forget it is gone so I feel pregnant still even though I have the baby in my arms or can see him or her. I feel like this except I am pregnant still. The belly is not apart of me anymore. I know it all psychologically, but that is how it feels. Yes, I still feel her moving down there, but it is just not the same. I don't know how to explain it. I am sure that it will go away soon enough, but at the same time I feel that it will be an eternity. I feel like a failure, but then again I know that is the exhaustion talking. All in all, I know that I should be happy to have a little longer with her inside, but I am not. I feel alone in this since my DH is glad to have her cook for longer, but also he is disappointed since he and I were glad to have her come. My kids don't understand so they are no help. My mom and dad know that we came home, but I had to avoid them last night since I was not in the mood to talk to them. I know my mom is gonna give me all the medical reasons, etc since she acts like she is a doctor and knows more than everyone. She is annoying like that especially with OB matters. So I am sorry this post ended up long, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I am sure that I will get better emotionally each day as I am more rested and the events are not so fresh in my mind, but right now I feel that I will cry forever.

Michelle

[Joy2beMama]

Jul. 25, 2007 at 1:49 PM It is understandable. For some reason, I understand...but, I am only a mother-to-be, and found out Thursday I was pregnant. I have the utmost empathy for you...and if you'd like, you can cry on my virtual shoulders...if it helps any. And, I will be praying for you...know you are loved.

[mommiesquid]

Jul. 25, 2007 at 4:32 PM I'm sorry you're feeling so upset. I know it's one of the hardest things to deal with at the end of your pregnancy to not be able to just hold your baby. But soon before you know it it'll really be time. And it sounds like it shouldn't be long now. So if you can say a prayer everytime you wanna cry and have God help you through. He will hold you as you feel upset

[kristy1983]

Jul. 25, 2007 at 8:02 PM I completely understand where you are coming from. I went through this with all 3 of mine. I was sooo anxious to have them out that it was the utmost disappointment to leave the hospital without them. As in the back of our minds we know taht they are better off in the womb the longer taht they can be but out selfishness wants to hold and cuddle and see and nurture our lil' ones. 10 months is long enough, but to go to the hospital in your "safe" period and just know that they will enduce and get it going, but it turns out that they dontis a huge disappointment. So honey you are not alone. I went through it 3 times and I know I will go through it with thsi one as well. good luck and know that I am here for you. ~Kristy~