I can't stop the pain

[Paula07]

I would like to say that I am sorry that this is long. I needed some where to rant, and maybe get some advice at the same time. Feel free to share any and all thoughts that you can think of. I am in need of something...............

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I am trying so hard to build a wall around my heart. I want the tears to stop pouring down my face and the pains in my chest. I don't know how much more of this I can take! I don't think that I am strong enough to keep going on like this. If I don't get out of this funk that I am in, its going to destroy me. And that is something that I can not let happen. Not only for myself, but for my son. Its amazing the power that an 8 year old boy can give you. He has no idea of the strength, courage and determination his love for me, gives me. And he never will know, I think that is to much for little shoulders to carry. But he is the reason that I get out of bed, and I want to be the best mother that I can be. Not what I can be, what he deserves. Anything less than that is unacceptable.

I just got off line with my stbx, and it was the most heart wrenching thing. I know that the divorce is going to go threw. My marriage of 10 1/2 years, and the relationship of 13 years is going to end. Along with it, the security, friendship, passion, desire, trust and love. In short I think that I am losing the one that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. People tell me that I WILL find someone new and regain what I have lost. But I can not replace the last 13 years of my life. When you think about it in time, I have spent over a third of life with this man, and half of my life with him in it, in some form or other.

Here I am 30 yrs, a single mom. I never could picture what my life was going to be like to 10, 20 or 50 years, but I could see him right there with me. No matter what we went through, I believed that he and I would make it. And now I have to think of what my life is going to be like without him. I have never been on my own. We were married before I turned 20. I went from being a daughter, to a wife, to a mother within a 3 year time span. I have never had to go at it alone. And now that is what lies ahead of me. I know that I will not be totally alone, I have a terrific support system of friends and family. But the burden is going to be on my shoulders.

I have not worked full time in 9 yrs, I stopped going to college to follow him to Cali. That didn't happen, but I still didn't full fill my dream of getting a degree. Now I am starting a full time job making minimum wage. It does have good points, I will be able to take my son to school in the morning, tuck him in at night when he is at home with me. And it takes me only 4 minutes to get there. I will eventually get child support. The aid that I get from the state will dwindle or be stopped all together. That will have an impact on how I am able to provide for my son. Things are not going to be easy, and I have accepted it. Now I have to plan things out, and be smart about how I spend money. I am dreading the thought of the holidays.

I can't help but thinking back, again and again. That if I would of fought for him harder and not given him what he wanted,  I did this and that different. That if I was a better wife, house keeper, cook, handled the money, and the important role of lover, that he would still want me. Now I know that he doesn't want me in an form.

We have been together, sexually. The night that he came over and we talked about the divorce we ended up sleeping together. I asked him if that meant we were going to try on us again and he said yes. Then I asked what about the divorce? He said that we would deal with that when the time came. I was over the moon. That I was going to have the chance to show him what I could be, give him, and what he wanted. But then things went downhill less than 2 weeks later. He said that things we misunderstood. That he didn't mean that we were going to try to get back together again, that he wanted to try and be friends. I thought I was going to faint. The knife was shoved back into my heart. Now weeks later he acts like he and I are friends. We talk more now, mostly on-line, more than I can remember in a long time. I see how he is now, a great father, constantly spending time with our son, playing ball, going to the park, everything that he didn't have time to do when he was here at home. And I find myself want him more and more.

He tells me that we need time to get ourselves back on track. To become the people that we have wanted to be. That maybe someday, in the future, we will be back together, that there is a twinkle of love still there on his part. But it would be best for us to get divorced and then wait and see what happens. He even tells me to go out and start dating again. WTF!?!?!?!?!? I am beyond the point of being confused, I wish someone would help me!

I'm in a never ending cycle.............thinking about the past and what I have lost. I need somehow or someway to break free. I try to keep myself busy doing little projects around the house. Things that I have been meaning to do, and things that I think will make things easier on me. I can't get anything done completely. It seems like I am never going to be just happy. I am either,frustrated, disappointed, annoyed, angry, heartbroken, disconnected, rage, worthless, unaccomplished. I can not stand it. YIKES!!

Enough of the pity party, I need to go to sleep. Get a good nights rest and face the day with a somewhat clear mind. Again if anyone took the time to read this really long post, I am sorry that it was so long. Next time I need to write a post when I am not drop dead tired. Then maybe I will be able to make more sense.

[Lb128f]

Jul. 26, 2007 at 2:29 AM Sorry you are feeling low....sending an email! ;-)

[Elven]

Jul. 26, 2007 at 5:24 PM

Why are you putting everything on you?  He is at fault too and you know that he is!  It wouldn't matter if you did anything different!  You were yourself and to sit there and think that you needed to be more than that - well, it makes me want to beat the crap out of him for making you feel that way!  You know damn good and well that he is stringing you along!  You know it and I know you know it!  Stop beating yourself up over his lying ass!  Yes - I am being rude and I am being rude for a reason (please forgive me!)  You know that I am the one to always tell it like it is!  I don't soften any blows!  He WANTS you to beat yourself up over him!  DO NOT give him that satisfaction.  Things happen for a reason, sister!  I do not believe that the two of you were meant to be together!  I saw how the two of you lived!  You didn't live at all!  You served him and all his needs even if it was painful to you!  Maybe there was a little more that you could have done but then again you had needs to that he didn't bother to even try to fulfill!  And look what happened to you in the process!  You are one of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life!  You are more caring than almost everyone I know put together.  You have a big heart and you are a beautiful person!  The fact that he is doing this to you is killing me!  You supported him through everything!  And he supported you through almost nothing!  Yes - he paid the medical bills and stood by you through all your medical problems - but I have yet to see him be there for you emotionally!  I have never seen him be there for you!  In fact, I remember times that you had to call over here to get my roommate to take you to the hospital because he didn't want to do it.  That's just wrong!  Your wife needs to go to the hospital and you would rather have another guy take her!  No way!  That was bullshit!  Even my roommate said it was bullshit!  If he had been at your house it still would have been bullshit!  But he took you instead of your stbx.  Shit - MY household has been there for you more than he ever has!  And still you beat yourself up over his loss.  I know it is a difficult time.  I know that things are not easy and they do look discouraging, but let me tell you Paula - you are doing great!  You get up every morning and do everything you need to take care of and still make time to be with your son!  Zachmo loves you very much!  And I think the only reason Chris is trying to be a good father now is to make himself look good when the divorce does go to court.  And I know that you know that too.  You know that you can call on Nick and I for anything you need - we will do our best to do what we can for you!  You know that I am always here for you no matter what time of day it is!  If that means you need to call when I am asleep - do it!  Wake my ass up - you know that I don't care!  If you need a shoulder to cry on or a person to bitch at - even at 3 am - come get me or call me and I will be there!  There is no need for you to feel this way.  I know that it is easier said then done - but you cannot be beating yourself up over this.  He hasn't done anything for you in at least the past 5 years.  If you ask me your marriage was over then.  And it has taken this long for you two to realize it!  I am rambling so I will stop now!

Please remember that you can call me for anything!  I will walk over there if I have to!

 

[asoldierswife]

Jul. 26, 2007 at 7:45 PM I do agree, your pain is his fault as well, why change you, I like you, just as you are

[new_beginning2]

Jul. 26, 2007 at 8:17 PM

YOU are not the problem.  We cannot control other people and make them do what they are supposed to no mattter how much we try.  We can be the best person we can be and THAT is what makes us happy. A partner should compliment you not complete you.  You should be complete and take care of you because God wants you to.  Know that you are in my prayers and you need to know your stbx will NEVER make you happy. Only you can do that.  Get healthy for YOU because YOU are the one you have to live with and you are the only one who will appreciate it more than anyone else.   You can't possibly take care and love someone else completely without first taking care of yourself.  Pray for strength. God will give it too you.  Pray for wisdom.  He will provide that too.  Pray for you son so he may understand you.  Paula,  you can do this for you and it will be the most rewarding thing you have ever done.  Trust me.  I know. 

 

cristen

[bawgt1]

Jul. 27, 2007 at 4:16 PM I've been threw it twice and I can understand the feeling. I still have moments when I think what it would have or could have been like and I've been divorced  18 and 8 years. I even catch myself thinking about getting back with them at sometime and the 1st is a complete ASSHOLE BASTARD excuse my french the 2nd is a total sweetheart and we are good friends I'm even friends with his new wife and she's a sweetie also. You have a child together the tie between you will live on even though your marriage didn't all of those feeling you are feeling are normal and the fear just makes them worse onece you get past the fear things will start to look better and you will become stronger. But don't let him get away with any of the tipical male tricks make sure you do everything you have to do to take care of you and your son even if it means upsetting your H it's not about him any more it's about making the best like for you and your son  ps they all play that trick of giving you hope then taking it away it the only control they have left and they want you to think you still have a chance so you'll be nice and let more things go there way don't fall for it if you are ment to get back together you will but don't sell yourself short now you deserve good things too   Barb