Ups and Downs of Being a Love Immigrant

[apricot]

"How did you meet?"

This is the one question I hear at least three times a week, and it's the one question I loathe being asked, because sadly not many people understand the answer.  

To people who know me, I am a foreigner, an expat. Living in the US, it means they are fascinated by my accent and the fact that I've traveled not only overseas, but extensively here in the US. Their fascination grows when they realize I'm a South African and my husband is an American. That's when the obvious question arises: "How did you meet each other?"

I am a love immigrant, i.e. I met my husband online and moved from my country to join him in the US. When I explain this to people, they seem to pity me, feel sorry for me. It's as though I need to feel ashamed that we met this way. They believe I must have been desperate and that something must have been wrong with me. Why couldn't I find someone in 'real' life instead of searching online? Their patronizing looks and the ridiculous questions that follow leave me feeling angry at them for judging my very stable, very loving marriage. I am left feeling sorry for them, because they truly have no idea what commitment comes with being in a long distance relationship that eventually leads to one of the two involved parties giving up everything - their culture, holidays, culture, family, friends - to move to be together.

My husband and I were not looking for a relationship when we started chatting online. We had both been through a divorce and another marriage was definitely not something we saw on the horizon. Our broken marriages in our rear-view mirrors were huge reminders of the feelings of failure and loss that comes with a divorce and neither of us wanted to be in that vulnerable position again. We both have a passion for photography (especially black and white), which is how we came to chat online. I have a sleeping problem and often would log on late at night when my two kids were sleeping, I'd read for a while, and I felt like chatting to an online friend or two. I never went into chat rooms, but prefered to chat one-on-one. My husband read my profile and noticed my interest in photography. We instantly clicked and would chat for hours on weekends when my kids were with their dad. A beautiful friendship developed and deepened over a six month period.

To make a long story short, we realized that our friendship had the potential to develop into something deeper. Our conversations had broadened and we started asking each other questions - from the most basic of things like do you like black or white, to the more philosphical questions about the deeper meaning of life. (We ended up with about 700 questions that we worked through! I still have the list and posted it on my website for love immigrants.)

He surprised me with a plane ticket to the US and I spent three idyllic weeks with him. We decided that we were not teenagers and that the online thing would have to culminate in something - either we were going to give it a go, or leave it. After a lot of pondering, we started the paperwork for me to move to the US. My two children and I arrived eight years ago - the best decision ever. My husband and I are happily married, my kids have a great relationship him, and we have a life that I only dreamed of before.

I'm sure you're asking what my point is? Those who are so quick to judge people who get married after meeting online have no idea what the sacrifces are that goes with this kind of commitment. It's not easy adjusting in a new country, it's not easy letting go of one culture and emerging into another, it's not easy not recognizing what's on your dinner plate, but going ahead and eating it anyway because this is your new life, it's not easy learning the new rules in an alien workplace, etc. etc. etc. And then of course, there are the adjustments in blending a family too.

Statistics show it takes about three years to adjust in a new country. It was excruciatingly difficult at times, but this was en experience that taught me what my own limits are, exactly what it is that I want - and don't want - in life, and the intense happiness that one can experience despite life's daily ups and downs. I joke with friends and acquaintances that it took a foreigner to come to the US to take the best man ever - everyone else will have to be satisfied with second best! Of course this is a joke, but it underlines that sometimes following one's heart and not one's head is the safest path to happiness.

At the end of the day I'd like to ask those who don't understand people who are in long distance relationships or who meet the love of their lives online not to be so patronizing. Our happiness and quest for it may not be conventional, but studies have shown that these marriages have a very high success rate because people get to know each other incredibly well before they actually meet for the first time.

I have started a group for love immigrants - please join and let's share our experiences!

[xdipsomaniacx]

Aug. 9, 2007 at 12:43 AM There is nothing wrong with how you met as long as you love eachother. If you don't mind me asking, you said that you are from south africa. What country are you from? I never knew anyone from Africa until I moved to Minnesota. I have met so many people since I met here from Kenya, Nigeria, Liberia, Camaroon and Senegal. it is really neat to learn about the different cultures.

[Cheryn]

Aug. 8, 2008 at 2:24 PM

This is so beautiful, and unlike the judgemental people who would feel pitty for you, I totally know what it's like to have a friend online who turns out to be the love of your life - it happened to me! I hadn't been married before, but I had never really wanted to date a lot of guys before I settled down and got married, but I always wondered how I could achieve it. I knew it was a lofty goal, and that it may not be possible, but thanks to the fact that we met online and got to know the true people under our skins before we could ever have a physical relationship, I was lucky enough to reach my goal. Thank you so much for reaching out to me and letting me know that there are others like me around. I certainly makes me feel less alone, and like there is someone out there who understands.