Being Honest with myself

[froggsie]

OK - it is time to be honest with myself.  I don't like my husband.  I try to like him.  I remind myself of all of his good traits and he does have a lot of good traits.  He is smart - much smarter than I am - at least book smart.  He is nice to most people.  If you met him, you would probably like him.  Well, probably 7 out of 10 people would like him.  He can be nice and he can be generous.  But not to me.  With me and the kids, he is more of a bully - he must win at all costs. With me, he isn't truthful.  His lies are more lies of omission but there is a lot of dishonesty in the things going on between us.

 If he meets you he would want to know all about you.  He is very curious about other people and where they came from and how they got where they are.  But not about me.  We have been married almost 19 years and all the things that interest me are too tedious for him to listen to.  We have three wonderful kids.  For that I'll always thank him but he doesn't appreciate them.  They literally ask me to divorce him.  They tell me they hate him.  It hurts to hear that coming from a 10 year old and a 9 year old.  Our 7 year old still loves him but he is quickly turning that as well.  I try to tell him how they feel and he doesn't feel that it matters.  They are just kids.  I try to tell him how to better interact with them but his methods are far better than mine.  He cannot differentiate between the abilities of a 40 year old and the abilities of a 7 year old.  If the little one sweeps the floor, he will make her do it over and over until she is crying.  Then she can sit against the wall for punishment for not doing it good enough.  The 10 year old made her bed.  He inspected and told her "well it is made but not good enough - you have to make it like I want it made".  In other words, how he makes his bed.  There is no room for individuals.

 Yesterday, he decided we should go on a day trip to Hanceville AL to see The Shine of the Most Holy Sacrament.  It is an hour and a half to get there and it was already 2:30.  I pointed out that today would be a school day and we wouldn't get back until 8:30 or 9:00 and they would still need a bath.  Maybe we should wait until we could plan the trip.  He got right in my face and told me he was taking the kids to the Shrine.  It isn't like he is religious.  He has been agnostic since I've known him.  He now goes to church but it is a different kind of church.  So I went along - I didn't want the kids to have to deal with him alone.  I asked him if he knew about the dress code but he didn't want to believe there would be one.  And of course there was.  And of course we got home after 9:00.  We did stop at Cracker Barrell to eat on the way home.  After he ate and paid (he will pay if he benefits) he went out to the car to wait for us.  But he didn't tell us he was leaving.  I thought he was in the bathroom and was just waiting on him to come out.  But no, he was sitting in the car because I should have known that is where he would be.  This is common in my life - the lack of communication is incredible.

I told him yesterday that I didn't like him very much.  I remember the funny, fun guy I married and wonder what happened.  But I know what happened.  He changed when we had kids.  And he continues to change and get harder with time.  The kids went to WI for 11 days over the summer.  And I had my husband back.  He was a pleasure to be around.  Until the day before the kids returned.  And suddenly life was back to whatever purgatory I'm in now.  Do I leave him?  The kids wholeheartedly say yes but of course it is not their decision.  I'm doing it all now and he won't give a penny to the raising of the kids.  He does pay the utilities and the mortgage but nothing that doesn't benefit him directly.  I asked for monetary help when the kids were getting ready to go back to school and he wouldn't give me a penny.  Just gave me a guilt trip for needing money.

I'm incredibly sad right now when I think about this marriage.  I know it is over and I need it to be over but I just can't make the necessary move.  He just sits in the morning while I rush around trying to get the kids ready for school.  He could wake up the 7 year old but he just sits and delays the kids one way or another.

We have done counselling.  I'm not alone in thinking his behavior is out of line.  But we quit because he didn't think talking about the past would do anything to help.  I've got to get the courage to leave. Grant me strength.

[ummmhello]

Sep. 4, 2007 at 3:53 PM

Wow..... So sorry that you're in this situation. How very sad to look back and see that your husband changed so much you don't even like him anymore. And even worse that you see yourself as a buffer between him and the kids.

I hope things get better for you. Either in your marriage or in your decision to leave it with your children.

[MommyofRJVI]

Sep. 4, 2007 at 3:53 PM You know, in any situation, I would say to put every single effort into saving your marriage, especially after 19 years. Iit's sad that I have to say...It does sound like it's over and that you should just move on and start a new life.  Easier said than done.  I'm a divorcee myself and it doesn't take just a week, month, or even a year to start over.  I will pray for you, my friend!

[LilMansMommy04]

Sep. 4, 2007 at 3:56 PM

Ya know my parents got a divorce when I was only 4 and I remember every minof the day my dad left. I am a hue daddys girls so it hurt me deeply. But as I got older and I started to remember more about there marriage I knew it was for the best. My dad was NEVER mean to me but him and my mom fought alot and got physical with one another. I lived with my mom most of my life and i saw how much of a struggle is was for her financially and I wish that would not have been the way it was. But she was and still is a great mom who did the best that she could. I just feel in my opinion if you are that miserable and it is affecting your kids also the only thing you can do is leave. You need to do what is best for yourself and your kids. you want them to see how strong you are and that the things you went through are not hing you want them to go through. you have to lead by example. Hang in there. I am here if you need to tale..

[MegaMamaTX]

Sep. 4, 2007 at 3:57 PM Im so sorry that you are (& have been) going through this for so long. You deserve so much more and so do your children. My father was a lot like your husband. He would make us do something his way and if we didnt, there would be trouble... usually in the form of physical punishment. But anyway, your childrent deserve to live in a stress-free environment and your husband is definitely hindering that for them. If you cant make the move for yourself, do it for your children. Emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse. And if you are sitting by allowing it, you're just as much at fault. I know you try to "smooth things over" or help make it better by being there when your kids are around him, but its like trying to ignore an elephant in the room. You cant. The best thing you can do for everyone involved would be to move out and move on. I wish you the best and pray you have the courage to do what needs to be done.

[onemomsopinion]

Sep. 4, 2007 at 4:03 PM

I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do.   You need to think of your future and what's best for you and the children.   Leaving seems to be for the best as it doesn't appear that your husband realizes that he's difficult and/or all the misery he's causing everyone else.

Diane