Better Wife, Better Mother, Better Woman

[Reba03]

I am doing this more for myself so if it is too long, whoever you are, do not feel obligated to read on...

This is the first entry and I leave loose ends... bare with me.

So I have started reading a book that my friend gave to me about being a better wife and how the wife is the rutter for the family in many ways.  There is also a need in us to please our husbands.  For some people who read this, it will probably make you want to knock me upside the head.  That's okay though.  It is likely you don't understand such things as this.  I understand what you are thinking and I used to be there.  Womens liberation and all  However, it is not healthful for a marriage and family.  We as wives have a desire within us to be desired by our husbands.  It starts as a child who desperately needs her fathers desire for her as a beautiful princess.  We want to be shown we are precious, we are worth loving and we are wanted.  When fathers don't do this it starts a necessary drive to pursue this fulfillment with someone else, a brother, uncle or grandfather are natural substitutes.  A little girl and even teenager are not aware of where this drive for a loving guy comes from.  Longingly the girl seeks out the approval and affirmation needed to fill her heart and inspire her purpose.  I was one such girl whose father did not fit the bill.  I was then rejected harshly by my older brother who in general was mean and evasive.  But afterall, I was younger and girly, he wanted older, strong and adventurous playmates not a Barbie loving, whining girl.  This then gradually was the starting point of my pursuit of other males.  I always gravitated toward boys and just thought I liked them.  Afterall, I am a girl and girl + boy = happily ever after.  Or atleast that is what all the movies, magazines and society tells us.  But it is much deeper than that, there is more behind it and that is what we fail to learn most often. 

I dare say that most fathers have no idea just how much their daughter(s) need them.  Without him a daughter does not believe in her worth even if mommy tells her over and over, there is something different about the approval of a man that is needed, it is foundational.  This will never change,  [Caution: Sensitive statment ahead] and I think this is why so many lesbians were sexually abused girls.  Getting over such a traumatic betrayal by a man (or men) she trusted is almost impossible, and from a young age their belief is that men are dangerous liars who say I love you but will hurt them again and again.  We all know the how people are and how strong sexdrives are.  Desirable women and heroic men are in almost every type of movie, advertisement, song, and expression of life that we encounter.  Women want to be pursued, the desired maiden and men want to be the pursuer, the hero and refuge.  Without proper care of these needs you face many neglected teens who are overwhlemed and out of control in their sexdrives.  I am not saying that all teen sex is related to this, but I guarentee if a teenage girl believes she is worthy and precious she isn't going 'sleep around,'  and she is less likely to be sexually active with even just one boy/ man when her need for love and approval has been continually fed by her daddy. 

My conclusion to this entry... I am a flawed woman, as is every woman.  I however have come to an understanding of an important piece of what makes me a wife, mother and woman.  My father left a gaping hole that I filled with synthetic substitutions whom never fulfilled my need.  I have embarked on a journey to pursue the mind set needed to correct this problem.  I am not fully aware of all that needs to change, and it will take years to change but I have inspiration to motivate me onward: a daughter.  I am showing her how a woman, wife and mother are to be.  I am her prime example, and how I relate to her, her daddy and brothers and all that comes my way will shape her belief of what kind of person she should be.  Wow, talk about a burden?  But one I bare with gladness.  The Lord will use my life and all its pain, shortcomings, and scars to help shape this baby into a fully functional woman.  She wont be perfect and she will have difficulties, but my difficulties will be her stepping stones.  Where they were my tragedy they will be her guide and victory.  It is worth having suffered and failed since she will gain from it.  She and I, all women were created for a purpose and with certain desires and needs.  The book I am reading talks about these and how pieces fit into a healthy marriage.  No one gets married with the desire to become part of the statistc of divorce.  More people divorce than stay married.  But we really do want a happily ever after.  How do we get there, especially if we are damaged to our core regarding men, marriage and our self image? 

The book I have started is by Debi Pearl called Created to be His Help Meet.  I will share more on this later.

[Reba03]

Sep. 7, 2007 at 9:19 AM

When we come to see the inadequacies we hold it can be rather uncomfortable.  This is especially true when we were convinced that we were not that kind of person.  It can often be found that a person will stand firm against those same inadequacies in others without even realizing they themselves need some change.  When I first began seeing the foundational changes I needed to make and allow God to make, it was overwhelming and discouraging.  I was not raised to be a stay at home mom, home maker and house wife.  I knew practically nothing about these roles, and they are in great need of skill.  A young lady should make no mistake of viewing staying at home as an easy job.  It is an intensive, selfless occupation in need of full commitment and multifaceted skills.  I had no idea what I was getting into.  I don't think most stay at home moms realize what is needed of them to be successful in this role.  I am challenged daily to pursue greater excellence for my family, my God, myself, and my community.  There is great responsibility herein and I feel honored that I am in this position.  Though I came into this role flawed I will not let that be a crutch.  If I say I really want a clean home, I need to clean it.  If I say I really want to have a great marriage, I have to research, ask questions and pray then follow the guidance I am given.  If I say I want to give my children the best education I can then I can't sleep in, I can't procrastinate, I must push myself everyday toward the finish line and when I get discouraged, tired and weary I must take the time refuel and not be irresponsible in running myself ragged.  I need to not just talk the talk then whine about poor results, I need to walk the walk then I shall enjoy the fruits of my labor.  Where we came from need not determine where we will go nor who we will be.  I am determined to become who I say I want to be.  It will be and is difficult, but the end will be worth it.

(Original Poster)

[Reba03]

Sep. 17, 2007 at 8:36 AM

Today as I look at my 11 month old daughter I am further encouraged toward my goal.  The impressions I lay upon her are becoming her beliefs, her standards, and 'the bar' for much of her life.  She will continually compare herself to what she learned and lived under my care as a child.  Throughout the rest of her days here on this Earth she will sift opinions, goals, advice, temptations, trials, questions and the rest of lifes pieces through this sieve I am helping to shape in her mind.  If a mother fails her children greatly they will not have adequate means to discern not just what is right but what is best.  How often do we give up the best and settle for good enough?  There is a difference between being content with what we are able and settling for less than our best.  If we want what is best for our children we need to prepare them when they are small, they don't just happen upon good life skills.  I need to prepare Anna for what is ahead so that she will have all the necessary information and experiences to determine her best.  God wants the best for each of us and I don't want to give my children the lazy mindset that good enough is worth its small sacrifice.  Much greater is the value of diligence, patience, self-sacrifice, and perseverance.  You have to put in the time for a good end result.  How much more important to instill that characteristic in our children?

(Original Poster)